Don't know what to do about husband

[Endofmytetherfinally]

Name changed as people know the old one. I have been married 18M. 16M daughter. Wedding was covid cancelled and rescheduled with just witnesses pre the birth hence the close gap. Together for 4 years. Both in our 30s and had serious relationships previously but 1st marriage for both of us.

The last few years have been hard. Lockdowns meant we couldn't travel and I live in his home country so have been homesick. Stressful work situations meant I changed job after birth and went back early to accommodate a shock redundancy for him.

Basically we both work full time and are struggling with the pressure of having a young child. We don't communicate well or have much fun together. Feels like a slog most of the time. He does more housework and cooking. I do more childcare. Both resent the other and feel we are each worse off.

Can't tell if this is just a hard period and to power through. He's open to go to counselling and we both have our own therapists. But when? Would have to ask in laws to babysit and they already do 1 day a week and don't want more.

Its good that you’re both open to counselling. Is there an option to meet with a counsellor remotely, on Zoom maybe?

It sounds like you’re in a good position to try and make things work if that’s what you want. Having a young baby and working are hard. Are there things you are both willing to share and talk about to try and solve some of the ‘who does what’ resentment?

Also, are you both getting enough sleep? IME sleep deprivation is a killer to a relationship.

If you want to save your marriage you will do whatever it takes to go to counselling together. It's very promising that your husband is willing to go.

Having a young child can turn everything upside down, and you definitely need help in learning to communicate effectively. If he is not abusive, and he's a good man and father, I would do everything possible to try and repair the marriage.

Feels like a slog most of the time. He does more housework and cooking. I do more childcare. Both resent the other and feel we are each worse off

Of course it's a slog. 95% of being an adult is a slog and that's before you have a child to care for. Why are you turning what he does and what you do into a pissing contest? It's just silly.

Sorry I wasn't clear. Ultimately I'm not looking to separate or divorce even temporarily. We both want to make it work. We just can't seem to communicate.

We did see a counsellor in person and on zoom shortly after the birth (I had PND) who was good so we could try and go back to her. In person is obviously more effective. My concern is the sessions are good but generaply you revert to your usual behaviour straight after if you're stressed or tired. Which we are..all the time. Because as the PP picked - neither of us sleep well.

And yes I agree having a pissing contest is 'silly' but it's a hard trap plenty of couples fall into because you feel defensive... Also the adult life comment is really unhelpful. Obviously I know that.

It's tough. Your not alone... We have been married 5 years and now have a baby. Not sure why our communication has also changed so much. Friends tell me it gets easier as kids get older... Holding onto that! But even short term improvements with counselling will reduce stress and eventually may lead to longer term changes in how you both approach things.

If you "obviously know that" why do you feel resentment towards your husband? You can't communicate effectively now. Were you ever able to do so or was it just easy to ignore because you didn't have a child who turned your life upside down?

You sound like good candidates for marriage counselling. But even if it all ends in divorce, it should help you to get the best result for co-parenting.

You can turn this around OP. Counselling is a good strategy. Can you get a babysitter?

DH and I were fine after our first baby, but the arrival of number 2 really did a number on us. Our relationship was at a low ebb for the first two years, I thought many times that maybe we wouldn't make it. Communication has never been our strong suit either.

Now the DC are 5 and 7 and things have been so much better between us for the past couple of years. The years of young children can be really hard.

We haven't left her with a babysitter yet but she goes to nursery so I could ask if they could recommend someone. To be honest that's part of the problem.

We've been out 2ce for dinner (after putting her to bed, back by 10)and 2ce for lunch since she was born without her. We don't have friends nearby who could take her or a responsible teen and his parents are nervous about putting her to bed. I have left her overnight for work but with him.

Like most parents we just don't get a lot of time with each other alone and I miss him.

@Endofmytetherfinally - if in need of a babysitter ask the nursery staff themselves if they do babysitting - in my experience they often do it to make a bit of extra cash and it will be someone your child is familiar with.

If you are nervous about leaving him / her go somewhere very near the first time so you can be home very quickly if it is a problem.

Adapting to life after a child is tough for both partners and the thing that goes is personal time. We managed to spend enough time together but the thing I missed was time by myself of which there was virtually none unless I was travelling for work. It was the same for my wife - think she made the most of the time the baby slept by having a nap herself. If the child is a poor sleeper so much the worse for everyone - fortunately our kids were so there was a 2 hour window at the end of the day where we could sit and chat.

I do think the time between 1 and 2 is the hardest - kids are very mobile and active but not that easy to communicate with. They don't really watch TV, can't play most games or really converse. As they get older they start to occupy themselves more and days out - to a fair or the zoo are much more rewarding for everyone. It will get better.

In the meantime speak to your OH about your feelings and let him speak about his. Ongoing resentment on both your parts won't help. Maybe rebalance the housework / childcare duties a bit as it might help each other appreciate things better