Intrusive thoughts during sex

[Ifeelabitweird]

i have been seeing my partner for about 18 months now and I love him dearly and the feeling is reciprocated. I am a few years older than him and separated from my husband a few years ago, a difficult time but amicably split. My partner’s previous relationship ended about 2 years ago and was an acrimonious split from someone who didn’t treat him well, infidelity etc. He is very loving and kind.
I have always found it a bit difficult to reach orgasm, and he feels he hasn’t done his job if I don’t get there. Just recently I’ve started thinking about his previous partner during sex which is putting me off and ensuring I don’t climax ☹️. I have the impression from the little he’s said about her that she climaxed easily and more than once, and used to upset him after that by ‘playing with herself (as he put it) so that she climaxed again.
I really don’t want these thoughts in my head, has anyone else had this problem? Or any ideas how I can stop them?

Probably just me then ☹️

Quit thinking... this is between you and your DP. Your special time. Your journey together, no one else's, no one's business. Relax and enjoy. Please just try and concentrate on the special connection you two have. He came into your life for a reason, you love each other...now just give yourself 'permission' to embrace the love you share... no other thoughts or comparisons. x

You sound like you are comparing yourself to her. Given that she was a douchebag, you should stop, because you are not a douchebag.
Or to put it another way, in life in general it is pretty much unheard of for a person to be thought of as good and virtuous because of their ability to have organs and/or desire for more orgasms.
These thoughts wear a rut in your mind, easy for them to slip back into. Just make an effort to keep them out of the rut, and the rut will go away. What they call mindfulness. Just be mindful of when it might be happening and skip that motherfucker on out of there. Easier said than done but I think that’s the basic principle. Good luck.

*ability to have ORGASMS, not organs.
Having organs is a good thing.

The past is the past, agree with pps time
to focus on you and your partner. Enjoy the sex and don’t get too hung up on orgasm every time if it means you’re comparing yourself to his ex. The more you relax in the moment the greater chance of it happening naturally.

I went through a phase where my boss kept
popping into my head (we’re both straight females, it was in no way sexy!) 😂 hope you can move past this asap ❤️

I’m missing the point here but why would her touching herself upset him. I’d be worried about his ego and restrictions on your sex life more than this ex

Because she sounds like a bit of a wild one with some kind of hypersexuality thing going on. She cheated on him, he is/was hung up on feelings of inadequacy. I mean yeah, it’s baggage for sure, but seems fairly straightforward.

All very well to say ‘just stop thinking’ but that’s probably not going to help you because minds naturally think.

Youve maybe got some unresolved feelings about something that’s coming up in the shape of your partner’s ex. So try being honest (here or by yourself) about exactly what you’re thinking about her and what feelings are attached to the thoughts.

It’s probably not really about the ex if you had difficulties before this.

I think it's really weird that he told you that... imagine your exH telling a new partner what you were like in bed... gives me instant ick ... plus sounds like he's patting himself on the back about giving her multiple orgasms and his mention of her "playing with her self" hurting him is all kinds of red flags. Honestly I'm guessing there's some half truths there and I really doubt a man so accustomed to giving "multiple orgasms" would be made to feel inferior by a woman pleasing herself... unless he's lying and really wasn't giving her any or at least not multiple and she was routinely having to do that for herself, makes more sense then that it hurt his ego to see her play with herself.
Plus telling you about this is obviously meant to make you feel guilty about satisfying yourself if he doesn't make you climax, so you don't play with yourself, thus protecting his ego.

I've had plenty of intrusive thoughts during sex but I think your maybe on a subconscious level trying too hard to orgasm, and the pressure of knowing that you not climaxing bruises his ego along with the comparison with his ex is probably making it harder for you to climax.

You keep saying he's really kind and loving but I would genuinely re-evaluate that... he sounds like a "nice guy" .... I used to date a "nice guy" who was "hurt" if he didn't bring me to orgasm and made me feel like it was my fault and like it was somehow inconsiderate of me if I wanted to use a vibrator or whatever after sex, although he would never say that he would just act sad/sensitive/hurt and I'd feel awful. Coincidently he also like to talk about how much he made his ex orgasm and how considerate he was in bed etc, and how she didn't appreciate it and wouldn't have sex with him as often as he wanted and how that really effected him especially since he was total Prince to her, he would tell this sad story like he "deserved" or was "entitled" to sex since he was so nice and loving etc.... his bruised ego routine was utterly ridiculous and manipulative and controlling and it took me a while to notice what was going on, it started with sex but eventually he was making me feel bad for not cancelling plans with friends or not appreciating enough the effort he went to when he cooked or got me flowers, he never got angry, like ever, he just was "hurt" and I was always feeling guilty and was becoming very isolated as I couldn't socialise without him feeling hurt because he wanted to spend a romantic evening together with bubble bath and massage oil's or whatever even though he would never mention these plans unless I said I had plans, it was the weirdest f#cked up relationship I was ever in.... Some men like to disguise their misogyny behind a "nice guy" persona, they dont like the fact that women can sexually please themselves, they control women by being so nice that they always feel guilty, especially about there sex drive and use of toys, its toxic af..

