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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I tell ex I have met someone new?

24 replies

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 13:43

Obligatory name change so my posts are not linked!

How do I tell my ex I have met someone and it’s getting serious?

Backstory- ex and I split about 6 years ago, but apart from the odd date, I have not met anyone or really moved on to someone new. During Covid, ex moved back in as it worked for childcare, money, lockdowns etc.

We are very amicable, he has the spare room as his bedroom and our 13 year old knows that we all only live together out of convenience. She knows that we are not together and we have not even had a sneaky kiss in the last 6 years.

Back in January, I met someone and it’s all starting to look like it could get serious, and I need to tell my ex that I have met someone. I know that he will want to move out because it will be even an even more weird situation than it is now. New partner is keen to meet my daughter and be part of my friendship circle, and I agree that it’s the right time for this to happen. But I feel like I’m kicking my ex out of his home, and taking away his circle of support that he’s had for 13 years.

I just can’t get the words out of my mouth to my ex, he will be hurt. He is not a bad guy, we just didn’t work as a couple.

OP posts:

ShaneTwane · 21/08/2022 14:01

Just tell him. He cant have really expected you to remain celebate forever so he doesnt have to worry his arse about finding his own place to live.

Unorthofox · 21/08/2022 15:00

Are you and the ex married? Who owns the house?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 15:04

Just tell him. Pull the plaster off.

how has he not noticed if you live together.

daretodenim · 21/08/2022 15:06

Unorthofox · 21/08/2022 15:00

Are you and the ex married? Who owns the house?

This

Str8talker · 21/08/2022 15:09

Write him a note if you can't tell him to his face. And sooner rather than later!

Original poster

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 15:17

We are not married, together for 7 years ish and live in rented accommodation but It’s my name on the rent.

He hasn’t noticed because I tend to work away quite a bit and have lots of overnight stays with my job. So it’s just been easy to do my own thing.

I just don’t want to keep new man a secret anymore, he’s lovely and deserves to be able to see me and spend time with me whenever we can.

OP posts:

Brigante9 · 21/08/2022 15:26

About time he moved out, no? It’s the wrong impression for your child and you can’t possibly have a proper relationship with someone new with your ex living with you, it’s very odd.

Original poster

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 15:46

@Brigante9 I know, which is why I need to tell him. I am not having a proper relationship- but I want to.

OP posts:

Brigante9 · 21/08/2022 15:49

@Teasforfears you’re going to have to just tell him you need him to move out because you’ve met someone. Why would he be hurt? Are there still feelings there? It’s a weird situation, it isn’t sustainable if you want to move on and have another relationship.

Original poster

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 15:55

Not feelings of love and still wanting each other. More of a comfortable and stable living situation that we found ourselves in. It might seem weird to you, but during lock down we only had each other as a weird little family unit. I thought we were doing the right thing. Obviously now, I know it wasn’t.

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 21/08/2022 15:58

Why on earth would you still live together? Thars very unhealthy

Fairygarden1992 · 21/08/2022 16:02

Oh that is all kinds of no!

Sit down chat next time kids aren't around, appreciate how great it's been having him there but it's time for you to move on with your life now.

SneakAttackDamage · 21/08/2022 17:33

That sounds really tough. But it's good you acknowledge that's a conversation that needs to take place, and that putting it off is only going to make it harder.

I'd have a good think about how you'd feel if the situation was reversed, how you'd like the news broken to you. You clearly know your ex partner well, and care for him. Let him know as kindly as you can.

gertrudemortimer · 21/08/2022 19:10

So every time you've met the new man your ex has been having the dc thinking it's your work pattern?
If that's the case then will you reduce ex's time with dc because you don't need to meet in secret anymore?

If I was him I would be angry at the deceit and lies but would obviously find somewhere else to live asap.

DarkMa · 21/08/2022 19:14

Very strange to be living with an ex-boyfriend for 7 years when the tenancy is in your name.

He's had it cushy!

bumpytrumpy · 21/08/2022 19:17

I'd ask ex to leave without mentioning new man for now. 1-2 months notice seems fair after all this time.

Otherwise You run the risk of the children associating new man with their dad being kicked out, which isn't fair on anyone (even though it's technically true).

magaluf1999 · 21/08/2022 19:31

Ask your ex to find somewhere to
Live. Introduce new BF to your friends.
Leave a few months then introduce to daughter.

Dont let her associate your new bf with her dad being asked to leave.

Original poster

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 19:33

@gertrudemortimer I’ve only been seeing the new guy since January, so far it’s been coffees and meals on my days off when daughter is at school, the odd night away when she is having a sleep over at her friends or whatever. None of which I have had to justify because we are not in a relationship.
I’m not going to move the new partner in, i just want my ex to be aware of him. Of course I won’t reduce their time together, he’s her dad, not a part time child minder.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teasforfears · 21/08/2022 19:34

@DarkMa he’s not lived here for 8 years, he’s lived here for about 18 months.

OP posts:

hairymclaryforever · 21/08/2022 19:35

ShaneTwane · 21/08/2022 21:43

If theres no feelings on either side what are you worrying about

StarDolphins · 21/08/2022 21:50

i would ask him to move out & continue seeing your new man for a few months then tell ex. Your DD doesn’t need to know her DD is moving out because you have a new bf.

Also, I wouldn’t be introducing new bf to your DD for a long time yet. Jan is still v recent. Let her get over her DD moving out & have time to get used to that.

hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 09:21

Just tell him. FWIW I think your living arrangement sounds ideal for the situation pre new BF. No idea what the pearl clutching is all about. Totally sensible to have a friend lodging with you who can also look after and see his own child. Financially, socially, parenting...win win

Naunet · 22/08/2022 12:17

I actually think your living situation throughout Covid is great if it’s been working for you both. Long term though it was unlikely to last, it’s not realistic to think neither of you would meet someone else, and it’s inevitable it would change the dynamics.

When he moved in, was it only meant to be for lockdown? Did you discuss timelines etc? I’d assume it was never meant to be long term? So I think I’d not mention the boyfriend, I’d just tell him that now things are getting back to normal, it’s time he starts looking to move, that it’s been great having him there but you think it’s time to get back to normal.

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