Husbands outbursts

[realisingthetruth]

Hi all. I’ve been with my husband 14 years and looking back he’s always had a very temperamental behaviour, first being punching doors and tv’s. It would be such small things that would turn on the anger button. I realise now this is when I changed a lot. I was all out to have fun, but i’m doing this it would always bring out his anger and when i tried to talk or ask him about it it would make him worse. This is when i just stopped and made sure i done nothing to provoke him, and the real me stopped. It all settled down and i would never confront him about anything and still don’t.

We then had our first baby together and that’s when things started up again. As soon as he got home from work it’s like a huge cloud would come in with him and the whole dynamics would change. Fast forward to now and it’s worse. I’m constantly making sure nothing is in his way, for example so he doesn’t stand on one of the kids toys and launches it across the room. It’s so critical of everything i do and constantly questioning have i done this that and the other. Always points out he’s been at work and that’s when he just tells me what to do and he will watch.

I’ve been so down and depressed for years, I was so besotted with him years ago I let everything go and gave up the person i was to please him. That illusion is slowly going and i am seeing no other option but to leave. Recently I’ve noticed he’s stopped his bank statements from coming to the house, took my name of joint shares, put my car into his name, etc. I look after the kids and do this on my own as we have no family nearby, Ive had one day off in 7 years but i love my children dearly and their my best friends. Him on the other hand he will get into a anger burst if the youngest gets in his way or runs out in front of him etc the smallest thing will set him off. He’s never hurt the children but I see he finds them annoying and he doesn’t do anything to entertain them. I recently had a water fight in the garden with my eldest, we had a great time. Husband was sat looking at his phone (as per usual) and daughter got water on him, he threw this phone across the garden and stormed into the house.

My tipping point has been my eldest saying mummy shall we find you a new boyfriend whose happy and nice. I said to her wouldn’t you miss daddy though and she said no we can just move to america and he will never find us 😢 In that moment I realised what have I been doing all these years. I don’t want them growing up thinking anger is exceptable. They see there dad throwing their toys across the room if there in the way or throwing/ biting his ps5 controller if he loses, smashing something if it doesn’t work.

Im not sure what i want from this post and this is a very brief story. I’m not even sure why he’s taking me off everything too?

Lots of people will be here with advice but I would just say that the story with your child's opinion really must, must be a game changer for you and you need to leave. You are probably aware that unmarried you don't have many financial rights, so look into your benefits, what he will have to pay for the kids etc. And make plans. Do you have any real life support from family or friends. If so, tell them, and lean heavily on them. Good luck but please do it!

Hi OP

Get legal advice about everything especially your name being removed from assets. It sounds like he is either hoping to leave you high and dry or else frighten you into staying.

It sounds like your kids are young and so it’s time to end the marriage to minimise the lasting damage that growing up in a household like this causes children. (This isn’t an attack on you OP, but sometimes it’s easier to get the strength to make decisions like this for our children rather then for ourselves).

Contact woman’s aid or a similar local organisation because you and your children are living in an abusive household. Other women have been in your situation and gotten out.

You won’t know yourself when you separate. Not having to walk on eggshells, being constantly vigilant that you or kids do upset him, you will finally be yourself again. The feeling of relief you get from getting away from a relationship like that is indescribable.

Oh, sorry, just read that you are married! Then all your assets will be joint after a 14 year marriage and it makes no difference what he's taken you off on the long run. Try to see a solicitor, with any details your have of finances.

@pog100 She's married - it says in the heading and throughout.

Cross-post!

Hi OP
So sorry to read this. I contacted Women's Aid earlier this week as my husband also has a temper and has shouted at me in front of our baby girl and the penny just dropped that I was being emotionally and verbally abused.
I had my first chat with a Women's Aid support worker yesterday and it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders to just speak to someone. It was a very teary phonecall, but SO worth it.

Definitely recommend giving them a call to talk about your feelings. It sounds like you (and your children) are living in fear and your husband should NOT be making you feel that way. Your children deserve to feel safe and loved instead of hoping to move to America where their dad can't find them. 💐

I will try womens aid thank you. Didn’t know where to ask for advice. The reason I’ve waited for as long as i have is i’m concerned with my husband having the children on his own if we were separated because i know his temper and i know how wound up he gets. Is there a way to make sure if we separate he can only see them a set day a week for just a few hours and he has to go to anger management? Thanks

Please call Womens Aid whilst he's at work. He is horribly abusive and the longer you stay the more damaged you and your children will become. Get good legal advice. Don't tell him anything until you've gone.

