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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel guilty just typing this...

23 replies

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 10:57

I'm 44 and I still have triggers that haunt from my past. My childhood/teenage years.
They're not as bad as they were. I do believe they impacted so much in my 20's that it ended my marriage (my own fault for allowing them to).
I have been on my own since divorcing my dcs dad (12 years). After alot of self healing and growing, I feel I am a different person. A person that actually believes I deserve love/happiness.
My biggest aspiration in life is to be the mum my dcs deserve and avoid everything my mother was. My dcs are wonderful and I am so proud of them.
Fast forward to now. I have let go of my past. I have made a life for me and my dcs. It took alot of study and working through debt I was left with after my divorce. I moved area, to start a fresh. Something I was planning from day one.
My parents were absent in many ways. I had an awful step father. My mother chose him in every way. Lots of neglect. I have awful memories. Me and my siblings separated. Lots of controling behaviour from my step father. Lots of emotional abuse and neglect. However, I have had to let go to heal myself. I have had to forgive, to heal myself. It's not easy sometimes. As little things pop up as a reminder. More so now and I thought I was ok.
My mother has followed me in the area I live. I feel so guilty for feeling this. I moved to feel free. Free to see people when I choose. Keep my distance. Start a fresh. 3 years ago she moved area (an hour away) to be close to her siblings and that didn't work out how she expected. So moved near me.
My mother has had a few relationships since divorcing my step dad about 9 years ago. When in a relationship we don't hear from her. When not in a relationship, we very much do. The latest guy has disappeared.
I'm not sure why I'm typing here. I just feel a little bit annoyed. It's probably too long to type but my mother is and always been quite selfish. I could type some pretty upsetting stuff here but it's long.....I have nobody to talk to about how I feel.
I walk with her in the mornings and there is more contact, popping in etc. I probably feel sorry for her. I try to not think about it but I can't help but think. 'What about when I needed you.' Now it's wanting to spend Christmas together. Wanting to go away for new year because that's not a good time for her. I spent Christmases alone because her and my step dad didn't want to be home at Christmas for us to visit. We weren't allowed to visit. We didn't get Christmas presents as the family was growing. Even though they had so much money and the newest of everything. You name it they had it.
I remember a time, I had to send my dd in school shoes with holes. I don't expect hand outs but if I thought my granddaughter needed new shoes, I wouldn't hesitate if I could help. I remember not even thinking about it then. Struggling financially was the norm. It's as I have grown, looking back, thinking how could you or why did you. I can't explain how difficult my life once was financially and emotionally. That's why I'm struggling with my feelings now because I have built a nice life for myself and dcs and I have all these memories. More so when my mother is near. Then I feel so guilty for feeling anger when I'm in her presence. Its only sometimes but more now she lives so close.
It took me 10 years of building financially, clearing debt, study to gain a career to move area. Am I over thinking this. Will I ever let go of what my mother chose when we were growing up. Can you have a healthy relationship with a parent when you have trauma from the past.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 21/08/2022 11:05

She allowed you to be abused for decades, and you feel guilty that you don't really want to see her.

She should be the one who feels guilty, if you ask me.

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 11:10

I think she does feel alot of guilt. My brother went to live with my father at a young age and he has so many mental health issues because of it. They don't have a relationship now.
I do feel guilt, I can't help it.
I can't afford counselling but it's something I just can't let go of.

OP posts:
Twooforjoy · 21/08/2022 11:15

God love you. You sound like such a wonderful person, a really thoughtful mum, and you’ve taken life by the horns and made the best life for yourself. I think you sound amazing.

I don’t know about what to do with your mum but I’ll say this - your feelings of anger are so valid, normal and - I think they are healthy.

you don’t have to agree to anything. You don’t have to say or justify where your boundaries are with your mum. You don’t have to explain yourself. You have control (as you’ve demonstrated so well in building your life). Remember that. X

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/08/2022 11:16

I had a similar upbringing. I now have a very good relationship with my mother. It is built on two fundamental pillars: boundaries and distance.

I am very clear on what I am and am not willing to do/put up with. She respects this absolutely. As a result, we get along very well, she gets along well with my dc, and they love her very much.

And I live on a different continent.

Dery · 21/08/2022 11:17

What @Surtsey said.

Good parents invest in their relationship with their DCs and their grandchildren. Your mum neglected her DCs (and grandchildren) and instead invested in her relationships with the men in her life.

Your feelings about her are a consequence of her choices. It’s not your job to protect her from the consequences of her behaviour.

If you can bear it, I suggest just being honest. If you don’t want her there at Xmas or NY, don’t have her there. Tell her that because she was always away then and never made an effort to be part of it, she’s not part of your ritual. Or if you can bear to include her, then do so, but tell her how you feel anyway.

