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Original poster

Is it worth calling him out, or just block/delete?

50 replies

bamboo1234 · 20/08/2022 11:20

we dated last year but things ended because of big lifestyle differences, mainly involving our jobs - he had to travel loads for work and it made it difficult for us to see each other regularly. He got back in touch with me earlier this year in January, spoke about wanting us to start seeing each other again, and explained he was travelling less for work now.

we started seeing each other and agreed to be exclusive; but after a few months he started going hot and cold on me at random. I tried to discuss this with him, he turned it onto me and tried to make out I was being intense and needy for expecting consistency. Eventually he apologised and I thought we’d moved on from it.

he has gone cold again now, after we spent a lovely weekend together. Just radio silence, ignoring me completely for days on end, and being really abrupt and unfriendly when we do speak.

I know it’s over, but I’m debating if it’s worth calling him out before I block and delete. I’m feeling quite annoyed about it and would probably feel momentarily better if I tell him he’s an arse, but I’m not sure if it’s a better idea to just delete him and not bother with a discussion.

WWYD?

thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Droo · 20/08/2022 14:09

He’ll gaslight you anyway no matter what you say. He seems the type who loves to play games to push people to react.

Block and delete. That’ll piss him off more than anything else you can do.

coleslawsuzy · 20/08/2022 14:14

My emotionally abusive ex would do this all the time. Particularly after us having a really lovely weekend/day out. It's exhausting and leaves you constantly on edge and questioning your own behaviour. Also, if it is an indicator of narcissism, it's something that will never stop, regardless of how many times you pull them up on it. Definitely recommend that you block and move on, but I also know it's not always that easy - be aware there's a strong chance of you do this, he'll then start trying to reel you in again with attention and niceties. And so the process begins again. If possible, try to ignore those bits because they never last! Good luck!

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 20/08/2022 14:29

I’d be tempted to leave it and as soon as he inevitably gets in touch, tell him he’s too needy and you don’t think its going to work out, then block Grin Play him at his own game. Or just block. Certainly don’t tell him that he’s hurt you - he doesn’t care.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 20/08/2022 14:33

In the words of Self Esteem:
..."Don't send those long paragraph texts.
Stop it. Don't."

caulescens · 20/08/2022 14:41

I would do nothing - don't contact him or block & delete.

If he contacts you - then I would end it as succinctly as possible and wish him well for the future. Then delete, and if needed block.

Watchkeys · 20/08/2022 17:42

@YoSofi

It’s not about whether they give a fuck or not, why shouldn’t women call out bad behaviour

To save their energy for things worth caring about.

Part of the problem is that nobody ever stands up to dicks like that

The best way to stand up to someone who doesn't care what you feel is to walk away. If everybody did that, 'dicks like that' would end up all alone.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 20/08/2022 18:04

Block, delete, flush.

Don't waste mental energy on dysfunctional people.

firstmummy2019 · 20/08/2022 18:05

I wouldn't even block him. Shows you care. Just don't contact him. If he does go contact you eventually, say that you have moved on and wish him all the best.

FlyingSaucerss · 20/08/2022 18:14

I would block, sends a message that he can’t come back. Rather than him thinking it’s still open.

lamaze1 · 20/08/2022 18:17

You'll just end up more infuriated if you initiate contact and the cycle will likely restart. Block and move on.

Sarahcoggles · 20/08/2022 18:20

I'd call him out on it.
I remember years ago being cheated on multiple times by a boyfriend.
I took great pleasure in watching him crumple when I asked what was wrong with him, what made him able to hurt someone who he was meant to care about.
He called me loads of times in the following days, not begging me to go back, but desperate for me to tell him he wasn't a bad person after all. I never answered, just listened to his pathetic messages.
I like to think that he may have reflected in his behaviour slightly. And it made me feel better to know he was hurting too. He'd really broken my heart and destroyed my trust.

FlyingSaucerss · 20/08/2022 18:20

If you leave him unblocked as well you will probably sit there waiting for him to contact which isn’t healthy that’s why blocking is best, it’s final.

Original poster
bamboo1234 · 21/08/2022 08:42

Thanks for all the replies. I can relate to a poster who mentioned having the knot in their stomach while being involved with someone like this - it’s really awful! Like walking on eggshells all the time.

Low and behold he hasn’t reached out to me and our last conversation ended a couple of days ago, with him leaving me on read. He is out and about on social media, so not so busy that he’d be unable to stay in touch.

I think a dignified silence is probably the best approach for me to take - if I hadn’t already spoken to him about it, I would make an attempt to do so, but since I’ve already done that I’m not sure if there’s any point in repeating the same conversation. I already know the outcome won’t be good and nothing will change.

I agree with posters who’ve mentioned that if I don’t block/remove him I will probably be waiting around for him to contact me, which isn’t a particularly nice feeling. I think I’ll leave it for now, if he contacts me I’ll tell him I’m no longer interested, if I don’t hear from him at all then I’ll block him at some point just to make sure that door stays shut and he doesn’t try and come back into my life somewhere down the line.

thanks again for all the replies!

