Feelings turned off overnight

[boltonlettuce]

Long time lurker first time poster here.
I (31) have been with someone for 5 months - it's been going really well, we've both been really keen, he asked me to be exclusive / not see anyone else around month 2, i said yes.
anyway, 5 months in, it's like a tap has been turned with regards to my feelings, and little things have started to annoy me, I feel disinterested and I dont want to see him.
This has happened to me in my previous 3 relationships but at around a year mark, and it literally happens overnight, and it's like i forget anything positive I thought about them, or why I really liked them, and just want to be out of the relationship. When I have ended the relationship previously, I have never really felt sadness or regret in ending the relationship or missed them (aside from the sadness that I have hurt them), and from their perspective, it comes out of the blue and is probably quite confusing and hurtful.
Before my current partner, I was single for around a year, and initially thought that it would be unfair to be in a relationship with someone when I know my feelings can change so quickly. however, I met current partner and thought he was different / it was different etc, but 4 months in, I don't think it is.
He is a really great guy, and I feel awful because I think that I will end up hurting him, and he's done nothing wrong or changed - it's all me. I also don't know what I can do to mitigate this in the future aside from not enter in to relationships?

Humans of complex beings. If after 5 months it's not working, then it's not working. If it was something you could put your finger on and you both were willing to work at, then it might be ok . If it's an overall feeling that it's not going to work that's a bit different. Someone's always hurt when only one person wants to finish a relationship but if you're sure, the longer you keep it going the more he's going to be hurt Maybe don't go exclusive so quickly next time as this has happened before. Give yourself, and prospective partner a bit more time 💐

I dont think you are alone in feeling this way. The same happened to me with a really really lovely guy last year. Everything was great, we really clicked and i genuinely looked forward to seeing him as often as possible until one night we went out for dinner together and i just felt nothing. Or actually felt the complete opposite of how i had felt just the day before. It came out of left field and he obviously noticed the change. I had to end it because i knew the feelings wouldnt come back so it was unfair to keep seeing him. And truth be told i almost got that dreaded phenomenon known as the ick. I know some people hate that term but it describe what happened to me. I dont know if its something to do with the novelty having worn off or if i just really didnt want to be in a realtionship. I couldnt fault him at all he was really one of the decent ones who are so hard to find these days. I seem to be stuck going for the ones that couldnt be more emotionally unavailable, these men i seem to be drawn too. I wish I could put my finger on why those nice ones you could really settle down with just dont float my boat. Will you end things? Good luck and hope it goes ok!

If this always happens to you and you’re not happy about it, then it’s worth exploring why it might be happening. It’s natural for the initial excitement to convert into something calmer and (I think) deeper as the relationship continues but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here. You mention that it happens with good guys who treat you well. Maybe at some level you don’t think you deserve that or you’re scared of the intimacy? Have you looked into love addiction and avoidance addiction? I could be way off beam here so please feel free to ignore!

Do you think perhaps you might be given to black and white thinking?

It is likely a basic genetic thing. Nature wants us with people that will provide us with healthy children. If genetically you would not make healthy children, nature will turn us off that person.

thanks for all your replies!
I think that going slower in future relationships is something I defo need to do, but at the time i really trust how im feeling.

@Naimee87 I think I will see how things go next time I see him and maybe have a conversation with him then in a diplomatic way - i think he will (if he hasnt already) notice the change and i don't want to cause any anxiety in thinking things have changed but not knowing why.

@Dery I have looked into love addition / avoidance - i do really like the falling in love stage / getting to know someone bit (as lots of people do) but I think the bit after that I'm not bothered about. I really enjoy being single, and i think the bits in a relationship that other people value (being supported etc) I dont think I really value as much?
im not sure, i think i have a lot of avoidant traits (not wanting to rely on partner, or them on me, feeling suffocated when i feel like I cant do what I want to do, valuing independence etc) but i dont think it comes from a place of fear that they will leave me...it feels like thats just me?

I'm the same but it takes a lot longer, which causes much worse problems. Three marriages, all of which ended because I didn't want to carry on. Other relationships much the same. Maybe some of us aren't genetically programmed to live as a couple.

@PetalParty what do you mean?

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley but if it happens with EVERYONE?

Do you have "relationship goals" in your life? That is, do you dream of one day living with someone/ getting married / having children or some other things (you may have already done this, but might want something similar again)? If so, I would say try counselling, to try and discover the reason you go off people so quickly, as it sounds like it's a pattern rather than this one guy. I have been with my OH 8 years - sometimes I feel so irritated with him I'd wish we'd never met! A few days later, we'll be deeply in love and "into" each other, a month after we can drift apart slightly and be caught up in our own hobbies for a week and repeat. It's not always like the first flush of romance, but it's worth working at.

On the other hand, if you are happy single / having more casual or short-term relationships, then just do that! That way you will always be in the exciting first phase! But maybe check in future that the other person is up for that too so they don't get hurt.

Are you definitely heterosexual? Genuine question. My 40yo cousin was in a similar position, had an encounter with another woman at a party and it was like a light had come in in her life. She is happy in a same sex marriage now.

I have this. 7 mths in... Just suddenly realised no future.

Once the desire is gone eg sex you either have great compatability or not.
Hard though x

@QS90 re relationship goals - not really to be honest. the thought of being single in the future doesn't bother me. im not sure I can actually imagine me being married or with a long term partner (because I've never had a relationship over 2 years).

@ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley i am bisexual had have had one short relationship with a women years ago...i am open to having another relationship with a woman but previous 3 exes have been male...im not sure it would make a difference but maybe!

@Pleaseaddcaffine are you going to end it?

Try googling ‘attachment styles’. I met a guy last year who was exactly as you described. Full on for the first 3-4 months and then it was like he a switch just flicked in his brain and had a change of heart, yet seemed to not want to hurt me so kept things going for many months but was constantly blowing hot and cold. After things eventually ended, I was extremely hurt and couldn’t understand what I’d supposed to have done or why I was being treated this way. I turned to google and accidentally stumbled across an article about attachment styles and I learned that everyone has an attachment style (there are 4 main attachment styles) which can affect how you view relationships/ potential partners/ partners.

One of those attachment styles is ‘dismissive avoidant’ where you crave a relationship but then get cold feet as soon as the dating phase starts to progress and you start to look for annoying traits in other people as a way to stop yourself getting too close to a person. This is all on a subconscious level and you do not realise or understand why it is happening…. which sounds like your situation here. I found learning about all attachment styles really interesting and has helped me a lot in my new relationship.

Glad this happens to other people and not just me.

Been seeing a great woman, suddenly stopped fancying her and really don’t get why. Split up a week after the attraction just stopped.

Being as honest with him as possible is the best way forward. I did try my best to have a word with myself because on paper the guy from last year was everything i thought i wanted. So i couldnt understand what my feelings were doing and why they switched off. In my case i think im a bit too addicted to the chase and being kept on my toes but the guys who do this generally dont tend to be the nice ones in the end as their the same way. Be good to hear an update after the conversation if your keen to give us an update.

This happened to me in every single relationship. I had no idea why.
But I've finally realized I'm actually gay and shouldn't have been even trying to have relationships with men.....