Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a friendship with flaky friend who I have ''outgrown''...

27 replies

Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 09:28

I think it is time for me to end my contact with a female friend who I have know for several years.

The last straw is the she invited me to go out on Saturday night to attend a specific music event that usually takes place once a month , only to cancel a couple of hours before we were due to meet. She had just realised the event was not taking place as usual in August. She did not even apologise, just sent a text with an emoji saying she had just realised the event was not happening. She has a habit of being late to things and generally unreliable. Saturday meant I ended up with no plans for the evening and also I had invited another friend to join us and had to contact them to say it was not happening which was really mortifying.

I had already realised that we have very different values and interests at this stage so I had already put her in the acquaintance category rather close friends but was still planning to stay in touch. She was kind to me when I had some health problems a few years ago so I guess I stayed in touch with her because of it.

I am in a place where I am re-assessing my friendships because I have realised most of them have only continued because I often do all the organising and put up with some stuff that I was not happy with in the name of not being ''judgemental''. I have recently had therapy to address the fact that I can lack self-esteem and have been too much of a people pleaser in the past in relationships and I am now seeing the world and how I interact with others with very different eyes.

Would people just let the friendship run its course by simply ignoring any further invites to meet until she gets the message or should I clearly tell her that I no longer want her in my life? At this stage my decision is made that I no longer want to be friend but I wonder if I owe her an explanation or not....

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 21/08/2022 09:29

Just let it drift. Would she even notice?

Hotandbothereds · 21/08/2022 09:32

Tbh I’d have said to both friends, the music event isn’t happening let’s still go out for dinner/drinks/cinema /something else?

What was stopping you from doing that?

To be fair you did the same thing to your other friend- how will you feel if she now uses this as a reason to end your whole friendship?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 21/08/2022 09:32

Why on earth didn’t you just suggest doing something else then and just do that on Saturday night? Or do something with the other friend? You can just change plans.

if you don’t want to be friends with her then that’s fine, but if you wanted to do something on Saturday night you had 2 other people you had arranged to meet. You could have done something else.

LadyWithLapdog · 21/08/2022 09:33

I know it’s painful to lose friends. I’d let it drift and only give an explanation if she asks. Did you do anything else on Saturday night?

Antarcticant · 21/08/2022 09:38

she had just realised the event was not taking place as usual in August.

I realise she has form for flakiness, but this particular incident sounds like an easy mistake to make.

PurpleDaisies · 21/08/2022 09:47

I agree-this could have been a genuine mistake. There was nothing stopping you doing something else with your friends.

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 09:53

No need for drama.

Let things drift and don't be available if she contacts you.

Original poster
Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 09:56

@Hotandbothereds I did suggest we met to just have a drink instead near the location we had agreed to meet at which she declined suggesting instead I could come to her home which is completely on the other side of town and as there was a train strike that day I can't afford a taxi to go that far.

I also did not do the same thing to my other friend as you suggest. He had plans to have dinner with other people first before joining us, so he simply was going to stay with this group of people for longer instead.

The point is I am fed up to always have to end up organising things and this is not an isolated incident. At some point you have to say enough is enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 10:00

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister
Why on earth didn’t you just suggest doing something else then and just do that on Saturday night? Or do something with the other friend? You can just change plans.

As per my post above I did exactly that...

I also suggested we meet next weekend instead to which she replied that she had other plans and she did not try to suggest any alternative.

To me friendship really should not be that hard and it does not exactly make me feel like someone values my time and company.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 21/08/2022 10:35

Hi op yes dont chase friends I learnt that the hard way. Not nice when they cancel. I let one go she never got in touch either. We outgrew the friendship I think.

caulescens · 21/08/2022 10:50

Never message her first, never suggest doing anything and if she does invite you/suggest something say something similar to you'll have to sit this one out as you have a lot on the month. If you do want to see her make sure that it is at your convenience and there is a definite plan B on the likely event she doesn't turn up/is late/cancels at the last minute.

sangletea · 21/08/2022 11:03

I've been in a similar situation before

I decided to just leave things and not make
Contact or initiate anything.

I never heard from this person again. She didn't contact me either

About 2 years later got a drunken message asking what she had done to offend me and why i had cut her out

BlackFur · 21/08/2022 11:57

People rarely want explanations IME!!

I think it only really works in very specific circumstances. Maybe where you really want to keep the friendship and a sense that the issue can be resolved.

I also think it’s interesting that when you pointedly withdraw from a friendship people rarely ask you what’s happened, is there anything they did to upset you?! They can probably guess is my view, or they are feeling a similar way.

Finally, if you are quite tolerant, by the time they’ve really hacked you off and you’ve worked out the difficulty at the centre, it’s probably a bit too late in the day.

Anyway, the less drama the better IMO. Just don’t initiate things and don’t be available for stuff.

SandAndSea · 21/08/2022 12:02

I wouldn't get into any drama. I would just leave it for now. Who knows where life will take you both or what she is really going through ATM?

