Do you think someone is an abuser if…

[Luuucyhs]

They are reacting to extreme dysfunction? I just wonder this. I have wonderful friendships and have had loving relationships too. But I’ve almost certainly been ‘abusive’ with two men, shouting, getting angry and swearing for example. When I look back I wonder is that me deep down? But out of everyone I’ve ever interacted with, they were the two that had deep dysfunction going on and I was regularly feeling confused, lost, messed about etc. But… I was still abusive, does it make me an abuser? I’m not sure. Having a day of self reflection waiting for delayed plane ☺️

If those relationships were emotionally abusive it could have been reactive abuse. I'm not dissimilar and have done a fair amount of self reflection myself. I'm trying to learn to spot the signs earlier and step away before it gets to that point. Not easy though! If it helps at all most abusers don't ever self reflect as they always think the other person is in the wrong.

What do you want people to say? If you are an abuser you would be minimising your actions and deflecting blame all the time seeking validation.

A good person would be taking responsibility for their actions and not shifting blame.

Where do you think you are coming from? Someone taking responsibility or deflecting? Even if they were dysfunctional could you have done things differently.

Verbally attacking and intimidating someone is abusive. The fact that the victim is a damaged and dysfunctional person doesn’t make it any better.

If a woman wrote a post saying her husband as doing what you are doing everyone would be calling him emotionally and verbally abusive.

BUT

as a previous person said , is it reactive ?
I was this person and I didn’t like the person I was. Yes if the situation I was in hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have reacted but the harsh reality was I became abusive and I had to change who I was. You need to do work on yourself xxx

Many abusive people behave in abusive ways because of fear - fear of losing control, fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal; fear of what would happen if they don't keep strict control of the situation and the other person; a sense of inferiority or inadequacy...

It's often done to protect themselves at the expense of the emotional, mental and physical wellbeing or freedom of the other person. It's not really about the other person, it's about themselves and making themselves feel safe.

These fears are often rooted in dysfunctional upbringings, poor parenting, low self esteem and abuse.

I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and I can see exactly where it came from on their parts. It doesn't make it ok though.

Healthy people recognise the warning signs and in their own and other's behaviour and then remove themselves from that situation either physically or mentally (through therapy).

This

Totally depends how often it happens to me.

If its often then its not OK, but we are all human and I've certainly had some ding dogs with my husband over the years. But, it's rare and would be during a stressful time for us both.

I think it's more abnormal if you've never had a sweary row tbh.

I think it's more abnormal if you've never had a sweary row tbh.

I disagree with this tbh.

I haven't had a 'sweary row' for over 10 years. Not since I left an emotionally abusive relationship in fact.

@GreyCarpet I just think 2 different people, with different ideas, in times of stress are going to row now and again.

Doesn't make either rone of them abusive in my mind. If it's frequent then it's a different kettle of fish, I'd agree.

Wherever you're at yourself, it's abuse of another person. It's not about you, where you're coming from, why you do it, what your history is, why you might feel you can justify yourself etc.

Put yourself in the victim's shoes, and listen to the phrase 'I only did it because...', and see if it makes the insults/violence/boundary crossing hurt any less.

This isn't about you.

I think it's more abnormal if you've never had a sweary row tbh

I used to think this. Sweary rows aren't demonstrative of two people relating to and respecting each other, though.

This.

I recognised I didn’t like the way I was behaving with an ex. But he was definitely abusive.

I am in a successful marriage now and have never behaved like I did then.

People can bring out the toxic, unhealed parts of you.
you can see it’s inappropriate, you can notice it and say “need to work on that.”

but blaming someone else is inappropriate.

getting yourself out of a situation where you know the unhealed parts of you are triggered is a better move than blameshifting.

it doesn’t make you “an abuser,” it makes you someone who has been abusive at times.

I do not think labeling people “abuser” is helpful,
except in the case of helping someone don those lenses so she or he can see better to get out of a very unhealthy or dangerous relationship.

Agree with @barmycatmum
Self awareness is a positive trait OP.
Abusive behaviour doesnt mean your a "bad person", just that you have unhealthy behaviours to work on. Black and white thinking isn't truthful or useful. You are a complex human. Taking ownership of actions is good.

No one is responsible for what you say and do except you, so yes you are an abuser. But at least you recognise this and can take steps to stop it happening again. Most abusers will not accept any responsibility for their behaviour, so you are half way there.