What would you do? Am I being unreasonable?

[MissB2022]

My partner (36) & I (35) have been together for 6 years and we have 2 young children together,
There has been a LOT of lying from him particularly regarding substance use/abuse.
He had a chronic health/pain condition which found him addicted to opiates (understandably, he was in terrible pain) which he addressed & has been sober for years.
However, since then there has been other substances that he’s used & medications that he’s abused and lied about. For example, he was prescribed dexamphetamine for his Depression & energy levels by a psychiatrist which was fine and working well for say a year, until he began abusing the medication taking over 20 a day (prescribed 6), wasn’t sleeping, eating, acting strangely, lost a lot of weight and was having huge crashes. He eventually got away from them earlier this year but since then he has secretly taken them on & off until I notice his behaviour changing (the crashes etc) and I eventually figure it out.
There has been other drugs too, to a lesser extent, GHB, Cocaine, Ketamine, Suboxone, Crystal - all since having children. He has bad depression and says he uses things as an escape.
This situation gives me anxiety constantly, every day I feel like I’m just waiting for the next thing to happen. As soon as I finally feel relaxed about our family situation, I’ll end up finding an empty packet of a substance and then my anxiety surrounding it begins all over again.
The thing is that he’s angry at me for questioning him often about his behaviour and thinks I’m being unreasonable for doing so. He says that I treat him like a child.
For example if he were to withdraw money from our bank account, I would immediately question him whether he’s planning on buying drugs with that money. If he were to go to the Doctor, I would ask if he’s been given any pain killers, Valium etc. Given the history, I don’t think that’s such an unreasonable question, but he’s making me feel like I’m being unreasonable, am I?
Today he has said that I’m trying to control him and is minimising the Dexamphetamine use because he was prescribed it and “it’s just dex”
not realising the nightmare we were living because of it.
I asked if we were to separate would he do a drug test before having the kids, he acted as if that was the most terrible thing I could possibly ask him and that he has never put the kids in danger while taking something.
Am I being controlling? Are the questions I’m asking unreasonable?

I couldn’t live like that. You must be terrified. He needs serious help.

If I were you I would get legal advice about what happens if you split: would your word be taken about the drug abuse, would medical records be available when custody of the kids was being discussed, would he need to take a drugs test before having the kids?

Your questions are reasonable, but do you really want to stay in a relationship with a druggie you can't trust? And subject your children to that?

He's in the firm grip of addiction, it's his primary focus, no one else, just the hit, so he gets angry when you try to talk about it, the anger is defending his most valued thing. Separating is a good idea. I don't know legally what you can ask if him re drug testing but some legal advice wouldn't go amiss.

Yes you are being controlliing, although it's understandable. It's also pretty pointless as you can't control or change him, you can only change yourself. You need to let him make his own choices and then make yours in light of what he chooses. In other words, this is the life he wants so if it isn't the one you want then leave.

It's no way for you to live your life . You need to get away from him and take your children as its a very bad atmosphere for them to live in. He is a drug addict and needs to take responsibility for himself. I totally understand why you are policing him but that's too much stress for you. I think..but l may be wrong..that the court won't give him access to the children unsupervised as its too dangerous. Could you go to Alanon to get support for those living with an addict and start planning to leave or get him out of your home.
Just let him come to the end of himself while you and your children get to a safe environment.
It's an extremely tough situation.

You can't control it, op, although you are desperately trying. The questions will only get you lies, so there's really no point asking them. Assume that he is always taking them and act accordingly. You do need to separate, you need to protect you and your children. You say partner so you don't need to divorce. I would look as separating any finances immediately to protect you and the kids. Maybe one day he will conquer it, but it's not fair on your kids to live with him. I would try and find a helpline.

Fucking Hell OP, ketamine is a filthy drug. The vast majority of his drug use isn't justified even when you factor in chronic pain. He's a drug addict, with everything that entails. I would leave him without hesitation.

Six years isn't very long and look how much shit you've had to deal with from him. He's an addict and it isn't worth analysing his responses - he'll accuse you of anything to get his way. Doesn't matter if you controlling or not, you can't control him and he can't control his addiction. The drugs are controlling him and your relationship, and your family. You need to recognise this - with proper support if possible - and get away from him. This hasn't and won't get better as he's not even recognising the problem. I can see that you're worried about the DC, but the chances are, if you leave him he won't be reliable for contact anyway. If you keep the DC, he'll likely let that drift and use it as an excuse to do more drugs. You can't let fear keep you trapped in this situation. YANBU, but you would be if you stay and raise your DC in that situation.

You have gone from his partner to his carer..
You aren't op..
Time to allow the professionals to step in while you step away.

No way would i have my dc around him right now. . They need to be your priority now.

Your behaviour is proportionate and rational to the problem you have.
He might not like it, and in a healthy relationship what you are doing would be mad. But he has created this situation and you are responding to your circumstances as any sane person would.
If he can't see the problem here there is no happy end to this because you aren't in a relationship with him you are in a relationship with his addiction.
Sounds awful and I don't think you can win here it's a lose-lose situation. So sorry to hear you are suffering in this way.
Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your kids, it's all you can do. 😔

He's shown that he can't be trusted to do what he says. There's no coming back from that really.
I'd be leaving him, and also letting the doctors know that they have been prescribing drugs to which he has become addicted. . I have to say, I thought the drugs you mention were not prescribed any more because of the addiction issues.

No, you're not controlling but you might want to look at co-dependence.

You need to leave him to it and make a life for yourself and the dc.

You are living with an addict.

I am sorry you find yourself in this awful situation.You need to mentally protect yourself and your 2 children from this life.What is your housing and money situation?Can you leave?I doubt he would be able to look after the children in this state you need legal advice about that.Try and get whatever money you can together and do you have family who will support you now.Good luck.

This is no life for your children. You do realise that, right?
They didn't ask for it so even if you're willing to put up with it, they should not have to

Absolutely it’s no life for my children and they are my number 1 priority. They are very young and don’t realise what’s happening, nothing is ever done around them/in front of them. To anyone we would appear to be just a normal family. It’s all very secretive, not what I would have ever imagined a family dealing with addiction would be like.
The kids just adore him. It’s all so sad.

You’re right. Co-dependence is definitely something I have considered. So weird to find myself in this situation.

Agreed.

I will get legal advice, but you know what, I honestly believe he would be reasonable in a split. I don’t think he would want to put the kids through any drama.

No, I really don’t. I guess the older they get the more they will understand too.

I have actually let GP’s know in the past, and I’m planning on contacting his psych.
I just had hope that he would be able to get past this.

Very wise, thanks for the advice.

So sorry OP. Its no way for you to live, always worried and nervous about what he's taking. His addiction is more important to him than you and your children. If it wasn't then he'd stop. Until he realises that, you can't help him. He needs professional support and for you to walk away with your children. When he hits rock bottom and values what he's lost, he may then want to get better. Until then just look after yourself and your children. He needs to take responsibility for his addiction. It's so sad but you can't fix this on your own. xx

Such a lose-lose situation!
Thank you for your response.

It’s as if he cannot understand the impact of what’s he’s doing on his family.
It’s just a world that I never imagined. How someone so smart and successful can be so self sabotaging.
Thanks for your advice!