Whatever you decide to do - please don’t feel guilty. Your mother is reaping what she sowed.

notlongtoo · 21/08/2022 11:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spudina · 21/08/2022 11:29

You really don’t need to feel guilty. There’s stuff I find it hard to let go of from my childhood and it was no where near as fucked up as that. I sat down with my Dad once and we hashed it out over a two hour difficult conversation. It was hard and things were said that can’t be unsaid by both of us. But I don’t regret it as holding it in was getting us know where and we had to find a way forward. You have created a life to be proud of. In spite of, not because of your parent. Set some boundaries if you want her in your life, including Christmas. But you get to choose the relationship you have going forwards.

Isittrueornot · 21/08/2022 11:32

Guilt? I wouldn’t feel guilt at all. Stop being a people pleaser, be selfish. Tell her to get lost, why would you let her drag you down again?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/08/2022 11:43

You dont need to afford counselling, if this is making you depressed your local IAPT service should be able to offer you counselling on the NHS. You can find it online and probably refer yourself that way too. Keep good boundaries with your mother so she is not dictating what you do, because it can tip into that really quickly.

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 11:48

Thankyou all, I really appreciate your message and kind words.
I have thought about explaining to her. It was so much easier living at a distance.
I am stronger at holding boundaries, however, still find this difficult.
Our relationship is better than it was. That's because my step dad isn't in the picture.
I don't have much going on in my own life personally so I feel easily available. Whereas my sister is always busy, married, so my mum keeps her distance.
One thing that really stuck out recently and why I'm having these uncomfortable thoughts. My mum said to me, she feels comfortable visiting me but not my sister. She feels like she can't just pop in as she needs to be invited, however, with me me she can pop in. Then said 'even when you are putting your feet up and having 5 minutes, I think oh I still will pop in' and she laughed. I felt so angry. I never ever get 5 minutes. I'm either working, driving distance here there and everywhere, visiting my eldest dd, spending time doing something with dcs or housework. I have said I really need my own space for my mental health. So to her, it didn't matter. That made me think wow, this will continue. When I moved here a year ago. I felt so settled and away from everything, people, bad memories. Something has unsettled me and I'm really frustrated by it.

OP posts:
SoyMarina · 21/08/2022 11:51

You are too kind to her.
Best suggestion upthread is to put a distance between you and her and the best way to do this is to put yourself and you DC first at all times.
Next time she suggests something, say to yourself “do I want to do this?”
Try and see her less often.
She caused your trauma and now she is triggering you.

YoSofi · 21/08/2022 12:00

Twooforjoy · 21/08/2022 11:15

God love you. You sound like such a wonderful person, a really thoughtful mum, and you’ve taken life by the horns and made the best life for yourself. I think you sound amazing.

I don’t know about what to do with your mum but I’ll say this - your feelings of anger are so valid, normal and - I think they are healthy.

you don’t have to agree to anything. You don’t have to say or justify where your boundaries are with your mum. You don’t have to explain yourself. You have control (as you’ve demonstrated so well in building your life). Remember that. X

I echo this wonderful post x

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 12:07

Twooforjoy thankyou 😊
It overwhelms be sometimes how kind people can be 🙏

OP posts:
Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 12:08

YoSofi yes, thankyou 😊

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 21/08/2022 12:33

Listen, if you were a bloke, you might be much more pragmatic about this. A lot of us know someone - let us call him Chris In Accounting - who will quite openly say stuff like,
"Mum kept on dropping round when I was very busy, so every time I just told her I was going out right that minute, until I trained her out of it"
You are who you are, she is who she is, and it IS possible to politely suit yourself (so the times you do spend together are the pleasant ones, and the other stuff you just duck).

As ever the reasons why she is how she is are going to lie in her childhood. Understanding them can (IME) help you accept, even if she still bugs the hell out of you!

queenMab99 · 21/08/2022 12:36

I think previous posters are right, you need to make your boundaries clear, for example, tell her that you are happy she feels comfortable visiting you, but you do need time for yourself, so she should phone or message first to ask if you are free.
I also think you have done well to overcome the neglect and abuse that your mother's selfishness caused, you have worked hard for that peace, don't let her spoil it, you are in control of your life now.

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 13:08

I do try to make myself busy at times.
I think it's more anxiety of what's to come.
When she moved near to her siblings. Her brother cooked for her every weekend on a Sunday and even delivered it through times of covid. He became unwell and stopped cooking he became very unwell actually. My mum started dog walking with his daughter. She met someone so that stopped. My mum fell out with her sister. She then said, she wasn't getting any younger and needs to be closer to us. I think she speaks to my uncle occasionally but he isn't in good health and I know she wouldn't cook for him. Not even visit now. She didn't have much to do with my nan (her mum). My auntie looked after my nan in old age (that's why they fell out, a year after my nans passing). My mum has recently started to see her dad again after years of hardly ever. My grandads wife cooks Sunday lunch for her most Sundays.
My mum makes remarks about my sister not inviting her on holidays or get togethers (my sister has dcs and grandchildren). I feel angry and think to myself why should she. You didn't invite us anywhere. We weren't even allowed to visit. I don't like this anger I have in me.
My sister does invite her but not always. That's fair in my eyes.
Thankyou all. I just feel so frustrated at the moment and have nobody to talk to.

