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Original poster

Friend suffering with severe mental health problems coming to stay - what do I do?

38 replies

inventinghannah · 20/08/2022 00:57

This post contains some discussion on mental health problems, please don't read if you will find that triggering.

I'm not sure if anyone is around at this time or if this is the right place to be posting but I don't know what else to do.

Apologies if any of my language below is incorrect, it's not my intention to offend anyone.

A friend of mine has been suffering from mental health issues for a while. Multiple suicide attempts over the last few years and has been sectioned under the mental health act a few times. I feel awful for saying this but I tried to remove myself from the situation, it was getting too much for me to handle and in the past, when she's suffered with depression and confided in me, it's really brought me down too (at one point I didn't leave my bed for days) so I stepped back to protect myself. I also never know what to say to her, what I can do or how I can help. My friend has other friends who are far better equipped to help and support her than I am.

I had a call from her this morning to say that she was in hospital again after telling a mental health worker that she has been contemplating overdosing. Said she had gone as far as buying the pills but never took them. She asked if she can stay with me for 1-2 weeks. She lives alone and the doctors have said she needs to be around someone for them to agree to discharge her. I have since had a doctor call to confirm this, note down my details and have me assure them I will call the police if my friend never shows up or goes missing.

I'm happy for her to stay and I want to help but to be honest, I'm terrified. Mostly that something will happen when she's here and I won't know what to do. But also just generally, I have no clue how I should act around her.

I'm completely overwhelmed. Any words of advice are very gratefully received xx

OP posts:
Carnivalisreallyover · 20/08/2022 07:45

This is far too much responsibility for one unqualified person to take on. If there were other people living in the house then maybe ok.
But you would be worrying all the time about her and if she did attempt anything you would feel horribly bad.
You’re a good friend to care so much . Wish all the world were as kind as you.

Original poster
inventinghannah · 20/08/2022 10:50

Wow thank you all for the responses and for putting up with my late night ramblings!

I called the hospital this morning and let them know my concerns. I outright asked if they thought it was either a) being there for a friend, or b) a constant suicide watch. I’m happy to do the former but the latter is outside my capabilities. Their opinion is that she’s not a major risk anymore but they obviously can’t be certain. I also told them she can stay for up to a week but beyond that, it won’t really work as I have to go into the office for work and just live my own life.

We agreed that she would stay with me from this evening. They have scheduled an appointment for her for first thing Monday, for her benefit mostly but they said it’s also a chance for me to speak up if I’m uncomfortable. They will use the appointment as an easy way out for me if needed (i.e. they’ll tell her they don’t think she’s in a position to come back to mine) so I don’t have the guilt of having to tell her directly.

I’ve also spoken to a mutual friend who lives relatively near. She is coming round for a girls night this evening, staying over and then we’ll find some kind of activity to do tomorrow. Basically just so it won’t be me and suicidal friend sat at home all day.

I feel a lot better now there is more of a plan. I’m hoping this goes well but if not, I’ve now prepared myself for the idea of saying she can’t stay past the weekend or even calling hospital sooner if it’s really bad.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 20/08/2022 10:53

goldfinchonthelawn · 20/08/2022 07:19

I have been in your position so I will be very blunt:

Medics are trying to palm a very sick person off onto a member of the community who is not even her family.

You need to do as @Xiaoxiong says. Call the medical team and tell them you cannot take on this responsibility. It is beyond your skill set. Write a note to your friend and tell her you love her and are deeply concerned for her, so it was a difficult decision but right now you know she is safest under medical care. You are not experienced in coping with her illness in this critical state and it could be disastrous for both of you if you attemtped to. The responsibility is too great. You will visit her often and check in by text or phone every day.

That's it. Medics should be ashamed of themselves trying to offload severely ill and dangerous patients onto absolutely unprepared members of the public who could end up with a crisis on their hands which will traumatise them for life.

I was a very people-pleasing put upon person in my twenties. Very bullied and controlled by my ill friend, But even I found enough spine at the last moment to say: No I cannot be responsible for her. And I'm bloody glad I did.

Show quote history

Please do this, a family member was put I a similar position and it did not end well

ParsleyPesto · 20/08/2022 22:56

Brilliant response from the hospital. Plans can be everything!

All the best to you and your friend x

Allmarbleslost · 20/08/2022 23:12

I would call them ba k and say no. It isn't your job to keep this woman alive.

wellhelloitsme · 21/08/2022 13:14

That's a fantastic response and plan from the hospital OP, I'm so pleased they're being realistic and taking your mental health into account too Flowers

Bellyups · 21/08/2022 13:16

Look after yourself op x

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 13:22

goldfinchonthelawn · 20/08/2022 07:19

I have been in your position so I will be very blunt:

Medics are trying to palm a very sick person off onto a member of the community who is not even her family.

You need to do as @Xiaoxiong says. Call the medical team and tell them you cannot take on this responsibility. It is beyond your skill set. Write a note to your friend and tell her you love her and are deeply concerned for her, so it was a difficult decision but right now you know she is safest under medical care. You are not experienced in coping with her illness in this critical state and it could be disastrous for both of you if you attemtped to. The responsibility is too great. You will visit her often and check in by text or phone every day.

That's it. Medics should be ashamed of themselves trying to offload severely ill and dangerous patients onto absolutely unprepared members of the public who could end up with a crisis on their hands which will traumatise them for life.

I was a very people-pleasing put upon person in my twenties. Very bullied and controlled by my ill friend, But even I found enough spine at the last moment to say: No I cannot be responsible for her. And I'm bloody glad I did.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

That doctor is a disgrace.

OP,
You are not strong enough for this.

She should not be left alone at all.

How are YOU going to manage this?

If this goes pear shaped who is going to look after YOU.

Do NOT do this.

Ring the hospital and say NO CAN DO.

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 13:24

Xiaoxiong · 20/08/2022 01:30

You call the doctor straight back and say you have changed your mind and you aren't up for being on suicide watch for your friend in your own home!! And a vague 1-2 weeks sounds ominously open ended. What if in 2 weeks she is no better? Does she stay forever?

Honestly - you aren't happy to have her stay, not in the state she's in at the moment. Call back and tell them you can't do it.

This!
What are you thinking? Hmm

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 13:25

Somehow missed that last post.

Please take great care of yourself.

You are very vulnerable yourself and this responsibility is enormous.

Original poster
inventinghannah · 22/08/2022 16:52

Hi everyone, just coming back on to say that things went a lot better than expected.

My friend very much just needed someone to be around and we actually had a nice few days catching up. It felt like a typical girls weekend rather than anything else (although of course the circumstances were very different). I was quite shocked to see her doing as well as she was. I was expecting a lot worse given the calls with hospitals etc.

She's left now as her sister flew in (lives abroad) and will be staying with her. I've told her to call me if she needs anything but to be honest, I am glad to not have her in my home anymore.

Thank you for all the support

OP posts:
Trainham · 22/08/2022 17:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

cannypants · 22/08/2022 19:11

@inventinghannah so pleased to hear it went well. You're a fabulous friend x

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