Struggling to accept DP won’t be around for birth and beyond

[CatheroneTate]

DP and I had arguments over some behaviour he was exhibiting. Nothing to do with cheating but I feel bad writing about it to the internet. He wasn’t coping well and we both said things we didn’t mean. We’ve now not spoken for a month despite me reaching out to him. His parents are not alive but even his friend has told him to talk and he won’t. He’s in a spiral with his own life and work and is stubborn…he’s gone quiet on me before but not like this, I don’t even know where he’s staying! He will miss the birth (it’s imminent in next 3 weeks) and I am finding it hard to come to terms with. I have other support but I can’t believe he would do this, it is a moment he won’t get back. We are not young either so this is likely our first and last (in our forties).

Really struggling mentally and worried I will never forgive this though I know he’s struggling himself. Just want to talk as feeling very shit about it all.

Oh I'm so sorry that sounds awful. With the greatest respect it's time to priorities you and your baby. You are better off alone than with thus man. You can do this. Personally I'd go to Relate by yourself and talk it through, they were fantastic with me when I felt so trapped with my then dp and two very young dc they really helped me see clearly that he wasn't and would never be the man I so wanted him to be. You deserve someone who will put you first and put your baby before even you. This man's problems should not be your priority don't let him take priority. If he comes back apologising and begging I'd insist on counselling but there's no way in he'll I'd chase him you have more important things to do.

@Tontostitis yeah that’s where I am at.. i just didn’t expect him to be so stubborn as to do this so close to birth. He will likely never experience this again (he’s 44 and I’ve been his only long term relationship). Even if we are broken up it’s seems so sad he won’t be there (outside!) on the day.

I know I need to let it go regarding birth and tbh I think this is now it for me with the relationship so that’s over. But this js still his dc

There are an awful lot of red flags about this man in your opening post. His "behaviour", his stubbornness, his having "gone quiet" (what does this mean, exactly?) on you before (more than once?).

I'm very sorry but I do not think this is going to resolve in the way you want it to. Why should you be worried that you will never forgive this, surely abandoning a heavily pregnant women is exactly the sort of behaviour that shouldn't be forgiven! (I assume that by "forgive" you mean forget about it and pretend it never happened, of course you should try to forgive in the sense of not holding a grudge forever as that's not good for you.)

A man (or woman) who is this "stubborn" and uncaring will not make a good parent. Is he punishing you? Nothing about it sounds functional.

I would lean heavily on your other sources of support. Begin imagining the birth and parenting without him. Who will be your birth partner now? Also consider what you will do if he reappears before the birth - I appreciate you've said the relationship is over for you now so I would not allow him to be at the birth, the role of the birth partner is to be a support and advocate for YOU and not some sort of spectator. You won't need him in there (or even outside) with all of this emotional baggage. Not being present at the birth does not prevent him from being a good parent should he so choose.

I would stop trying to contact him now. Presumably he knows how to contact you. Send him a short message once the baby has arrived ("Healthy baby boy born at 6:17pm on Thursday 25th August") and get in a claim for child maintenance immediately. Don't give the child his surname. I wouldn't be keen for him to have any unsupervised contact with the child if he does come crawling out of the woodwork, either he's having a massive mental health crisis or he is a complete twat (or both).

Be aware that you cannot name the father on the birth certificate if he is not present for the registration appointment if you are not married. On the plus side, not being on the birth certificate would mean he wouldn't have parental responsibility for the child. He can apply to court to be added later if he wants. You can claim maintenance from him even if he's not on the birth certificate.

I'm very sorry that he's turned out to be like this. I hope your baby brings you lots of joy and that one day all of this stress and sadness will be a distant memory. You can do this.

Have you posted about this before? To be honest I think you'd be better off preparing yourself as a single parent, you can't rely on this man to be there when the going gets tough, he's shown how selfish he and the baby isn't even here yet

The dynamic here is all wrong OP

He had shit behaviour
He said some bad things (ok so did you)
Even his friends think he is being a dick
He has abandoned you at full term.

And you seem to be worried about him missing a big experience. It's not about that, a birth partner is primarily there to help and support the mother when they are at their most vulnerable. That means they need to be someone you can completely rely on so you trust them fully. He has let you down when you're at your most vulnerable. You need to find your anger at some point but for now, your birth experience is likely to be better without him in it. Concentrate on how you can find alternative support