Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Dating a single dad. Is this what it's like?

24 replies

lighterthenordinarychocolate · 19/08/2022 13:31

I've been dating a lovely man for about 6 months now. Whenever we see each other we have a really good time, however I'm feeling a bit unsettled.

We seem to be averaging a date every 2-3 weeks. We are in constant daily contact and do have the odd phone call in between but I'm getting a bit frustrated as we can only seem to align calendars every 2-3 weeks.

He sees his kids a lot, which is a big green flag, but I'm finding it difficult (and frankly a bit boring) in keeping up the communication for weeks in between dates. I have said that I'd like to see each other once a week which he's agreed to but due to school holidays it's not happened yet.

I have children if my own and they see their own dad regularly so I have plenty of free time.

I don't intend to introduce the kids for a good while yet.

Is this how dating a single dad is? Should I just accept it or push for 1 x a week or more?

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 19/08/2022 13:33

How often does he see his kids then? Because in theory if he has them 50% then he has 50% of his time for other things, including you??

Or is it that when he is free, you have your kids and it just isn't marrying up?

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 19/08/2022 13:33

Is he doing the parenting on his own or does his ex have their DC some of the time? If the latter, what's the split of time?

CorpusCallosum · 19/08/2022 13:44

If he's a single dad then there is no one else to take his kids unless he arranges childcare, so what do you expect him to do? Or is he just a 'dad' and kids are actually going to their mother some of the time?

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 14:01

That isn’t just single dads is it, I have my kids full time so can’t date at all, some single dads won’t see their kids much some will see them a lot this is why I don’t date as I know no one will be interested in seeing someone so little I personally couldn’t be bothered to date someone I only see every 2/3 weeks, is he the RP?

FlyingSaucerss · 19/08/2022 14:03

Just to add a lot of single dads actually see their kids less than the mum as most are the NRP and only see their kids eow the vast majority of RP are women so no it’s not a “single dad” thing, I’m guessing he is one of the rare RP dads

mooshypooshy · 19/08/2022 14:04

This is how dating this man is.

Whatever the reason for it, whether he's a full time single dad or a 50/50 or eow dad, he has shown you what dating him is like.
It's up to you whether you want to continue like this.

Naunet · 19/08/2022 14:04

So his kids don’t live with him, but he sees them a lot, so much that he has less availability than you, a parent who has her kids living with her?
Sorry, but I have to ask, are you sure he’s single?

Naunet · 19/08/2022 14:06

CorpusCallosum · 19/08/2022 13:44

Op says he sees his kids a lot. That would imply they don’t live with him, or he at least shares custody…

Mumofnarnia · 19/08/2022 14:10

I am a single mum and can only meet up with my bf every 2-3 weeks. Even worse not it’s the summer holidays. Yes they do see their dad but only once every 2 weeks and yes they do have grandparents who can look after them but my kids don’t like being away from home and it’s not fair to keep handing my kids over to their grandparents every couple of days to go gallivanting off dating. Unfortunately everybody’s circumstances are different.
Also does he work? Have hobbies? If he does then that means probably he won’t be available as much as you’d like him to unfortunately.

Namechange85 · 19/08/2022 14:18

OP I could have written this post myself!
Except I've only been seeing the guy 3 months, I've only seen him in person once every 3 weeks since we met at the start of June.

I too am beginning to feel a little unsettled, as I really like him and am beginning to feel I want more time with him. You are right, the daily messages get a bit stale/boring although I do love it when he messages.

He has his kids 50/50, works terrible shifts and also has an active social life with his mates. He had planned weekends away with either kids or mates throughout the summer before we met.

I have my DD 99.9% of the time and also have an active social life.

I am going to see how things go after the school holidays, but at this stage I am worried about beginning to fall for a man who I know in reality I won't be able to see as frequently as I would like going forward.

Good luck I hope you manage to work a way around it!

Onlyforcake · 19/08/2022 14:38

The holidays are a tough time and even non RP parents might be covering larger chunks of time because external childcare is poor/ expensive etc.

I'd give it till term time and things settle to judge if he's made a change.

Onlyforcake · 19/08/2022 14:39

Oh. You already have. Great. Hope it works out! Good luck

Whatwouldscullydo · 19/08/2022 14:54

Naunet · 19/08/2022 14:04

This would be my first thought too tbh

I'm sure depending on day time availability ( I work evenings ) this is what dating me would be like for the single dad should I ever date one, on account of being the resident parent and working erratic shift patterns but if he doesn't have any of those issues I'd be a bit suspicious.

