Friend asking me to spy on her abusive ex. Feeling really uneasy

[ProblemFriend]

NC for this.

I became friends with a school run mum a few years back. Her DS and mine are in the same class. She was going through a difficult divorce and custody battle at the time with her financially and emotionally abusive ex at the time. After months of court battles he was awarded 1 night a week and every other weekend. Friend was devastated and said he shouldn’t have unmonitored access as her DS is traumatised when left with dad.

Her DS and mine recently started an activity on Saturdays and so every other Saturday I see her ex as he brings their son to the venue. My friend constantly calls me after the activity to grill me about her ex, what was he doing, did I witness him losing his temper with DS, was he talking to anyone? and so on. The first few times I spent ages reassuring her that everything seemed fine and her DS was happy at the activity. However it’s now getting a bit tiresome. She has asked me to call her immediately if I spot DS looking distressed and when I don’t call, I have never seen him looking upset with his dad, she will send a barrage of texts “Is DS ok?? How does he seem? What is ex doing..” A few weeks back when it was the ex’s Saturday, both boys wanted to play after their activity ended so the four of us went to a nearby park. This seemed to really upset my friend. I explained the boys simply wanted to play and she said I didn’t understand how toxic her ex is and it upset her that I chose to “hang out” with him.

Things kind of came to a head when the ex took their son a class birthday party that I also attended. I left my phone at home and when I returned I had missed calls from her and frantic messages asking if I was at the party and please can I let her know how DS is? When I called her back I tried to gently say she needed to stop asking me to report on her ex’s every move. It all ended badly, she was in tears and hung up. I feel like crap as she’s a really good friend and not sure how to salvage this and if I’m even in the wrong?

I think going to the park was a bad move, like a really bad move. Are you single, OP? Does she worry that you’ll hook up with him? I couldn’t hang round with someone I know had abused my friend. The boys see each other enough, they don’t need to go to the park, that seems a bit OTT.

Have you seen any evidence that dad is a bad parent? It may be the way you have written it but it strikes me as an extremely neurotic mother who can't bear the fact that her son has some timenwith his dad. Rather than there actually being anything wrong with his dad. Without knowing the previous relationship it is impossible to know of course but if the kid seems happy...

I had a similar issue with a friend of my dd in that dad got part custody, mum not happy (she was right to be) but instead of alienating dad we still did what the kids wanted which meant that the kid felt able to confine in me when things went bad, as I was another constant - albeit occasional.

This would drive me nuts. I'd be forgetting my phone on a regular basis!

Could you say that you've seen nothing untoward so you don't want to keep having to talk about it although if you do see something, you'll let her know. And then every time she brings it up, you change the subject til she gets the message.

The difficult thing here is that what you describe could be the actions of a mum very concerned about an abusive ex having access to her children OR the actions of a controlling and manipulative mum who is not wanting to let the other parent care for their child.

Either way her hounding you isn’t fair or helpful in anyway.

In your shoes I’d tell her how overwhelming the texts/calls have been for you. Reassure her that you would contact her immediately if you ever thought her child was unsafe or in danger but tell her you will no longer be texting/calling updates because you are focused on watching/caring for your own child.

to be honest she may be a good friend but if she can’t respect that the level of calls/text is too much thenthe friendship is lost anyway. You can always arrange a time to have a supportive chat and cuppa to help her.

There are two sides to every story. You aren't planning on dating him or marrying him (although that's all up to you); and your respective sons are friends and do a lot of common activities. She has said that her DS is traumatised by spending time with his father, but you have seen no evidence of that at all. So I would suggest that you tell her that you respect her desire to know that her son is safe, but that IF you see any sign he is not you will tell her, and unless that is the case you do not want to take calls, texts or have any other discussion about her former husband as it is none of your business, and her asking you to spy on him like this is making you uncomfortable. You would like to remain friends, and promise that if you have any concerns at all you will tell her, but those are the terms of the friendship and the boundaries you want to keep, and she must then decide whether she can agree to that. And stick to your guns.

I think that her insisting on monitoring your interactions with her ex and their son is very unreasonable, and it's unfair of anyone to criticise you for going to the park or anywhere else so that two friends who are children can play.

I appreciate that everyone has their own story, and she and her ex may not have been in a healthy relationship for the two of them. But she sounds rather obsessive and controlling, so perhaps the divorce was the best thing; but that doesn't mean that either version of events is the correct one, so stay out of it and don't take sides - this is for the children, not you, her or him.

Both boys wanted to play for a bit in the park and I didn’t see an issue with it. I don’t know why that would be viewed as OTT. I wasn’t hanging out with the ex, he spent his time buried in his phone and we barely spoke. He isn’t unfriendly but we don’t have much to say to each other. We are not friends by any stretch of the imagination never mind anything else.

I haven’t seen any evidence of bad parenting but I literally only see them arrive at the activity venue together and leave. We sit in a shared space waiting for the activity to end but do not talk to each other, he has earphones on and I try to read and have a coffee except my friend constantly messages asking for updates. My DS and friends DS leave the activity at the same time and will run ahead chatting, then friends DS goes off with his dad to their car. I have not seen the ex so much as raise his voice but my friend says he has a vicious temper and her DS has come home in tears because of it. I don’t disbelieve her, I just haven’t seen it myself so I can’t ‘report’ this to her which is what she seems to want.

Is she a good friend, OP?

Do you like her and trust her?

If so - why are you going to the park with her ex, however distant or independently seated he was?

Of course she won't like that - who would?

That seems odd of you. I'd avoid that happening again.

I wouldn’t get involved.

So my son should never be allowed to play with his friend when the friend is in the care of his dad? When my friend takes her DS to the activity the boys play together afterwards, go for pizza etc. But every other week I have to drag my son away and refuse to let him interact with his friend??

Yes, she is a good friend. I hope I’ve been a good friend to her too. The park situation wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if the situation was reversed. She even said to me “he’s so anti-social, I bet he completely ignored you” when we were there which is basically true.

I think so, OP.

I'd keep clear, personally. It's a tinder box.

It's not like your friend's ex has an enormous amount of contact. Plenty of options for your DS nad friend to play together the other 90%+ of the time.

I think it’s weird you went to the park with her ex..

I understand why you went to the park. I’m not sure it was the wrong thing to do either because, if anything, it enabled you to continue to keep an eye on your friend’s child.

I agree with PPs who suggest making clear to your friend that you will let her know if you have any concerns.

Don't answer the phone.
Send a text after a few mins 'sorry I can't talk are you ok, all fine with ds'

Grey rock her about this situation, no I didn't see them arrive, I was talking to dh during the activity...

You're feeding the situation with your answers, make the situation the same each week. And if the kids want to go to the park, could you offer to take both and drop him at dads later?

I don’t see a problem with the park either. You are allowed to foster your own friendship with friend’s ex. However, I agree with @forestgreen that you are fuelling the situation by reporting back. Can you say to friend that you are no longer going to give a weekly report, as everything seems above order, and will come to her only if you have any concerns.

I think shes gone from worrying about potential abuse to wanting something to happen. It’s time to be straight with her, if you ever witnessed concerning behaviour, you would contact her. The only thing she’s achieving by constantly contacting you is jeopardising your friendship.