“I don’t love you anymore, I’m off” …..

[OhHelloFromTheOtherSide]

Ok, so I’m going through a divorce due to my husband of almost 2 decades declaring he didn’t love me anymore / we wanted different things to him months later backtracking and declaring a mental breakdown as an excuse for his horrific and unfeeling behaviour.

To me, the damage was done. Trust and love completely obliterated and my children's lives in turmoil. There was no going back.

Im still trying to process things and feel like I’ve gone through a form of mental torture. It was easier for me to crack on with life in the mindset of knowing he’d fallen out of love with me, but the spin of ‘ I do love you, I don’t know what I was thinking, it’s you who is breaking up the family now, not me’ is bloody horrific.

Not sure what I’m asking for here, just a hand hold and some similar stories to keep me going. When will my confusion and pain end?

My ex dh of 2 decades uttered same words - turns out he was shagging a work colleague and had been for 3 months. He then back tracked and wanted to work on things. That was actually time for her to leave her dh as he didn't want to walk and have nothing. Once she had left her dh he left us at 6 months. Be careful and don't believe a word he says

Sounds like there was another woman, it didn't work out and therefore he returned. Most likely when the affair turned into an actual relationship, it lost all his sparkle.

@Slothmomma thank you for this. I definitely feel that there may have been someone else or he thought he could go and sow his oats and then come back!
I know I’m making the right decision re divorce and his cruelty during this time has been a bit of an eye-opener.
I just wish he hadn’t backtracked and/or I’d found concrete evidence of OW. It just helps with closure I suppose.
Hope you are doing ok now.

I'm on your team, OP. Stay strong.

I knew when I threw my husband out, he'd be asking to come back within a few weeks. When he did, I told him no, because we'd both just spend our time looking for something better.

I think most of them do it. It's not because they really want to come back. They want to do things that benefit themselves (like not have to pay for separate accommodation, or take time to adjust their financial situation to your detriment) and think we should be grateful.

Don't trust him. Tell him to go to hell.

The grass wasn't greener for him. She's probably either refused to leave her H or the mundane move from affair to relationship became dull. He wants to come back rather than be alone. Stand proud OP, divorce him and show you won't be his second choice. Start a new life for yourself and he will then see what he has lost. Good luck xx

@firstmummy2019 so true! My thoughts exactly. Everyone else doesn’t agree agree though, but I can feel it in my gut. I know I’m doing the right thing. Thank you.

@StopStartStop thank you for this. I’m going to be miserable either way, but know that I can build on the misery of being alone and forming a new future. I reckon he’d be happy for a business like relationship with shared bills and holidays. I, on the other hand would rather be skint and less confused, oh and living in peace. X

@OhHelloFromTheOtherSide I think it highly likely there was someone else in the wings but you may never know - my ex denied it had started as an affair for a year - all the time screaming that I was crazy - only to have to admit to it all when I was furnished with all the gory details from another party. Even if your dh hasn't got someone else he would have thought long and hard before saying he didn't love you any more and is only back tracking to make you out to be the bad guy to ease his conscience. I'd lay money on it all coming out down the line though that there is/was ow.

I'm doing ok. It's been a few years now and we get on OK for sake of kids and coparent well. I've obviously been left with trust issues and doubt I'll ever let anyone in completely ever again but I'm ok with that. Hes still with ow but has aged at least a decade and doesn't seem very happy - I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls the same stunt on her shortly - and oh how I will laugh 😆

You’ve said yourself that there is no going back. Picture in your mind what you want and move towards it.
He can’t take back what was said.

Male responder here..

I think you should get your life fully prepared so that you can move forward independently and as soon as possible.

This includes financially, confiding in others and finding wats to give yourself time to do what makes you happy and recover a little.

He will try to come back but this seems entirely 'done' now. Keeping him around will just result in games and a loss of your self esteem.

Theres probably soneone else. All he will want now is money, as much as posdible in his pocket, and not looking like the bad guy. Both elements will give you stress and sadness, so get prepared now, arrange your story and direction, AND STICK TO IT

Good luck...