Gaslighting or tired pair?

[MrsPetro]

Tieed parents, new baby at home, relationship awful at the moment. Should be the happiest time but circumstances taking toll. Feel picked on by husband, 2 examples below. Usually the nicest of guys ...You guys tell me, feels like its on the turn.....

20th August

Not getting along, horrible atmosphere both tired. Argument about me doing housework, says why am I not happy, say I don't like doing everything, all the chores on top of the baby things. Suggested we get the cleaner back, he says wouldn't make a difference as i would still find things to do anyway (I was putting up new curtains) Said I need to see a Dr, why because I'm unhappy with doing everything at home?

Frel like its Gaslighting, to suggest i have mental issues (because i suggested we get the cleaner back!!) calls me a psycho shouting, was breastfeeding at the time, tell my friend what happened. Feel manipulated and picked on, call him a bully.

21st august

Try to get along. Walking on eggshells. Tired after a bad night with the baby.

5pm breastfeeding, friend visited and had left an hour before, watching TV. Enters room in a mood starts picking at me, ask what the matter is and i say if there's a problem can you come in friendly at least if I'm breastfeeding. Starts raising voice saying I'm the one with the problem. Tell him to Leave me alone I'm breastfeeding. Shouts you are the perpetrator not the victim. Storms out, call him a bully and tell him to leave me alone. Another horrible day. Told 2 friends what had happened this week so was not alone.

Arguments when you have a new baby are to be expected but calling you a psycho is unnecessary.

I’m not sure it’s gaslighting but it is bullying and unkind.

The early months of parenting are very hard on even solid relationships because it’s generally such a shock first time round and you’re both so tired and stressed with the reality of caring for a tiny person who is completely dependent on you. Hormones tend to be an interesting cocktail for both parents also. And actually, people’s emotions during the early months of parenting are often way more complex than pure happiness. That tends to come later when the dust has settled.

A lot of household chores can be ignored early on and those that can’t should be at least equally shared (perhaps he could do more of them). And get a cleaner in.

If possible, could you try to find a relatively calm moment when you both talk about how stressful you are finding the transition to parenthood (which is normal, btw) and try to listen to each other a bit. DH and I argued over so much early on and I remember thinking DH and I had made an appalling mistake and there was no way we could raise a child.

But as time passed (a few months), we became more used to the chaos and more relaxed about parenthood. When our second was born, I wondered what I had found so hard the first time but it was the transition from our previous, carefree, pick up and go lives which really took getting used to and of course we had already done that. Of course parenting has ups and downs but we both think having children was the best thing we ever did (even if that isn’t always our first thought when dealing with a child-related problem!)

I love Vicki Iovine - Best Friends’ Guide to Your Baby’s 1st Year (or sth like that - it’s been published under various names). You and your H might find it helpful to check it out.

Hard to say without knowing you really. It is possible for people to act very out of character and to have truly horrible arguments when dealing with a new baby - usually because mum is fucking knackered and man is getting used to not being #1 in the relationship. It's more something to watch over longer term.

Sleep deprivation can really make people into awful versions on themselves.
Should be the happiest time no, home with your first baby is not supposed to be the happiest time. It’s one of the toughest times of your life and your relationship. So please take the pressure off yourself and think in terms of success= you all survive one day to the next.

No on the to elephant in the room. How unhappy are you? Is there any possibility you have PND? Or he does? (He sounds a bit unhinged in all honesty). I think getting the cleaner back is a good idea and when he’s calm, suggest a trial run of the cleaner coming back.

Can you both give each other a break away from the house and baby?

“Should be the happiest time no, home with your first baby is not supposed to be the happiest time. It’s one of the toughest times of your life and your relationship. So please take the pressure off yourself and think in terms of success= you all survive one day to the next”

@Discovereads puts this very well. Some people breeze into parenthood. The vast majority don’t. The only friend I know who breezed into parenthood had been a very hands-on aunt to numerous nieces and nephews so she knew what she was getting into! So don’t put extra pressure on yourself and your DH by imagining that this time should be blissfully happy. It just isn’t.

Get rid now why would this be ok on any level
Big 🚩

That's verbal abuse, and accusing the victim of being a perp is classic DARVO.