long time lurker but first time poster.
I’m really in need of some advice and really struggling here with what to do for the best.
My partner and I have been together 4 years (same sex relationship) - we have a much wanted 10 month old and she has two children from a previous relationship in their teens. She was a very young mom - aged 15. Her family are what I would deem close, but they’re also incredibly opinionated and close with her ex and the father of her two children as he was also a young teen when they had the babies and they very much feel they raised him too. They are now in 30s.
My partner and I had been together just over a year when I noticed strange reactions when her ex was mentioned and she didnt want him near her home and all sorts. Eventually it turned out as my partner finally opened up that there was horrendous DV in
the relationship right from a young age and she had felt very forced to stay in the relationship as her parents didnt want her to be another failed teen mom but made her feel if she was with him at least it justified the children. The family - I feel - have loved that she was a young mom as they have been able to ‘take control’ and talk as though the children are theirs and my partner is often ignored.
It all came to a head at Christmas when my partners ex was invited multiple times to her parents house and I couldnt keep seeing my partner going through this. I explained to
MIL that partner struggled with even his name being mentioned. Eventually they clicked on and acted horrified. Weeks past and nothing changed - he continued to be mentioned, visit and my partner continued to be on edge. It all came out that they ‘blamed themselves’ so rather than do that they decided it was my fault as I had exaggerated, lied and caused drama and none of it was true.
As time has passed we have completely distanced and they have fully embraced this ex dp to the point where they’ve even taken the children on days out with him. He doesnt see the children anymore except on these occasion’s- my partner doesnt know why he has chosen to stop contact. I have had 0 to do with the family since being accused of exaggerating.
The bit that I am finding difficult is my partner keeps running back to her family and isn’t seeing their manipulative side. They will do things deliberately like arrange days out and not tell her ex is there or constantly talk about him and yet my partner doesn’t see that they are continuing to favour him.
It’s really difficult and I’ve very much decided not
to keep discussing the situation with my partner as its her situation to deal with and I will just comfort her. I guess what i’m asking really is how can I learn to not comment especially when I see the manipulation in front of me and can see that long term all this is hurting her as she becomes a completely different person when he is mentioned.
sorry for the long ramble. I just dont want this to keep causing stress between me and my partner and want to protect her but dont know how.