FiveDollarMilkshake · 21/08/2022 12:05

I don’t see how it would be “mortifying” to tell your other friend the event wasn’t on? Friends should understand and so should you. Fair enough if you don’t want to be her friend anymore, just let it drift without any dramatic exit!

Hotandbothereds · 21/08/2022 12:53

Without much other context I think this was just an unfortunate mix up, your friend offered an alternative to go to her, you didn’t/couldn’t do that so neither solution worked but it’s not like she just flaked on you.

If you don’t want to be friends with someone just don’t be but I don’t honestly think this incident alone is much to get worked up about.

Hotandbothereds · 21/08/2022 12:56

I also did not do the same thing to my other friend as you suggest. He had plans to have dinner with other people first before joining us, so he simply was going to stay with this group of people for longer instead.

So what was mortifying about this situation? I think you’re making this much more dramatic than necessary.

UWhatNow · 21/08/2022 12:57

FiveDollarMilkshake · 21/08/2022 12:05

I don’t see how it would be “mortifying” to tell your other friend the event wasn’t on? Friends should understand and so should you. Fair enough if you don’t want to be her friend anymore, just let it drift without any dramatic exit!

This ^

Chewbecca · 21/08/2022 13:00

FiveDollarMilkshake · 21/08/2022 12:05

I don’t see how it would be “mortifying” to tell your other friend the event wasn’t on? Friends should understand and so should you. Fair enough if you don’t want to be her friend anymore, just let it drift without any dramatic exit!

Yep, exactly this.

Kanfuzed123 · 21/08/2022 13:35

I’m actually going through the same with my oldest friend. I’ve reached out and tried to provide support, make contact when she’s gone through a tough time even though she totally turned her back on me when I did. Oddly when she needed someone she was very responsive and available.

from what you’re writing, I think you want permission to say it’s ok, the friendship has run it’s course. It sounds like you feel deeply let down by this person as it seems to be a consistent theme in your friendship, perhaps she hasn’t been there for you too when you needed it and you feel like it’s not a reciprocal relationship so feel annoyed and want to say something. I feel the same. Maybe that’s why it was mortifying to cancel on your friend because it’s already something that’s really bothering you.

ive decided though, I just don’t have the mental energy to tell another adult how friendship works. What good will come of it? Would anything change, unlikely right. Ultimately both of our flakes don’t value us enough to make an effort and it is really that simple. Most friendships are transient anyway, few stand the test of time. Just leave as is, personally I wouldn’t agree to meet 1:1 again, or be the party making effort, but nor would I have a ‘falling out’. If she ever asks (which I doubt she will) then mention it

Original poster
Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 15:59

@FiveDollarMilkshake
''I don’t see how it would be “mortifying” to tell your other friend the event wasn’t on? ''

Because it was not the first time that plans were cancelled/changed at the last minute because of her and I don't want to be seen as flaky by association.

And because this other friend had just had a tough week where he had to go to the funeral of one of his former classmates and we had messaged about how upsetting it all was. Basically I felt bad to have to this under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 16:08

I think a few people who are accusing me of being ''dramatic'' are actually missing the point.

This thread is not about whether it is reasonable or not to end that friendship. It is about the best way to go about it.

This was not a one-off event as I have already made clear. This person has on many occasions turned up 30 minutes late when we had agreed to meet and this is not the first time that she cancels something at the last minute or that I truly feel that I am only contacted when she does not have a better option. As I have mentioned I also do not want to be flaky by association by in turn messing up the diary of other people because of her.

When she invited me to go out on Saturday my thinking was that this was the last chance I was giving her. If there was the usual lateness, change of plans and so on I had already decided that it would be it for me as I no longer am prepared to put up with this behaviour from anyone.

We are not carefree young people in their 20s either, my friends group is middle aged so going out actually takes some preparation and juggling around various responsibilities.

Thanks to everyone else who gave me some useful advice. It is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 21/08/2022 16:33

Whitehorsegirl · 21/08/2022 15:59

@FiveDollarMilkshake
''I don’t see how it would be “mortifying” to tell your other friend the event wasn’t on? ''

Because it was not the first time that plans were cancelled/changed at the last minute because of her and I don't want to be seen as flaky by association.

And because this other friend had just had a tough week where he had to go to the funeral of one of his former classmates and we had messaged about how upsetting it all was. Basically I felt bad to have to this under the circumstances.

But you weren’t cancelling on that friend completely- it was a change of plan out of your hands, and that friend could’ve chosen to still meet up after their meal.

They chose not to, which is fine but I really think you’re over thinking it.

Stripedbag101 · 21/08/2022 16:50

This all seems hard work. End the friendship - you are clearly not compatible.

you example was odd. Why didn’t you google the event if you were extending the invitation - particularly when you know your friend is flaky? Why didn’t you meet your other friend for a drink?

BlackFur · 21/08/2022 18:52

Yep, people missing the point OP! MN always love to put the OP on trial, j’accuse style. Maybe they are frustrated forensic detectives? Or else simply unpleasant busybodies who just like to bait and/or make an OP look bad. They nearly always completely miss the point anyway and have nothing to contribute to the real issue!!