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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Daughters ex

5 replies

cowberry · 19/08/2022 21:33

My late teen daughter had a long term boyfriend who she finished with last year. All had looked normal and we got to know him quite well. When it started to go wrong it became apparent just how controlling he was being, paranoid and generally quite disturbing. Things escalated and I became involved as did his parents.

After they split he continued to try and contact her. It ended up with me reading the riot act to him in front of his father with the threat of police involvement . Since then it's been fairly quiet, occasionally she'll have a random friend request but she doesn't engage with him at all. It's been over a year since they split

Today she told me, when they were together, he had held a pillow over her face and tried to smother her. He had apparently hit a previous gf too who had reported to police at the time but had not pursued action.

I knew he had disturbing tendencies before now but had no inkling he had been violent.

What would you do? Would you speak to his parents? He still lives at home so far as I know. Clearly the boy/man is a risk. She doesn't want to go to police but put the whole relationship behind her. He is 21.

OP posts:
Username1708 · 19/08/2022 22:26

This is a tough one as you obviously don't want to force your daughter to go to the police, and drag her back into this again.
On the other hand, this young man is clearly abusive and that pattern will continue unless stopped.

How well do you know his parents? Do they live nearby? Is there a risk that he would try to hurt your daughter if you told his parents what he'd done?

cowberry · 19/08/2022 22:34

Parents weren't terribly helpful with the harassment issue. They didn't really know what to do (although acknowledged he was very much in the wrong). I'm pretty sure if it were my son I'd have been more forthright in my approach.

I've not had contact with them since then - we only knew each other through the kids relationship

Whilst I clearly don't want to do anything that puts him back in contact with my daughter I also don't want him to do anything similar or worse to anyone else

OP posts:
titchy · 19/08/2022 22:38

Tricky. Why did she tell you? I wonder whether part of her wants you to make a decision? Could you contact his parents? Would she agree to talk to the police to report, if you said you thought it was a good idea?

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2022 22:40

So, sorry. I am afraid I cannot advise but maybe a first step is to see if she will go to a victim support group to help her and get advice from them about a next step.

cowberry · 19/08/2022 22:46

We were just chatting whilst walking the dog. Talking about relationships in general. She mentioned she'd bumped into his ex recently (the relationship he was in before he met DD) who had disclosed that he'd hit whilst they were together and she'd reported it to the police but they'd got back together and the matter hadn't been pursued.

I don't think she'd want to make a formal statement but I'm wondering if, given there may be a prior report of DV against him, the parents might do something? I would want to know if it were my son

I do wish I'd reported the little shit for harassment a year ago but I didn't know quite how bad things had been

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