Does anybody else feel bullied by Ex??

[pricklybells]

I feel like I am being bullied by my ex DH and his wife. We split up just over 3 years ago when I found out he was having an affair with his now wife.

He married 'her' in April last year and I remarried in September last year. Great we've all moved on with our lives or so you would think.

I feel that they go out of their way to make my life a living hell. I'll give you a few examples of what they're like but obviously if I write everything I'll be here for the next week.

Ex and I have a DD and DS together and they were not invited to their wedding which really upset DD. When my wedding came around I asked ex if he could have the children on the night of our wedding (Saturday), the Sunday night and take them to school on Monday as Dh and I were staying at the hotel again on the Sunday night as we weren't going on honeymoon straight away. He agreed and it was said then that it would be his mum who would drop the kids off at his house ( I'm still friends with his family and they came to my wedding).

On the Monday at 7.30am I had a call from ex to say that DS was really ill, had the runs and had been up all night going to the toilet so couldn't go to pre-school. He dropped ds round to his mums and Dh and I raced back from hotel to fetch him and when we arrived it became apparent that there was absolutely nothing wrong with ds. Ex's mum was also really upset because she had had a call from ex at our wedding saying that she was bringing the children back to him too late in the evening and they would be too tired the next day and that his family and friends were all disloyal for coming to our wedding and she was to get back into my wedding and tell me how unhappy he was with me!!(obviously she didn't). When she dropped the kids off after our wedding ex's wife came to the door not him and snatched a sleeping ds out of his uncles arms and slammed the door in his face!

My kids go to stay with thier father every other weekend and also one night in the week. One week its a Tues and the other is a Thurs, when I suggested that it would be easier if it was the same night each week that was quickly dismissed with a million reasons why it wouldn't suit them, yet they are quite happy to turn around and say that they can't have kids this week because.........or they can't have them this week-end so they'll have them the next two week-ends in a row instead. If I object they just make my life hell.

The latest thing is that for the last 2 years they have taken the kids away for 2 weeks in the summer (its actually 16 nights). The first time they went away it was horrible, I just moped around for 2 two weeks because I missed them so much. Ex and I then agreed that he could take them for 1 week in the summer and for 1 week another time in the year not only because I found it too long but because the summer is the busiest times for my work and my dh's work so we cannot get time off so it doesn't really benefit us. Then it was announced by ex that last years summer holiday would be for two weeks and when i objected I was told there was nothing I could do because it was already booked.

Now I have had a note written by 'her' telling me that the summer holiday will be fom this date to that date (2 weeks).

What do you think about this? Should I just let them go for two weeks to save hassle and arguments? It just pisses me off that the kids live with me and dh, yet we always have to fit in with what ex and his wife want to do, surely it should be the other way round? And do you think it's asking too much for him to come and ask me 'is it ok if we take the kids......' instead of being told in a note written by his wife?

Pleeeease help!!!!

Anyone got any advice??

Is a bit of a cheek being told about holiday and not asked especially after you and your ex had agreed to two seperate weeks.

You need to put your foot down.

I understand why you missed the kids for those 2 weeks, but setting your own feelings to one side, do you think the kids would be happier with one or two weeks?

(The stuff about the wedding, I'd try & let it be water under the bridge. )

I presume that there isn't a residence or contact order in place, in which case you can of course refuse holidays if you feel v. strongly.

If your ex makes an application to court for a defined contact order, the court will decide how often and when contact takes place and what sort of holiday/Christmas contact your ex gets. Otherwise, you may want to think about going to your local family mediation service. That's by far the cheapest option if both of you are prepared to go for it.

god, they sound so awful. my sympathies.

so they make life very difficult for you. i'd try and put aside my feelings, hard as it is, and focus on what you can actually accommodate and what is good for the kids. then fight about the stuff that is no good for you. don't fight out of principle, because you may just end up shooting yourself in the foot.

these people are low-lifes. try telling yourself that they have major isshoos and you pity them their lives. thank god you act like a decent, normal human being. that is the most important thing.

I know I should have really put my foot down last year but the pair of them always cleverly seem to be one step ahead of me. They had basically been getting the kids really excited about the holiday for weeks before it was even mention to me, so if I'd then turned around and said that they couldn't go then I would have looked like the big bad wolf, even though ex should've asked me before they told the kids.

Forgot to mention before that ex had asked two of our mutual friends not to come to my wedding, so they didn't just to keep the piece. Is that pathetic and childish or what?

I just don't see the need for any of this hostility. They were the ones that had the affair but I don't hold a grudge against them, I've moved on and am happy with my life. After more than 3 years of this it's just so draining. I think I let them get away with whatever they like because I feel like I've got no more fight left in me.

Maybe mediation would be a good next step. I don't feel able to carry on like this with them ruling everything to do with the kids, with no reasoning or compromise on their part.

