Help

[Sillymoo8]

I’ve been seeing someone on and off for close to a year now. When I say on and off it’s more my fault because I can’t trust him I end it. He can go days with out texting me we don’t talk on the phone as I’m deaf and can’t make him out well. When I don’t hear from him everything goes through my mind, I’m a very paranoid person due to previous experience. When I ask him why he doesn’t text back or receive my messages his answer is he’s run out of data or his battery died. I just think in this day and age daily text or contact is to be expected. If I question it I’m made out to be like there is something wrong with me. Just curious what other people think

I think if you can't trust any man you date then it is your problem and not his, surely? It isn't his fault you have issues due to your past, and it isn't at all fair to expect him to behave in a certain way because of your history. Have you actually asked him about what he feels about your expectation that he should contact you every day? What are you going to do if he doesn't feel the need to do so?

You say you are very paranoid. What are you going to do about that? Do you think it is fair that you perhaps have some counselling to try to address why you have these issues before you start dating people?

I think you should not bother with him any more. What's the point? Sounds like it's giving you grief more than anything.

if it’s being made out that you’re at fault - this is possibly gaslighting.
it also sounds like you need to work on yourself before getting into a relationship. Whatever has happened in the past - work through it, work on yourself. You can’t make someone else happy if you’re not happy with you.
My ex-husband cheated on me for years, if I ever caught him he convinced me I had seen or heard things and it was all my fault. It wasn’t easy moving forward in life, but I had to because I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I would be paranoid.
hope this helps.

I completely see where you all are coming from I have been hurt in the past and I need help for that but my question is if you are seeing someone and he text you random
every so often and you don’t get reply back from message you sent that day would it bother you

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I think you need to get yourself to a better place before you date.

Also he sounds like a dickhead.

I agree with PPs that you do need to work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

However to answer your specific question - after a year of being together I absolutely would expect contact most days. Not because it proves theyre not cheating but if Id want them to be invested enough to want to speak to them and vice versa....

If you were seeing someone and his excuses were he didn’t have signal or his battery died seemingly all the time would you believe them

It really seems to be bigger than a lack of texts. Really think you should end this "relationship" and work on yourself.

Thank you this is what I need to hear. I have spoke to him and told him what I’m insecure about it, he knows all about it and understands why I am the way I am that, but am I wrong to think that if he knows that he should try that little bit extra to reassure me? I don’t want to be all drama and spoilt and expect the world but a little bit of reassurance goes along way

Also the on and off has been down to me I’ve tried to end it but he comes back making me feel crap for trying to. Communication is a big thing for me texting especially as I can’t always talk the phone due to being deaf

Sorry no I don’t think he should as this is an issue from you. This is why I said work on yourself first. If you goes the extra mile you re-assure you about this, there will be something else that crops up, or both of you will just get drained with this.
furthermore, if someone was really into you, you wouldn’t have to ask for re-assurance.

So I text him today asking was everything ok he said Yes is everything ok with me I tried to phone him and it went straight to answer machine so I text him to phone me I’m still waiting is this not a red flag to you?

also he has not gone the extra mile to reassure me

100% wish I didn’t have to ask for reassure

Unless they lived/worked in the middle on nowhere without reception or phone sockets to charge their phone then no, I wouldn't believe it as a regular thing.

However if my bf goes on a night out and doesn't have reception in a pub or runs out of battery then I wouldn't think twice because I trust him. It happens to everyone occasionally so I guess it depends on the frequency and why you don't believe him in the first place

According to him he does live in the middle
of nowhere with no WiFi in this day and age. But I know he travels for work and get spots where there is internet connection but still
i cant get in contact with him

Settling for this relationship would show what a total doormat you are.
On the other hand, let him down gently with the old 'it's not you, it's me' routine and find someone who treats you as you wish to be treated.

100% I feel shit I need other peoples reassurance for this bit it’s exactly how I have been feeling lately