How to deal with sadness of being alone with a dc

[AnitaNerry]

My ex has no interest in the baby at all. I’ve asked if he wants to be at the birth or choose a name or organise when we will each spend time with the baby… he literally does not care. He spent the entirety of our relationship banging on about kids and how amazing and wonderful it would be. Half way through he has a total meltdown and drinking all the time, extremely moody and nasty, it was absolutely awful. Yet he’s managed to hold down his Very Important Job. I’ve welcomed him to still share in baby things but he has no interest. I have dealt with the shock but the sadness remains. I’m on my own. There will be no family moments at Christmas, no birthdays to share, no magic together. It is breaking me.

I am quite scared that when the baby comes these feelings will get worse? I want to be angry at him but he has free will doesn’t he… if he doesn’t want to know then he doesn’t want to know. I honestly saw a happy and loving future and I feel that whole family idea has been swept away from me. Instead of looking forward to it I’m worried dc will have problems because he’s not around etc.

Just feeling really low and apprehensive. I do have other support in general but emotionally I’m rock bottom.

Was the child planned? I think you’ve posted about this quite a lot and the sad thing is men find it easier to walk away and not be involved happens all the time, you will be fine many women have been in the same situation but you have to accept he is not interested.

I know this is sad but to be honest it has some advantages over co-parenting with a selfish dad (which he sounds to be) who wants to be involved but only on his own terms. In that case you have to bend over backwards to accommodate his wishes but can't rely on any help should you need it.

@FlyingSaucerss ive not posted before no. Yes we had spoken at length about it as we are not young, he’s even older.

@FavouriteDogMug it seems the only involvement he will have is financial. And not willingly either :(

Oh really there’s someone who keeps posting a lot with an identical story, so the baby was planned or he just spoke about wanting kids in the future? How long was you together

The one you were abusive to and he got done for drink driving? You’ve posted about it multiple times

Sending you a handhold op. He’s a twat. When baby comes you will see that really babies need mum. To be totally honest the only use my DH was to give me some support. Do you have a good friend or family member who can give you some support at that time, maybe come and stay a bit? Baby needs you and won’t miss him. I think the useful bit of a partner at the start is to help you, not really the baby. You’ll be absolutely fine and he is a twat. Is it your first? I had my first about 6 months ago and I wasn’t expecting such a positive life change from it. It took some settling in at the start but its a really lovely joyful experience. I found from about 3 months in became much easier. Maybe you could also look at getting a doula?? Could be just what you need i think. Best of luck to you. I hope you can forget about this arse of a person and enjoy growing your gorgeous baby! xxxx

Definitely read this loads of times, one only a few days ago.

@sjxoxo thank you! I have got a nanny in place three days a week and a friend one day a week. Night nanny once a week. I’m quite scared! It’s nice to hear you’ve found it positive.

@FlyingSaucerss oh I’ve read those. The baby was planned yes. We are older snd he said when it happened that it was supposed to take at least a year at our age. He’s a dick. Im really sad.

Are you/were you married? Do not put his name on the birth certificate if you can avoid it. As crap as this is right now, you will have far more control in the future if he doesn’t have parental authority.

OP - of course you have family moments and memories! You and the baby will be the family.

I grew up with just my mom around (plus extended family) - and of course we had birthdays and Xmases, and laughter and presents, etc. My father’s absence didn’t make my childhood some dark unhappy place. It’s all up to you how you chose to live your life.

I think currently you are emotional and depressed over losing some fantasy of a family you had. But the reality of life with your child will be very different from the dark picture you are paining now. It’s hard for you to see it, but it will be OK.

But, more pressingly - your current state of mind puts you at risk for PND after birth - so PLEASE talk to your GP now and keep an eye over it. It will be hard at the beginning, but will be Ok.

Separately - I think your ex will end up more involved than he currently thinks. Especially given he is older, and this being his only child by the sound of it. He does sound like having a really immature reaction to it all, but will have years to grow up and reconsider.

It's totally understandable that you're sad, but of course there will be wonderful birthday and Christmas moments to share - between you and your child!

@Fairislefandango thank you. @MMmomDD thanks. It’s hard to see the bigger picture. My dad said the same regarding his age, but then my mum thinks the opposite… the fact he’s in his forties with no other kids suggests he’s just really not arsed.

I guess a big concern is will I be wanting to reach out to him to share special moments. I hope not.

Once you have your child - the special moments will be yours and your family’s.
Your focus will be the baby, not the biological father.
You really won’t be sitting around thinking about him - you’ll be too busy with your life.
Plus - you may also be dating. Who knows how your life will turn out….

Its great you have your parents around, so will have help - plus extended family.

Your idea of ‘special moments’ - is more of a Hallmark thing. In reality - life isn’t a collection of snapshots. Life with a child is an everyday sort of thing where you will be tired and needed by a tiny human being, 24/7. It’s fulfilling and all consuming.

I just didn’t want to do any of it alone

Well you can’t make him want to be there if he doesn’t want to and honestly I prefer having my kids for Xmas and birthdays many woman have no choice but to send the kids to the dads for Xmas and birthdays as it’s court ordered that they have to and end up missing their children’s birthdays and xmases so it could be worse.

I get it. But what worse for me was the first almost 3 years of my sons life with a dad who was here but distant and not giving a single shit. 3 months before DS turned 3 we split. I dreaded his birthday but it was wonderful. I do find myself dreaming about how it should/could of been but those moments don't last long. I've found being around family and friends really helps, I feel less alone. And it's nice to see DS being appreciated by others too.
It's not ideal but it's not the worst either.
Reach out for support if you ever need to. Don't shy away.
Best of luck with everything ❤️

@AnitaNerry - this is the thing, though. Once you have a child - you’ll never be ‘alone’ anymore.
Also - just imagine years of not having arguments over what you are doing with the child, how you are keeping your home and how you are raising them.
There are so many unhappy ‘families’ with two parents out there.

Your ex may or may not come around. My guess is that he will express interest at some point - even my alcoholic father did at times. Also - in your place I’d also keep his parents informed - the second set of grandparents will be great for the kid.

But for now - you need to pull yourself out of this self pitying place and focus on the future. Please - do talk to your GP.