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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stuck in limbo with my male friend with a ‘trial run’ relationship

22 replies

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 02:46

3 weeks ago I asked out my friend and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to make our relationship anything more than a friendship but then he said he’d give us a trial run. He said we’d be temporarily boyfriend and girlfriend and to see if his feelings would develop. It’s been 2 weeks and he hasn’t really told me how he feels at this stage and I just feel stuck in limbo. Has anyone else had a trial run on a relationship? How long should it be until we call it a bust?

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 19/08/2022 02:54

No news is no news… The spark’s not there for him. If you have to second-guess like that, it’s too hard. Nobody is worth that kind of stress.
Just accept that a really good friend is better than an ambivalent lover.

FrozenGhost · 19/08/2022 03:00

I once heard a saying in relation to dating, anything but a fuck yes!, is a fuck no. I think that applies here.

Suprima · 19/08/2022 03:02

Nope, I haven’t been into this situation

because it absolutely sounds like a way for a a male ‘friend’ to shag me for a few weeks then dump me guilt-free

Iflyaway · 19/08/2022 03:05

A trial run??!!

Fuck that.

Exactly what @Suprima says......

Original poster

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 03:06

@FrozenGhost I think that saying might be right here 😭

OP posts:

Original poster

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 03:10

@Suprima @Iflyaway I highly doubt he would be interested in sex at this point

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2022 03:34

FrozenGhost · 19/08/2022 03:00

I once heard a saying in relation to dating, anything but a fuck yes!, is a fuck no. I think that applies here.

This. You deserve more that an attempt. We all do.

Wait for someone who is really excited you like them.

Hiddenvoice · 19/08/2022 04:13

I think you need to ask him, it’s not fair to keep you hanging on. Also I hate that he’s called it a trial run. Could he not have suggested going on some dates and then seeing how he felt afterwards, doesn’t need to jump to boyfriend and girlfriend straight away for 2 weeks.

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 04:15

Why on earth did you agree to this? What does a ‘trial’ entail and how would it differ from your friendship? If you are friends already and he currently feels no spark, why on earth would a ‘trial’ ignite one. I suspect you’ve signed up for a FWB in the desperate hope for it to become more.

Find your self respect and walk away from this ill judged proposition. This spectacle has revealed an unhealthy dynamic that has spread from you mooning over him to a weird power imbalance which you have voluntarily surrendered to.

GreyCarpet · 19/08/2022 06:08

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 02:46

A friend would have more respect for you than to treat you like this.

How long have you been friends? How did you meet? Define friends...

Mysteriousnotice · 19/08/2022 06:12

You'd know by now if he was interested in anything more. End this trial before it goes on and becomes awkward.

Hotandbothereds · 19/08/2022 06:12

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 03:10

@Suprima @Iflyaway I highly doubt he would be interested in sex at this point

If you’re not having sex and you were friends anyway what does a trial relationship even involve?

You can clearly tell there’s no spark, it’s not up to him to decide whether or not this is what he wants - take control, say it’s not working & move on.

djdkdkddkek · 19/08/2022 06:14

I think it sounds a bit shit
a trial run? Like you’re on probation? You can do better

Inklingpot · 19/08/2022 07:02

He’s giving you a ‘trial run’? How utterly dismal.

Clara27 · 19/08/2022 07:28

You need to take back control here, you’ve handed it all over to him. Any relationship that develops out of this will always have you on the back foot and him calling the shots. As soon as he mentioned trial run, that would have changed my opinion of him and the shine would have dimmed considerably. Gather your dignity and move forward, there’s nothing to pursue here. Good luck

Joey69 · 19/08/2022 07:34

3 weeks ago I asked out my friend and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to make our relationship anything more than a friendship but then he said he’d give us a trial run.

if you had to do the asking then he is just not into you in that way, sorry

forgotoldusername · 19/08/2022 07:37

@Kirstenwe456 don't you want someone who's crazy for you? Feelings can grow but they would have grown anyway if they were meant to be. You asking him out and him reluctantly accepting is not what you should want.

Just say "sorry it's not working out, happy to be friends (but I would also cool the friendship as that's not a person who matches my "friends" criteria, firstly to be respected).

Good luck

SudocremOnEverything · 19/08/2022 07:40

I think getting some counselling to explore why you were even willing to consider a ‘trial run’ of a relationship at all would be useful. Starting off as an option they aren’t even keen on is not the basis for a successful relationship.

capedavenger · 19/08/2022 07:50

This sounds potentially damaging for you. He's going into this "relationship" half-heartedly, is not interested in sex and you don't know where you stand. You deserve to be with somebody who thinks you're amazing and can't wait to be with you op. I think if it's this hard then it isn't working. Keep your dignity and walk away!

Dery · 19/08/2022 08:32

Firstly, well done for taking the initiative to ask him out - some men are reticent and it could have been the prod he needed. I don’t think he’s really done anything wrong - he’s been honest and expressed willingness to give it a try and he doesn’t seem to be using you for sex.

It’s unclear what this trial period entails - have you been doing date-like activities or just continuing as you were before? If you’re waiting for feelings to grow, 2-3 weeks is not very long.

BUT all that said, based on the experience of friends and me, I think men are rather different from us in that I think they either are interested or they’re not whereas women’s feelings often develop more gradually. You were already friends so he had already had the opportunity to develop romantic feelings for you and he hadn’t done so. So it sounds like your instincts are telling you that nothing is going to come of this and i think your instincts are probably right.

In your shoes, I would probably cut my losses and walk away and maybe not see him for a bit to allow myself some recovery time.

Original poster

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 16:41

Thank you everyone for the insight. To anyone confused about what the ‘trial run’ consists of well it’s nothing really except the label 🙈 I’m just not good at sticking up for myself.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 19/08/2022 18:13

Kirstenwe456 · 19/08/2022 16:41

Thank you everyone for the insight. To anyone confused about what the ‘trial run’ consists of well it’s nothing really except the label 🙈 I’m just not good at sticking up for myself.

I'm not sure standing up for yourself is relevant here but I might have misunderstood your post.

It sounds like you asked out a friend who was thinking he'd try it out but actually doesn't want to. Was he just trying to offer a compromise to try to save the friendship maybe?

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