Help... lovely DH drinking to excess

[HubbabubbaT]

Sorry in advance this may take a while to read! But really need some outside views...
I have a lovely DH and DD4 and baby due Dec. We've been married nearly 6 years, together for quite a bit longer and we get on absolutely great on a daily basis, we have similar senses of humour and enjoy cooking together and looking after our DD. We have stable jobs, house together, supportive families etc. Only thing that mars all this is that DH has a problem with occasionally - think once every couple of months or a bit more - drinking way way way too much alcohol (spirits), snoring loudly all night, puking the next morning and being weak as a kitten the next day or so. This obviously derails our plans for the next day specially if it's the weekend when it's nice to be together as a family.

My dad has had an historic problem with alcohol for years and I'm a bit touchy about the whole thing both ways - don't want to accuse DH of having a problem, but also can't handle it very well!
Not leaving him as there's pretty much nothing else I can complain about but I don't know what to do from here... Dreading looking after a 5yr old and baby (when it gets here) by myself all weekend while DH languishes in bed. I've tried saying to him look do you think youve had enough now? When he's quite clearly had more than enough..but it's complicated by often being when we have family and friends round for an evening or a meal, and he's over-imbibed while pouring drinks for everyone else and maybe doesn't realise how much he's had.

Where do I go from here? Today we had a bunch of things planned with family and we've cancelled the whole lot as he's feeling rather tender up in bed.. I'm fed up of making excuses and trying to cope with it all myself, and am worried it's only going to get worse.. please give me some tips!

TL:DR husband sometimes binge drinks until useless and I'm struggling.

I’d suggest a straight talking conversation about how you feel and your concern that if he isn’t already he might becomes an alcoholic. Surely he can’t enjoy these weekends where he feels awful. Does he want the children seeing him like that as they grow up?

maybe Suggest he try a couple of months no alcohol at all. Especailly when the baby is born. If he can’t manage that then there is clearly an addiction issue.

Talk to him. Not whilst he’s drinking, sit him down and have a conversation about how you feel and what your fears are. Ask him to stop drinking.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what your parents taught you. I would also think your mother tiptoed around her H's drinking problem similarly to how you are now doing. You've as her daughter have in turn gone onto marry someone who also has an alcohol dependency problem. Talking to him about his drinking will be a waste of time because like many alcoholics he is in denial and could well blame you for it all accusing you of nagging him etc.

Its not so much the frequency either, its the after effects this is having on your family unit which is the problem here. Alcoholism is not called "the family disease" for no good reason; you are all affected by the alcoholic. I would urge you to read about the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics too.

He will continue to spoil and or otherwise ruin any family occasion you have. What's he like on birthdays, holidays and Christmas; does he actively look for drink and are his thoughts really centering on where the next drink is going to come from?.

Re your comment: "Not leaving him as there's pretty much nothing else I can complain about but I don't know what to do from here..."

I think you will ultimately need to reconsider your current stance about not
leaving him. The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

His alcohol problem mars everything else that is good and what you may find as well is that the number of good times lessen in number. How many more family occasions are you prepared to let him spoil because of his alcoholism?. You do realise that this man could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. You are also playing the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). Your own recovery from your H's alcoholism has not even started yet and there are likely still issues for you to address from childhood re your father's drinking.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want your kids to remember about their childhoods?. What do you remember about yours and re your dad in particular? Currently your eldest is seeing a preoccupied and otherwise worried mother around her whilst her dad is drunk or otherwise sleeping it off in bed. How did you explain to your child that her day out (as well as yours) was canned because of her dad?. How did that make you feel?. BTW you should have gone out without him and left him in his pit. Stop keeping this a secret from other people as well because alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

It would be a very good idea for you to attend Al-anon meetings online or in person or at the very least read their literature.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You did not when you were a child and you were exposed to parental alcoholism which has harmed you emotionally. These situations usually go one way too; downhill and steadily also.

Talking to him about his drinking may well not get you very far.

Do not accept that you are the reason for their drinking or any requests for you to change your behaviour. An alcoholic partner may say that they’ll cut down if you don’t nag them, tell anyone or put pressure on them. Remember that this isn’t your fault, and that the person would be battling with an alcohol problem whether or not they were with you.

HE is the only one who can decide if he wants help for his alcohol problem or not; you cannot decide this for him. You cannot make him stop drinking, the choice is up to him.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You cant cure it

Unless he wants to stop drinking there is nothing you can do. Talk to him but if he isnt willing to make the effort to change then do what is best for you and your family.

Well I’m not going to dish out the usual LTB or he’s clearly an alcoholic…..

Is it just once every few months?
I wouldn’t want him drinking to excess around my children but aside from that, I’d rather he go out with mates every few months and get as drunk as he wants and arrange to stay elsewhere.

