Sexless marriage - leaving with 1 year old?

[Crimea]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married just over 1 with a 13 month old DS who we both adore.

our sex life was good for about a year then suffered as we both had job related stress and basically nosedived after that. So, for the last 3-4 years we have had not much sex, probably not even once a month, more like once every 6-8 weeks. I don’t initiate any more as my self esteem is pretty worn down from many rejections. However my libido only suffered slightly after the birth of DS, I would ideally like to have sex once a week or so when the mood arises. DH has a low sex drive.

Tonight was just one occasion where the circumstances seem right - DS asleep and all quiet after having had a nice day with some family friends and then had a nice heart to heart conversation. He had put had arm round me and said I was pretty but I know from experience not to get hopes up as it so rarely advances from this sort of thing to sex. As expected he didn’t make any move and I just went quiet. He said something about DS and in my head I just thought to myself ‘he’ll be an only child as we will never get round to having sex again’. When this happens I feel so low and rejected. He had to go out and I told him to sleep in the spare room when he comes back so he doesn’t wake me. I just feel angry at him…i feel devastated that this is my life. I’m sure many would think why did I marry him when our sex life was suffering so much. I do really love him and he is my best friend, but I am so sick of basically living as room mates and I have built up a lot of resentment and anger towards him (and he has to me which is why he doesn’t want to have sex with me but this becomes a vicious cycle).

I just can’t get my head around leaving. But I can’t imagine keeping going on like this. Sometimes I tell myself sex isn’t that important and there’s so much more to a relationship.but then I think that actually sex is the glue that holds you together and ours has truly worn thin.

i try to get myself to think seriously about it and all it would mean…sharing custody of DS, eventually having to deal with DH getting a new partner…it’s too surreal to think of as I don’t really want to leave him, but our lack of sex life causes me pain.

We are in therapy for communication issues and we have touched on the intimacy problems but I think we’ve said all we can about it and it’s basically now just a case of accepting it for what it is.

has anyone got any experience or advice? Thanks for reading

@Crimea I couldn’t read and run! After your other commend thought I’d read some other posts on here and it’s heartbreaking how many people seem to be in the same position.

There is so much you’ve said that I can relate to. Just feeling angry, disappointed, sad that this might be my life now forever. I don’t want to leave, have to be a single mum, and you convince yourself that sex isn’t that important. But I agree the feeling of living like room mates just leaves you feeling empty.

i have no advice for you, I so wish I did, but just wanted to let you know you’re seen. The fact you’re in counselling is a great start and I really hope it helps. Really really hope you get some good advice on here and can feel more positive about your future

Sorry but a slightly blunt question, why did you not do anything this evening, even go for a quick snog ?

why did you ask him to sleep in the spare room? , I would be heartbroken if my partner told me to sleep in the spare room?

@MuffledDrum thank you for taking the time to write. It means a lot to feel seen as so often that’s exactly what I’m missing with DH. Sadly it doesn’t look like the therapy is helping much. It’s gutting but after so many conversations about this with him it just looks like this is one thing that won’t change. I really have to ask myself if I can ignore it for another 30+ years.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow i don’t let myself do anything now unless he does. That’s because I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ll ‘start’ something, get excited just to be pushed away. It has previously been physically beyond frustrating…not to be melodramatic but I’ve actually felt it hurts to get arouses and then have to shut it down. So I’d rather not get to that stage by taking a chance.

as for the spare room I suppose it’s just a way of pushing him away. Not very mature but sometimes it just feels ludicrous to even share a bed

it’s incompatible sex drives, which i doubt will change. If you’re really struggling with it the only option would be to separate to allow each of you to find someone who better matches your libidos. Some people do accept things like this and focus on positive parts of the relationship, but I think as you are feeling so much resentment, you need to leave and find happiness with someone else. It’s a cliche, but life really is very short, so you should try and live your best life.

