Finding it tough a few months after splitting

[ThisWormHasTurned]

Will try to keep it brief..I split from STBXH just over 6 months ago. We have one DC who is 9. STBXH showed sign of coercive control, had been very low for a long time and took it out on both of us. I knew I couldn’t stay with him because it was affecting DC. They are much calmer since we split and more settled at school.

I’m so glad he’s gone. It’s like a weight has been lifted. Definitely the right decision. However, I am struggling financially. Money is very tight. I used to live on a budget years ago but had got used to having savings and a decent joint income. Now I’m on my own…life is so expensive! I can’t claim any benefits yet because we have joint savings that will eventually go to him as part of me buying him out. I’ve got a new job that will pay more but I think I’m going to have to do extra shifts just to make more money.

He has moved on already (several months into a new relationship). I’m not jealous, in fact I feel ill at the thought of being with him now. But he’s made the changes I asked him to make so many times (drinking less, dealing with an underlying medical problem, getting counselling). So this just tells me that he was always capable of making those changes, just not for me. I know some things won’t last (he has an alcohol dependency for example, he could stop completely for periods but it never lasted) but that does hurt.

I’ve tried online dating but in 3 months I’ve managed one date and that lasted less than an hour before he left saying he had jobs to do at home! Never heard from him again funnily enough.

I know things will get better. I start a new job soon which will mean more money long term, better hours. Some things like my phone contract run out in January and I can move to a cheaper contact and not upgrade. My Dad has been very supportive (including financially) but it’s really tough! Just posting really for some support and encouragement to get me through this rough period.

Sounds like you're doing really well. Just keep going, one day at a time. It's still early days.

Thanks Fairycake2. Doesn’t feel like it! Spent most of the evening in tears because I’m just so overwhelmed. Found a couple of places where I can save some money/earn a bit more! I knew it would be tough, I’d just forgotten how tough it can be on a tight budget and doing it on your own. I rang my Dad who has been very supportive.

What were you hoping to get out dating?

You've done a good thing. Your DH was not the right person for you. Your DC is happier. You are improving your career.
Obviously you need time to adjust to being single and the pressure on you feels immense, but you are achieving a great deal. There is certainly light at the end of this tunnel.
Personally I would leave dating a bit longer, it's just stress you don't need at the moment.

Nothing too serious..definitely not looking for a new husband!! But companionship and intimacy. I’ve never had a ONS or casual sex and I can’t imagine jumping straight into that either. (Not judging those that do, it’s just not something I’ve done). I’m clearly doing something wrong (maybe seeming too keen?) because I’ve arranged several dates and only one has happened. I think I’m in a bit of a strange position in that I think most people my age (or looking for someone my age) either want casual sex or they want something serious and want to settle down…I want something in the middle.

Thanks LocalHobo. You’re right, it was the right decision. We are all happier. I tried for a long time to make it work and he had just given up. I know it was the right decision. It’s just tough to go from a decent joint income with savings to counting every penny. I can’t claim any benefits (I wouldn’t be entitled to much but some help) because we technically have joint savings…however that’s all going to him when I buy him out of the house. So in theory it’s there but in reality it’s not mine to spend!

I’ve just paused the dating apps actually because I was thinking the same. In my new job, I’ll have weekends off. I’ll look to do some social stuff (just to meet new people, not necessarily to meet men) but also do some extra shifts to ease the financial pressure.

[DC is] much calmer since we split and more settled at school... I’m so glad he’s gone. It’s like a weight has been lifted. ... We are all happier.

OP, just go back and read these words whenever you feel overwhelmed. They're your own words. They're the reason you left XH. And they're your well-deserved reward for all the effort and hard work and money hassles you are temporarily having to deal with.

Yes, it's galling that he made necessary changes after you left him, though he wouldn't make them to save your relationship. But that's in your past. When he relapses, that will be someone else's problem. You and DC are free of all that crap.

You are already well on your way to a happier, safer, more rewarding life for you and DC. Best of luck for the rest of the journey.

I do hold on to this. When I planned to end things, I started a list of the things he’d said and done that were bad. I got up to about 50…this includes refusing to look after DC when I had to go up to A&E! People have said I seem like a different person. My close family have said I seem like myself again. That in itself is very telling.

I think I just need to get my priorities straight. Sort out my finances. I start my new job soon..scary but exciting! I know it will come together, it’s just tough in the mean time. My dog hasn’t been sleeping well either (I’m up with her at the moment, suspect she’s about to come into season) and the sleep deprivation definitely makes everything seem worse!

Can relate. I went from 4 days a week to full time as soon as I could after ex left, then recently also moved to a new, slightly higher salary job. It’s very tough, no money for days out or holidays like I had when married but everyone’s happy and we manage (just). Things easier since dc1 got a pt job so earns his own spending money. I do get anxious about it, though and the responsibility weighs on me.

Same GiselleRose. You just get used to having that money. Massive adjustment. I’ve signed up to do a Christians against poverty course in September, need that advice. Trying to save money where I can, sell stuff and will need to work extra shifts I think.