Does he feel remorseful today?

What does he say afterwards, when it’s the. next day and plans are cancelled, or when he can’t do his share of childcare? Does he acknowledge that his drinking caused problems? Does he want to quit, or to set up limits for himself? Has he ever tried? He may or may not be an addict, but his behaviour is negatively impacting you and your daughter. If you don’t want to ask him to stop drinking altogether, can you at least ask that he not repeat specific incidents. If he’s mainly drinking at home when friends and family are there, consider eliminating alcohol in the household during your pregnancy, as you can’t …. Which gives a built-in explanation for why he’s not drinking and why there’s no alcohol in the house. Of course, it’s also possible that he can moderate himself and it just hasn’t occurred to him to try. Don’t give him endless chances though; it’ll be clear very fast if he can handle things or if he needs outside help.

Just say to him when he’s sober (which sounds like the vast majority of the time if it is once every couple of months) that you really struggle when he’s too hungover to function and you hate needing to cancel plans. If your relationship is otherwise good likelihood is he’ll listen?

If he still can’t control himself on a night out, he needs to give you notice of events and plan to stay with a friend. That way you can make appropriate plans and not be let down. Id also be expecting he picks up the parenting slack on the following weekend so you get a break too.

I’d be very annoyed if he did this in the first couple of months of having a newborn. I hope, if he truly is an otherwise good guy, he won’t.

I don't know if I could get too worked up about the getting really drunk every few months, but I would have zero truck with the lounging around in bed the next day.

My DH is a lot like yours in that every now and then he gets carried away and drinks way too much. It happens, it's not a big deal. But if he feels like shit the next day, he accepts that that's the price he's paying for his good time the night before and he sucks it up and gets on with the day. We have never had to cancel plans because he's hungover. Not once. So tbh I don't care if he gets wasted now and then.

Your DH needs to stop being such a wetter, and get on with life with a hangover like a reasonable adult.

Sorry but this isn’t a lovely DH. This is someone who knowingly drinks to excess and puts this over and above family time. He has a problem with alcohol. Doesn’t have to be a daily thing.
Stop making excuses for him. Stop covering for him. Look for support for you. He’s a functioning alcoholic now. But he could decline. And what will you do when your kids are old enough to understand what’s going on?
Sorry OP this would be it for me.

Put some Ipecac in his drink when he's not looking. Do it every time he drinks until he stops. Tell him he must have developed an allergy to alcohol.

But seriously, people who dont have a good 'off' button with alcohol know it. They choose to drink anyway. I think it is a type of alcoholism and there is not much you can do about it other than hope hope hope it doesnt get even worse.

It's obvious he's got an issue with alcohol.

Nothing you can do as he keeps repeating the same behaviour.

He will try and tell you it's normal lots of people do this.... they don't.... only the ones who are in denial.

Thanks everyone.. definitely there's lots more that I've not worked through regarding my dad's alcohol issues and I'm sure as a PP has said that it does leave you emotionally damaged! I need to sit down with him when he's completely sober and have some serious talk.. I can't deal with it continuing or getting worse, the last thing I could possibly want is it turning into my parents nightmare of a relationship. And re my daughter/future child I really don't want them growing up having to deal with what I had to deal with, so need to get it sorted asap.
Thanks everyone for the backup! I do remember a bit from my mum going to Al Anon but I think it would be great to refresh my memory.
I've kicked him out of bed now and I'm going to have a nap - not great when I didn't sleep all night keeping an eye on him plus being pregnant! - I'm sure he's big and ugly enough to deal with a headache by himself.

I wouldn’t be impressed with having to cancel plans but personally I wouldn’t mind a big night out every two months. Obviously not when you have a newborn either… I like to let my hair down and go out or away with friends every now and then for a bit of a wild one but I would never do it at a time where we had plans the next day and if I was too tired/hungover for childcare I would make sure I made it up to DH and gave him the ‘time off in lieu’.

The fact is that it’s upsetting you though so that’s not ok - time for a very serious chat about boundaries with DH. You need to make it clear that this isn’t acceptable to you and what you need from him.

Sorry - cross posted!

Once every couple of months?

Thanks @Hettythechicken yes I understand once a couple of months probably isn't a big deal to many people but it makes me really worked up and stressed out when I know beforehand that he'll be drinking, and then I worry for the next day or so.. and although he's not a massive daily or weekly drinker whenever he does have something I feel my hackles rising! I'm not sure if it's partly due to my childhood or whether I'm just too anxious about it all, however he needs to know how I feel about it.

@HubbabubbaT my late father was an alcoholic so I completely understand those feelings. ❤️

History has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

if you get stressed out and otherwise preoccupied about his drinking both before and after he’s done this your children will see that in you and will pick up on this. They in time learn to behave similarly.

You can only help your own self ultimately, not him.