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 21/08/2022 13:24

I’m not surprised you’re angry given the neglect, leaving you open to abuse, not being there for you and your kids. I think the guilt is from conditioning that you’ve had; that your needs are not considered important but that you must put up with it. She’s as good as said that your rest is less important than her entitlement to turn up at your door when she likes.

Sounds like you have done an amazing job to build a good life for you and your kids; but you’re not yet through to a point where you are unapologetic and clear on what you need.

I would recommend the Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast with this wonderful woman, Natalie Lue, who talks a lot about drawing the line with people and building self-esteem.

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 13:43

Of course you are feeling unsettled.

This awful selfish woman who neglected you and never gave a shit about you has decided to gate crash your life because she will need elder care.

Your gut is screaming at you to tell her to fxxk and leave you and your life alone.

Beware of subjugating your feelings because it can lead to depression through unexpressed anger.

You owe her NOTHING.

Stop trying to persuade yourself into having a relationship that you don't want.

It will make you ill.

Your mother chose to be a selfish neglectful person.

The consequences of this is she does NOT get to use you in her later life.

First off you have to sit and be really, really honest with yourself as to what YOU want.

If you want to cut her off, do it.
You owe her nothing.

If you want a distant, low contact relationship.
Tell her that.

She does not get to call on you when she wants.
The bloody cheek of her.

Fibd your anger and outrage at the cheek of her, before it causes you to be depressed and unwell.

You are an amazing woman who DESPITE your mothers wilful neglect, has made success of your life.

Stop tolerating this woman pushing into your life.

She made HER choices.

Now YOU get to decide the consequences.

Remember you owe her NOTHING.

Your obligations are 100% to your children, to mind yourself and stay well.

Nursemammato3 · 21/08/2022 14:09

Thank-you! Just being able to say this has given me such a release. Thankyou so much!

After the divorce, she told me things about my step dad. Mum pretty much played the victim. Still does. It's never her fault. It's always (whoever she is with). He made her this way.
She told me she had to lied to us if we mentioned visiting, pretending she was out or going out because she knew that he wouldn't want us there.
She once took me to a hospital appointment when I was 18 (suspected appendicitis). She got a speeding ticket and told my sister she was going to make me pay for it. She didn't. My sister told me years later. I remembered that yesterday as we were talking about speed cameras and she mentioned it. Another trigger. It's little things like that.

Sorry, its all coming out now.

I also hold something that I have never said out loud. It's about my step dad. I remember it happened twice. I was young and didn't understand it. Only really until I turned about 40. Maybe I blocked it out. I'm not sure I will ever say it out loud because maybe I have it wrong. I don't know. Just so many demons. I always pass it off, saying it could ha e been worse.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/08/2022 14:59

You poor poor pet.

I'm so sorry that life has been so hard.

But you are so resilient to have come so far.

You can get through this too, but you have to put your needs first.

It is amazing how selfish women like your mother so conveniently play victim in relationships when it suits them.

You were a defenseless child and the only person she concerned herself about, is herself.

Well now it is your turn to finally put yours first.
In this instance, you have to do it, to protect YOUR children.

Do not allow yourself to be used at this point.

Your sister is correct in putting up boundaries.

Your gut is trying to protect you, please listen to this.

Your mother has moved near you, to use you.

It is not about adding anything to your life, or the lives of your children.

She chose herself above you many, many times.

Now you need to do the same.

There is a suggestion of inappropriate behaviour on the part of your awful step father in your last post.

If this is true, its even worse.

Please stop thinking of others and start by being to yourself, to the little child you were, that was so poorly treated.

That little girl should be your only priority.
Leave your mother to get on with her life, users like her will always find someone else to use.

Brigante9 · 21/08/2022 15:14

I feel that we are very much conditioned as women to be nice, by society, often by families, often through guilt. You seem to be suffering from misplaced guilt, @Nursemammato3 It is not your responsibility to look after your extremely neglectful mother. You sound exhausted: can you limit her visits/demands on you? I think it sounds like you should. It’s not for you to look after her, particularly when you consider how sodding awful she was to you growing up.

Nursemammato3 · 22/08/2022 08:48

Thankyou!
I'm trying to think of ways to hold back and not get into any patterns.
She has taken the same week annual leave as me. My plan is to do things with my dcs. I have a grandchild too who I like to spend time with. The summer holidays were always so difficult and would have loved my parents to take some time to spend with my dcs, their grandchildren but they never did. The memories would have been nice for them too. So I like to be a grandparent my dcs never had. I also like to think I'm helping my eldest dc out and giving her some time to herself. Some time with her husband too. Me and my ex husband never had that time.
On the day I have my grandchild my mother said oh I will plan something else that day then. I question, is she wanting me to spend time with my grandchild without her or is she not wanting to. She never visits my eldest dc.

I just want to say thankyou for letting me open up here. I couldn't take things off my mind yesterday. I looked at baggage reclaim, thanks for that. I really wish I could afford a therapist as I feel like there is so much to off load. I do wonder if I need to offload things I have never spoke about. Will this help. Not sure.

Thankyou again!

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