OP, you must be aware that this isn't normal or acceptable behaviour. He wouldn't dream of shouting at his work colleagues or throwing things to bully them into submission so why is it okay to do this at home? It isn't!

I honestly think that the next time he does this, you should call 101 and report it to the Police. Woman are conditioned into accepting domestic abuse as something to be kept secret and behind closed doors but there have been laws passed in UK to protect against coercive control and abuse.

If you report him, you are laying the paper trail that should hopefully help when you need to negotiate custody arrangements. It would also help get him out of the house while you sort yourself.

Call Womans Aid for proper guidance on how to proceed and don't be afraid to report, report and report him each and every time he threatens you, smashes something or abuses you.

Not only is he violent, he is defrauding you and being financially abusive.
Leave him or kick him out.

If you are worried for the children's safety should you separate then he is just as much a danger to them if you stay together. Deal with access and supervision when the time comes. For now, you need to focus on freeing both yourself and your children from sharing your home with this abuser. Stop looking for reasons to maintain the status quo or you will never break free. Focus on finding a path to freedom and safety.

Such a man is unlikely to really bother at all with these children going forward as they will interfere with his free time or working life. He may well shout about 50/50 etc but such men say this also as a way of controlling their target, in this case you.

He likely can control himself around other people and would not treat his colleagues like he does you. Therefore he does not have anger management issues. Such courses too are NO answer to domestic violence which is what this whole situation is.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour.

Did you grow up seeing similar at home or were you yourself in a bad place yourself when you met him?.

Do contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap. He won’t make any aspect of you separating from him at all easy because he will want to maintain the power and control he has over you, and in turn your kids. But you all absolutely need to leave him, this relationship should have been and truly was over the first time he punched an inanimate object. It’s a small step now between punching objects and punching you. It’s not your fault that he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Such men hate women, all of them.

That’s the thing I don’t call him out anymore… use to right at the beginning but realised being quite was an easier life. I have no idea why i have been sucked into this life and met him when i was 21 he’s a lot older then me. The anger was all new to me and very upsetting at the beginning. Wish looking back I had just left then but i wouldn’t have my amazing children. I want the best for them. My childhood was full of parents arguing, many a night my mum was in our room crying etc it was a very turbulent life as a child and as children we walked on eggshells everyday and extremely quite to avoid disturbing the peace. I think that’s partly why i just go quite and never speak up, bottle everything up. But when my young daughter out of no where says about finding a new boyfriend for me it’s a huge wake up call and I need to do what is best for them.

My husband talks to a lot of people he works with like rubbish, talks down to everyone as in his head no one is as good as him. Yes he’s good at his job but how he’s so disrespectful and patronising to others is horrible and he even talks to my mum as if she’s stupid etc. My mum watches what she says to him because he’s very easily provoked. Enough is enough and I have contacted womens aid.

"That’s the thing I don’t call him out anymore… use to right at the beginning but realised being quite was an easier life."

That's because he has emotionally beaten you into submission with his abuse. This is so common with abuse victims so don't blame yourself, it's all on him.

took my name of joint shares, put my car into his name, etc.

How did he do this?
If he's managed to make those changes without your permission or signature, he has committed fraud.

Not that this is the biggest of your worries right now ... but it sounds like he is getting ready to rip you off financially.

Please contact the company that handles your shares & the DVLA when he is out. Also contact the bank, your mortgage company/landlord - & ensure that you are still named as joint owner/tenant.

Please raise this with WA as a point of urgency.

Tell them what your DD said about getting you a kind b/f & running away to America so her dad can't find you. They will give you the best advice, & it will be up to date with current law around post-separation access.

and he has to go to anger management

He doesn't need anger management.
He doesn't throw his boss's belongings around, or allow anyone else to see him biting his ps5 controller
(Sorry OP this is such an arresting image I had to laugh. I know it's not funny - but gallows humour can help ...)

He can manage his anger all right.
He just doesn't bother doing so around you & the kids.
Because he is an abusive bully who enjoys scaring you all.

Just been reading about all these ladies and their abusive husbands. My husband is in his late 70s and has been like these for years, I've had advice and suggestions but now I am getting fearful as I am 81 and what do I do. Separation at my time of life would be awful. Most times he's ok but when he goes off on one he's unbearable. Thanks for reading.