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Original poster

Partner cheating - help please

46 replies

HollyWe · 22/08/2022 00:47

So.. I just found out my partner of 3 years has been cheating for the last 4 months. I found the messages - very explicit sexting along with photos and videos of them each wanking etc. They've met up in person and stayed together overnight 3 times (1 or 2 nights each time) - seemingly no penetrative sex happened because he couldn't get it up at all (has never happened with me), but obviously other sexual stuff happened in person as well as on messages, also meals out / date type things whilst they were staying together. I confronted him with the messages and kicked him out. We're both mid-30s, I have a young child and my partner has been a big part of their life and co-parenting with me for the last 2 years.

I have screenshots of the messages and a log of the phone calls - they didn't speak that much on the phone and most of the content of the messages is just sex stuff. Yet she talks about the fact that they are girlfriend/boyfriend in the messages and his response is very positive to it. She had no idea he was in a relationship. He's now ended things with her - told her he actually has a partner etc. Weirdly he had also been lying to her about inconsequential details, like what town he lived in, what he'd done that day, like he was creating a whole separate existence.

The lies he told me when he was with her are pretty low - twice he told me he was in hospital when he wasn't, and the other time he left me at home horrendously ill with covid. Each occasion left me with a massive burden of sorting things out, and had a huge impact on my wellbeing (even if he wasn't trying to get his end away). He knew the impact being away at those specific points would have on me - I basically spent the whole time working flat out / crying with stress and sadness whilst trying not to blame him as I thought he was ill in hospital, whilst also obviously worrying about his health. Two of the occasions also coincided with really important work things for me, which I didn't do as well as I should have with because of all the stress/work/worry.

This all happened a few days ago and we've spoken on the phone since. He has absolutely no explanation for why it all happened, just says he doesn't know and was was an idiot, which is frustrating given my main question is why. We were both very happy, good communication, great sex life, excited about future plans etc. Now he's absolutely devastated, realising he's fucked everything up for seemingly no reason. He's not in a good place and is seeking mental health support, in part for him to try and figure out why he's behaved like he has.

I know it's still early days, but am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point? Obviously only after a long process of talking/counselling etc. Things were so good before, both as a couple and as a family - though I know it wouldn't be the same if we got back together.

OP posts:
YerAWizardHarry · 22/08/2022 00:49

The why is he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He doesn’t deserve you and there are men out there who won’t cheat on you and treat you like shit…

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 00:55

am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 00:56

The lies he told me when he was with her are pretty low - twice he told me he was in hospital when he wasn't, and the other time he left me at home horrendously ill with covid. Each occasion left me with a massive burden of sorting things out, and had a huge impact on my wellbeing (even if he wasn't trying to get his end away). He knew the impact being away at those specific points would have on me - I basically spent the whole time working flat out / crying with stress and sadness whilst trying not to blame him as I thought he was ill in hospital, whilst also obviously worrying about his health. Two of the occasions also coincided with really important work things for me, which I didn't do as well as I should have with because of all the stress/work/worry.

This will be the rest of your life if you get back with him.

Outlyingtrout · 22/08/2022 00:59

Yes you would be stupid to consider getting back with him. All the "I don't know why I did it and I'm seeking therapy" stuff is just a variation on what they all say. He did it because he wanted to have sex with someone else and he thought he'd get away with it. And if you take him back, he'll know that if he doesn't manage to keep it under wraps next time it doesn't really matter anyway because he'll just make all the right "sorry noises" and you'll let him off.

This is why you don't let new boyfriends start "co-parenting" your children and being a "big part of their life".

Spohn · 22/08/2022 01:03

Is there a need to humiliate yourself further? Dump your dirty boyfriend, obviously. Keep future boyfriends away from your kid. Develop standards.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2022 01:03

I know it's still early days, but am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes. 100% completely fucking stupid for even considering it. Not only did he betray you, he treated this other woman like she was nothing but wank fodder. He's a fucking cheating, pathetic liar and always will be. Why on earth would you set yourself up to be cheated on again? Because that's exactly what will happen.

Spohn · 22/08/2022 01:07

'wehh navel gazing bullshit he said this he did this' and?? Analyse your sex partner all you like in your own time, do not force your sex partner on your kid, perform basic safeguarding, don't let substandard males in your kids house.

esteemsports · 22/08/2022 01:14

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 00:55

am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes.

Agree.