OP posts:
Original poster
bamboo1234 · 21/08/2022 08:44

coleslawsuzy · 20/08/2022 14:14

My emotionally abusive ex would do this all the time. Particularly after us having a really lovely weekend/day out. It's exhausting and leaves you constantly on edge and questioning your own behaviour. Also, if it is an indicator of narcissism, it's something that will never stop, regardless of how many times you pull them up on it. Definitely recommend that you block and move on, but I also know it's not always that easy - be aware there's a strong chance of you do this, he'll then start trying to reel you in again with attention and niceties. And so the process begins again. If possible, try to ignore those bits because they never last! Good luck!

This is exactly what it was like! Sorry that you went through that, it’s really unpleasant. We would have a lovely day/weekend/evening together, then he would suddenly pull the rug and I would be left wondering what was going on. It feels a bit like a power game to me.

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 21/08/2022 09:16

@bamboo1234 - agree with many other posters a roller coaster relationship is not what anyone wants or deserves.

As a bloke looking at his behaviour patterns I have a reasonable suspicion he has another woman he strings along as well.

PylaSheight · 21/08/2022 10:30

I also agree with both @Aquamarine1029 and @YoSofi. Personally I would block him ASAP but before doing so would give him a piece of my mind, tell him how pathetic he is and how he can fuck off. Not that I'd expect him to care, that's not why I'd do it, but just so I could offload. I'd more likely regret not having taken the opportunity to tell him he's a twat than regret doing so, so that's the deciding factor for me. It would make me feel better, but if you're someone who can move on without telling people their behaviour is shit then just silently block him ASAP.

CoastalWave · 21/08/2022 10:34

Nah. I would have to get my own back. Leave him to it, when he comes back (which he will) go along with it, let him book somewhere for dinner or drinks or something and then stand him up.

Absolutely NO point at all sending any kind of 'you're hurting me' message - he truly won't give a flying fuck.

Bottom line - he's just not that into you (read the book if you haven't already seen the film!)

Original poster
bamboo1234 · 22/08/2022 11:37

PylaSheight · 21/08/2022 10:30

I also agree with both @Aquamarine1029 and @YoSofi. Personally I would block him ASAP but before doing so would give him a piece of my mind, tell him how pathetic he is and how he can fuck off. Not that I'd expect him to care, that's not why I'd do it, but just so I could offload. I'd more likely regret not having taken the opportunity to tell him he's a twat than regret doing so, so that's the deciding factor for me. It would make me feel better, but if you're someone who can move on without telling people their behaviour is shit then just silently block him ASAP.

yes this is my only temptation, getting it off my chest and letting him know he’s a nasty piece of work. I haven’t heard from him at all since posting, so things are definitely over but I feel quite irritated that he didn’t have the balls to end things or be vocal about the fact he was less interested in us continuing. It’s plain nasty and completely disrespectful

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 12:50

getting it off my chest and letting him know he’s a nasty piece of work

But he doesn't care what you say or feel. That's the problem. So saying to him how you feel now will be the same as when you've told him how you feel before. He'll either make you feel shit by ignoring you, or make you feel shit by turning it around on you. That's his style; he's shown you. Learn from it.

Thelnebriati · 22/08/2022 13:17

I think he may have been trying to hoover you back but he isn't very good at it. Don't let him know how you feel, it would only benefit him to know he got to you.

lobsterkiller · 22/08/2022 13:47

Sadly been there and done that. It is a bloody awful feeling and I agree with previous posters; silence is loud. You can call it out but he will know he has wound you up, I'm not much of a blocker but I am big on deleting and ignoring. Sends the same message. I hope you are feeling better about this soon.

twoqueens · 22/08/2022 23:14

I've been in the same situation.

You've told him once how his behaviour makes you feel - he doesn't give a shit and he's obviously not capable or not interested in a healthy relationship with you.

I don't tend to block anyone unless I consider them dangerous or nasty, I just archive the chat in WhatsApp (if that's what your using) and move on.

He doesn't sound very good quality, there will be lots better than him out there.

JustKittenAround · 23/08/2022 04:01

He doesn’t show up for you. End of story.

ghost his ass. It’ll be hard. My goodness it’ll be hard, but you know he doesn’t value you. If he did then he’d show up for you and he’d care. He doesn’t.

no reflection on you btw. This is a certain type of person.

block him and keep strong. Message me if you need videos or whatever to keep strong. You can’t trust him …. he has his second chance and blew it.

It is a tough place but I promise it’s better to just ghost this low effort waste of time. He won’t care at all about what you say, he has already shown your feelings mean nothing.

Be the one who got away.

supercali77 · 23/08/2022 06:11

I had this with someone a few years ago. In the end I didnt block and delete, I just didn't say a word. He messaged me a week later. A fortnight later. A month later. Called me. Increasingly desperate. All of it, read, and ignored. I wouldnt take that tack with anyone but these kinds of people, the reason it works is they're all validation junkies. Assuming you're just hanging on for a crumb. It throws them for a loop when you do precisely the same thing back at them.

Trust me. He will be in touch, and if you can manage it, I wouldnt reply. Ever.

SortingItOut · 23/08/2022 06:16

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
It will help you understand why you went for men like him.

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