I had this in a previous relationship. I decided I couldn’t live being undesired so I left (I didn’t have kids though). Now with someone who wants to shag very regularly - makes me feel good. Life too short

Has he said what the problem is? Hang in in there with the counselling, lacking communication can really effects all areas in your relationship.

Did you have a traumatic birth or any health issues that may cause him to not want to hurt you? My ex dh avoided contact with me after the birth for quite a while, then got out of the habit which killed it and we didn't get it back, however we also didn't talk about it and just brushed under the carpet.

I can relate to this so bookmarking the post to get advice too.

Was your sex life great at any point?
Have either of you lost or gained a lot of weight?
Is it possible he has an underlying condition - diabetes or depression, that kills sexual function?
You need to be able to talk about it - together and with your counsellor.

If both of you pushing each other away, is it time to call it quits and the both of you look for new relationships

Thank you all for your replies. We do talk about it so I know the reasons - he says it’s sometimes he’s too tired/can’t be bothered/doesn’t fancy it but other times it’s because he resents me for something I’ve said or done. This is a pretty big detail I probably should have explained more in the OP.

one of the reasons we started therapy was because I do have a tendency to let my emotions get the best of me when I have a problem rather than calmly explaining. An example would be during the week, he had said he would help me with something I’ve been needing to do for a long time that requires his help. the day arrives and he spent 2 minutes talking about it with me and then said ‘right all good then?’ As he had other things he needed to get on with. I got quite angry as for me it’s a theme of lacking consideration for me. So I had a bit of a go at him rather than calmly saying how I felt.

Unfortunately we have a bit of a pattern of this sort of thing, which then leads to DH rather understandably not feeling like having sex with me as I’m always having a go at him. The problem is I feel like this is a broken dynamic that can’t be fixed as it’s a vicious cycle - I feel underappreciated so I get upset which then makes him go off me and so on.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow sadly that is what I feel…I know they say anything worth having is hard work but the work it would take on both our parts to fix this just seems immense to me, and I do wonder whether it’s simply a bad fit.

@crispsandnuts no traumatic birth in fact it was a moment that really brought us closer.

@goldfinchonthelawn he is a self-described depressive personality. No weight gain on his part but I have gained a bit since we met, one dress size which I am slowly working on getting off.

he says it’s sometimes he’s too tired/can’t be bothered/doesn’t fancy it
I think these are completely valid reasons for anyone not to have sex, & if you have a 1 year old, probably both tired.
But it does like the communication is killing the sex drive for both of you

It sounds like the intimacy is going, not just the sex? Can you start by agreeing you won't have sex for now but will have time together just kissing and building up the intimacy?
It sounds like you're not great communicators, with the job you needed his help with were you clear with him what exactly you needed him to do? It sounds like you feel like you're not a priority in his life - if that's how you feel have you told him calmly? Have you asked him if he's happy in the relationship and what could make him happier - and calmly told him what you would like? Have you talked about how you can compromise on your sex life if there is an imbalance in sex drives? Could he kiss you and use a vibrator on you for example if you're in the mood and he's not - that way you have the intimacy without him having to have sex.

OP, this won't change. How do you see yourself in 5 years, having more or less sex with your husband? I think once you are i this situation it's very difficult to sort things out.

You have three options:

A) you stay with your husband and accept you're unlikely to have frequent sex for the rest of your life.

B) you stay with your husband and find someone else to meet your sexual needs. This can be with his knowledge, if he's happy with an open relationship, or without.

C) you leave your husband and co-parent with him.

I feel for you - it's a soul-destroying situation.

"sex is the glue that holds you together"

Yes I think that is the case in the majority of LTRs. You are much more likely to stick together when things get rough if you are happy with your sex life. From a male perspective I always feel closer to my DW after sex.
You are in a difficult place and there are no easy options @TR888 has set them out concisely for you.

I’m not sure this is 100% true, but both the OP and partner need to stop withholding sex as way to get back over something, even if they split, both people need to stop modelling this withdrawal/withholding behaviour or the next relationship with fail in the same way.