My DH has even lost money from having to cancel jobs because the kids have needed picking up from school when they've decided they can't have them at the last minute.

tbh I think you are overreacting a little.

try to put YOUR needs a side and think of the dc's. Hard I know, but they need their dad too and two weeks really IS much better than one for the kids and your exH - I know what I would want if it were MY children.

think mediation is a good idea

I had exactly the same with my ex - got an email saying he had booked a holiday which would have involved missing school.

I said no.

He moaned, ranted and raved then changed the dates.

If you agree with everything they do then they are going to carry on making arrangements then telling you.

I agree to let them do things because if I dare to disagree I get nasty text messages or shouted at down the phone.

I'm not really a strong enough person to be able to stand up to people. I hate conflict.

I would never not want my children to go on holiday with their father, it's not about that and I have never and would never try to stop him from seeing them.

I just think that there should be some give and take from both of us but it's always me giving and him taking. He will not compromise yet I have to otherwise all hell lets loose.

Ex had kids on boxing day for 3 nights and announced when he brought them back that he was having them the following weekend aswell. It didn't go down well when I disagreed because it wasn't his weekend to have the kids, it was ours. Was this wrong? Surely I can't be expected to chop and change our routine just to fit in with his life?

OK, you are being bullied. That isn't a good way for your children to see you treated.

Next time they shout at you just say calmly "I am putting the phone down now. When you are ready to stop shouting call me back."

Ignore any rude texts or emails.

Keep to the routine. If they want a change they need to learn to ask nicely for it.

I would say you need to seek a contact order because they are messing you around, cancelling at the last minute etc. Or if they do then you can go back to court to have the contact order revised because they keep not fulfilling it IYSWIM. YOu have tried to do these amicably but they are taking the piss so a formal agreement would probably at least let you know where you stand week by week.

I do not think they should have to fit in with your plans any more then you should have to fit in with theirs. The care is split wat 60/40 they are very involved with the dc which is good for your dc and I think it's good that they want to take them away for a 2 week holiday - why shouldn't they.

Their attitude about your wedding etc is disgusting and immature but continue to rise above it.

Our legal arrangement is that he has the kids every other week-end and once during the week for 2 hours (ie for dinner). They actually go there overnight now during the week because we moved and it would've been nearly an hours drive there and back for ex and it obviously would've been more driving time than quality time for dc's with their father. We have since moved again and it's now a 15 min round trip but they still stay overnight regardless.

I agree that no one should have to fit in with anyone else because if the arrangements were stuck to then everyone would know where they were at and what they were doing. I do however feel that they have to fit in with us if they decide at the last minute that they are going to try to change the routine. Why should we have to change our plans for them when they can't stick to the agreement?

I also agree that there is nothing wrong with ex wanting to take them on holiday but being told in a note on a scrap of paper is not acceptable.

tbh, i think you have to make a stand, whether you like conflict or not. until you do, they will continue bullying you. once you make a stand, and absolutely don't budge, i suspect you'll have a much easier time.

I think it would be reasonable for you to say that you expect them to keep to the access arrangements as they've been laid down except in extreme circumstances (i.e. not very often) and only if they discuss (ask?) it with you first. Say you're not intending to be unhelpful, but the constant chopping and changing is difficult for you and the kids. Then retreat for a few days while the dust settles, ignore the ranting and nasty texts, and keep repeating your message calmly until they get hear it. You might also want to let it be known that you'd prefer to discuss your children with their father, not her, but that might provoke an unnecessary row. I agree, they are bullying you. You can let them...... or make a calm, reasonable stand.

I do think you have grounds to get the original agreement amended. To say it is going to be x night of the week and that weekend alternations are only to be changed by agreement in writing with so much notice. Also I think it is quite common for the holiday dates to be agreed absolutely like they always have the first 2, middle 2 or last 2 weeks of the holiday.

I can see why you are so fed up of it all and I think perhaps changing the existing arrangements may be the way to stop it happening If there is an emergency and they can't collect the dc from school etc that is their problem to sort out emergency cover not yours perhaps this also needs to be stipulated in writing.

Thanks for everyone's comments and help. I have decided and discussed with dh and he agree's that I am going to ask ex to come to our house when he drops the kids off on Sunday (he usually pulls up outside in the car and doesn't get out) so we can have a chat.

I'm going to say to him that I do not like being told about the holiday in a note and in future he must come and discuss it with me first. I am also going to point out to him that in future I am not prepared to chop and change the arrangements with regards to dc's and that he must give me plenty of notice if it is really necessary to change them. (Except emergencies of course).

If he starts his usual ranting at me I shall just politely ask him to leave.

I'm gonna stand up to him even if I have to have a glass of wine beforehand for a bit of dutch courage!!

perhaps you also state that if he is unable to be reasonable about it all then it will have to go through the courts and then it will inflexible full stop and cost him money.

I hope it goes well.

excellent plan.

please let us know how it pans out.

ok will keep you posted. Thanks again.