MooPooBoo · 22/08/2022 01:16

Yep. He doesn’t know why he did it so you have zero chance of preventing it from ever happening again (not that you are responsible or should have to prevent his wandering cock). It’s early days there will be ups and downs but you and your child deserve so much more than he can give.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/08/2022 01:23

It's completely normal and understandable to want to cling to the life you had before you knew.

But unfortunately, regardless of what you decide, that life is gone thanks to him. You won't be able to see him the same way, or trust him, you won't feel loved and secure and special.

So the question to ask yourself is not if you want him back, because 'him' as you know it doesn't exist. The question is, do you want to start a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you and who you can't ever trust?

OldFan · 22/08/2022 02:05

They know full well why they do it. Cos they fancy some sex/dirty talk with someone different for a buzz.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 22/08/2022 02:25

He's ruined it OP, going back would just be an exercise in proving that to yourself, and a painful exercise at that. What you'd be left with if you tried to forgive him wouldn't be worth having, I know it's painful to face up to but what you had is gone Flowers

Monty27 · 22/08/2022 02:42

esteemsports · 22/08/2022 01:14

Agree.

Show quote history

Are you a masochist? You don't have low lives in your life. Nobody has enough headspace for that crap surely?
Get rid. Today. For good.

SardineStitches · 22/08/2022 05:48

know it's still early days, but am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes.

belle40 · 22/08/2022 06:13

Do not take him back. Cut him off now and have no further contact with him. He will not change.

I went through something similar a few years ago but it went on for much longer but the lies and deception were breathtaking. I also had stories of severe illness etc. It was all so he could spend time in the OW bed. They even took three holidays behind my back when he was 'working away'.

You will never never be able to trust him again and it will grind you down in the end. I gave my ex 15 minutes to get out (it was my house) and although it nearly killed me at the time I realised a few months later how awful he truly was. Similar to you, he waited for me to find out and had absolutely no intention of telling me. Good luck. I know it is really hard at this point.

PinballWizard18 · 22/08/2022 06:21

You have your own house, and a child. Is he a good role model for them or you.

Love yourself more please

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 22/08/2022 06:21

No no no. Why would you want to take him back? Surely the trust is gone. You would be wondering what if when he was our? Wanting to check his phone?

He had consistently lied to two people. Acted badly while you were ill. You should want better for yourself and who you bring into your child’s life. He isn’t the man you thought he was. It will never be like it was before you found out.

UserError012345 · 22/08/2022 06:27

lisavanderpumpscloset · 22/08/2022 00:55

am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes.

Yep.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 22/08/2022 06:59

Open your eyes OP to see him for what he is.

He was essentially dating another woman whilst being with you. He fed you lies about not being able to ‘get it up’ - please 🙄So he’s allegedly got a selective ED with his affair partner, to whom he was happily wanking off to on camera?

He wanted to make you feel better and play his actions down.

The most likely truth is that they were fucking in many ways, and he will do it again.

Raise your standards, before he gets someone else pregnant and/or gives you STD.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 22/08/2022 07:12

Things were so good before, both as a couple and as a family.

That’s even worse then - not that there’s ever a good excuse to cheat, however, I think it takes a special type or cunt to have an affair whilst your relationship is seemingly perfect, and you never communicated your needs to your partner before going elsewhere.

He won’t change, no matter what you do to ‘keep’ him, because it’s not about you.

MsDogLady · 22/08/2022 07:13

Holly, this guy is the Lowest of the Low who cares zero about your and your child’s well-being. His despicable treatment of you was truly beyond the pale. It is shocking that you would even consider bringing him back into your lives.

prepared101 · 22/08/2022 07:15

OP, it's normal to consider taking him back so you're not stupid. You just want things to go back to the life you thought you were going to have. But that's gone now.

This isn't just sexting/boredom- he's met her in person. He lied to you about where he was- awful lies as well. He didn't put your needs first.

You've done the hard part in chucking him- make sure he stays gone. Know your worth Flowers

Herejustforthisone · 22/08/2022 08:06

I know it's still early days, but am I completely fucking stupid for even tentatively considering getting back together at some point?

Yes. You’d be off your rocker. He’ll do it again. And he’s probably lying about ‘no penetrative sex’.

KittyCatsby · 22/08/2022 08:10

In your own words :

Yes ( x 1000 ) You would be completely fucking stupid to think of having him back.

crosbystillsandmash · 22/08/2022 08:11

The fact that you believe they didn't have penetrative sex is worrying. Of course they did!

Stop being such a mug. Put your child first and never see this pathetic excuse of a man again.