that doesn’t answer why her having another orgasm when he had given her several ‘upset’ him, I don’t think.

the cheating yes.
but not orgasming as much as she wanted during sex

im just suspicious of the crazy ex that he made orgasm so much I suppose.

One sure fire way to make you feel inadequate is him making out she was the orgasm queen! He shouldn’t have even discussed their sex life - far too much information! She might have been frigging herself as she’d faked it twice and still hadn’t got there with him!!!!!

I‘m with @Skittlesthough on this. Why has he told you about sex with his ex…. Isn’t that private information regardless of any infidelity? . The comment about her orgasms and sexual preferences is inappropriate to share with you. Some men take it so personally if their partners don’t orgasm that women end up faking their climaxes to reassure them and take the pressure off. It’s all about male ego and I think it’s important you see it for what it is.

He shouldn't have told you all that and you need to not take it as gospel. Who knows if he really gave her orgasms or if she was faking. Maybe that's why she had to make herself have one afterwards. Maybe that's why he's so insecure about her doing it, and about you not always having an orgasm. Regardless, feeling pressure to have an orgasm is a surefire way not to one so he needs to shut up about it and not even make it a thing. Certainly not be feeling like he 'hasn't done his job' if you don't have one. Tell him it's unhelpful and you don't want to hear any more about his ex or whether you've had enough of the right kind of orgasms etc etc. Forget about them and focus on doing things that feel pleasurable enough that you can get past the conscious state where these thoughts intrude. If that's not possible, he's not the one for you after all perhaps. And hopefully he won't be telling future DPs about your orgasming history.

He shouldn't have told you all that and you need to not take it as gospel. Who knows if he really gave her orgasms or if she was faking. Maybe that's why she had to make herself have one afterwards. Maybe that's why he's so insecure about her doing it, and about you not always having an orgasm. Regardless, feeling pressure to have an orgasm is a surefire way not to one so he needs to shut up about it and not even make it a thing. Certainly not be feeling like he 'hasn't done his job' if you don't have one. Tell him it's unhelpful and you don't want to hear any more about his ex or whether you've had enough of the right kind of orgasms etc etc. Forget about them and focus on doing things that feel pleasurable enough that you can get past the conscious state where these thoughts intrude. If that's not possible, he's not the one for you after all perhaps. And hopefully he won't be telling future DPs about your orgasming history.

No idea why it's posted twice - multiple orgasming posts!

It’s interesting that some men I’ve discussed this with have no idea that there are women in the world who can’t orgasm through PIV. I think given the high numbers of women who can’t that they’re extraordinarily lucky with their partners or some women are faking.

Crazy ex who upsets him by orgasming too much… hmm. He shouldn’t be sharing those things with you. Not only is it bullshitty and inappropriate, it’s actually quite disrespectful to his former partner.

What I meant is that he felt he was unable to satisfy her, and that is why she cheated.
I mean, who knows what actually went on in this second hand, one sided description of a dysfunctional relationship, but that’s what I’m getting. He felt he didn’t satisfy her do she had to masturbate after sex, and then perhaps went on to find satisfaction (real or otherwise) with other men. That’s why he is upset with his failure to satisfy OP.

If she had to play with herself on her own after, he obviously wasn't doing his job. A decent lover would help a woman out somehow.

Thanks everyone for you replies. Yes I agree he shouldn’t have said anything about his ex and sex, but it’s done now and I don’t really want to focus on any reasons for her behaviour. And yes I’ve wondered whether she was faking!
I’ve told him that pressure to have orgasm is a sure fire way to stop me having one, so he rarely mentions that now.
I know I’m comparing myself to her, and I also know I shouldn’t be, I feel like I need some magic spell to stop her popping into my head! I think I just need some sort of plan for what to do when it happens