Well I did date a man with kids one. He never hd time to see me due to " work"

Seemed it was virtually 24/7.

Looking back there was clearly more too it. Probably visiting the ex or something

Casper10 · 19/08/2022 15:03

I'm a non resident Dad and have my kids eow with extra time in holiday.

About once a week is usually fine. Sometimes it's more like once every two weeks.

With working full time it's a lot harder than it may appear on the face of it.

Blossomandbee · 19/08/2022 15:19

Are you sure he's single?

ForgottenWhyImHere · 19/08/2022 15:20

I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex and my BF is the RP for his kids, who see their mum eow and a few hours on one or two evenings during the week.

Part of how we even met in the first place was that we have the same weekend schedule and one child-free weeknight that coincides. Without that, I don't think our relationship could have progressed. We have built up to eow together plus one or two evening dates in between, so an average of one or two dates a week. It's difficult because we only have that one weeknight where we're both free, but sometimes one of us wants to use it to see friends.

This is a great relationship, and I would rather work around our kids and schedules than not have him in my life. It's not easy though. My life would be much simpler and less hectic if I were single, but I think we're worth the effort until our DC are older and it becomes a bit easier. The fact that he puts his DC first is a big deal and one of the qualities that drew me to him in the first place.

Is there a way to align your schedules to get that weekly date? I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation if your commitments allow it.

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 15:29

Why does it matter what single dads are like, unless you're planning on dating a series of them? It only matters what this man is offering you, and whether that's matching up to what you're looking for. And it isn't.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 19/08/2022 15:32

I was in other end of the same boat, man dating a woman who worked shifts and was a single parent, and it was pretty much as you describe, pretty boring lots of waiting for her free time, sorry, but sounds a bit par for the course really

Original poster

lighterthenordinarychocolate · 19/08/2022 16:06

He has two kids from different mums and their time with him overlaps. I often have a day midweek and weekends free and he has his kids at the weekend.

My time can be relatively flexible so the sticking point tends to be his availability. I'd love to spend a weekend with him but it tends to be midweek, and we can both be tired which isn't great.

I know things would get better when/if we introduce kids to each other but that's off the cards right now, certainly for another few months minimum.

In all honesty it did cross my mind that he wasn't single early on but he often messages, and calls and we've had a few nights away. He's quite open about his life etc.

And the poster who said that's it's this man, not all single dads is spot on.

Hopefully things will improve after school holidays. I know his kids come first but I do need more than this (which I've said to him)

OP posts:

Original poster

lighterthenordinarychocolate · 19/08/2022 16:12

@ForgottenWhyImHere yes aligning schedules may work out better. We have had the odd time where I've been away or had something on but I'll see if we can work that out

OP posts:

Steptoeandson · 19/08/2022 16:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ

Username1708 · 19/08/2022 22:23

I don't think there's a right or wrong here really. This is obviously just how his schedule works, and he's trying to slot you in where he can.

It's up to you to decide whether or not you're happy with this arrangement.

For me, I'd be put off. I'd have a lot of respect for the guy for spending time with his kids but, in regards to a relationship, I just couldn't make it work as it's basically long-distance.

SortingItOut · 20/08/2022 06:34

I'm a few weeks out of a relationship which ended partly because of our schedules not aligning.
My ex has his son a minimum of 4 times a week which included every weekend giving him 3 evenings per week free in which he has to fit in his hobbies, friends, down time and me.
I have older children so they didn't affect my schedule but my work did as I sometimes had evening meetings which often fell on the nights my ex was free so we only saw each other 1 evening per week which isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

I didn't see his son much as he didn't want him to get too attached to me.
It made things very difficult and meant we never had a weekend together (about twice a year we would get a weekend day together but only 1 day as the next day he had to have his son)

I see him having his son loads as a green flag and I love how hands on he is but his situation doesn't lend itself to a relationship.

When I'm ready for a relationship in the future I'll be looking for someone with older children like me.

theonlygirl · 20/08/2022 09:12

Two kids with two different women. So if he has each kid EOW that's pretty much every weekend? Good for him that he's spending time with his kids but you probably want to sit down and have a long hard think about what life with this guy looks like for you and your kids before you invest more.

Flip