How much do you want kids? Would you put it above or below having a good relationship?
How bad is your current relationship? Is it abusive, do you feel you’re being controlled, or that you are no longer ‘yourself’? Or is he basically a decent person who is good to you, but the spark has just gone a bit or there is the odd falling out here and there that could maybe be resolved with couples counselling? If the former, he’s probably not a good choice of person to start a family with (take it from me). If the latter, if you have a decent man who you think will be a good father, and you really want a child, then consider staying and working on things.
My story, for what it’s worth: I was still single at 34, and was so lonely and so desperately worried about not meeting someone “in time”, I compromised and ended up in a very difficult, exhausting and even lonelier marriage with a man I knew wasn’t really very good for me.
We did try to have kids together, but after several very traumatic unsuccessful attempts, it became clear we were unable to. That was probably for the best… although I am so, so sad that I am not a mum.
I’m now 42, and I’ve just left DH because I couldn’t cope with his controlling behaviour anymore, and I felt hollow and lonely and unloved, and like a husk. I now have no kids, no partner, and very little money to work with. It doesn’t feel like a good place to be.
I made my choice. It was a bad choice. It didn’t work out. But I felt under so much pressure to settle down and start a family... It really is so difficult when you’re in your mid-30s and you feel like time is running out.
My friend (same age as me, 42) was in a similar position to me. She settled for - and has just had a kid with - a guy who is extremely immature and unsupportive. She got her baby. But she’s having a horrible time, because she’s with this dude who just doesn’t look after her at all and spends most of his time shouting at her because he’s not getting all the attention now the baby’s come along. She’s trying to care for the infant by herself (hard enough as it is), getting by on no sleep, hardly making ends meet, still trying to recover from c-section, while desperately still trying to make the relationship with this loser work. If he was at least a good dad to the baby, and took some responsibility, I think that would have been a reasonably good gamble. But he’s a twunt. But she did get a daughter out of it so maybe in the long run that will make her happy. Who knows.
It’s not too late for you… My advice would be simply to do what you feel is best with the information you have at the time, which really is all any of us can do. I have armed you with some information here. Of course it’s just based on my experience (and my friend’s) but I hope that in some way it might be helpful to you, give you some outcomes to consider.
On a different note, you could consider getting some eggs frozen, as an insurance policy. If you don’t find yourself in a happy, settled relationship in the next few years, you might consider going it alone and using a sperm donor. This is increasingly common. In fact, I’d recommend doing it anyway, because even if you do meet the right person in, say, three or four years, you’ve got eggs that are only 35 years old that you guys can use!
Good luck, whatever path you choose.