Should I tell him about pregnancy / abortion?

[Pickles0190]

I’m 31 years old. Just found out I’m pregnant by a guy who I’m seeing casually. We used protection, so not planned.

I am 99% sure I want an abortion. The father and I are not in a committed relationship but we’re great friends and were beforehand, have been for over a year, sleeping together for a few months. Neither of us wanted anything serious as both recently out of long term relationships that messed us both up, and have really just been emotional support for one another. It’s been nice just having something fun and uncomplicated for a while and we were both completely clear with each other that’s what we both wanted.

We’re both training in a new profession. Career change for me - he’s younger, in his mid twenties.

Financially I’m not in a great position having just finished studying. I also left an abusive marriage just over a year ago, and I had to start completely from scratch. Having a baby would seriously affect my career trajectory, I’m not working yet, and still have training to do to get to a point where I’m earning decent money.

My gut instinct is to have an abortion because I’m just not in a position to have a baby. I think I will find it emotionally difficult, but practically I know it’s the best choice and I’m almost 100% certain he would want the same.

So my question is, if I do have an abortion, I don’t know if should tell him? Feels a bit harsh in a way to do that and not tell him, and then it would feel like lying to him carrying on like it didn’t happen. If I’m upset how would I explain it?

And also a bit crap to go through that alone, too. I don’t have many friends here to support me, that don’t also know him, as moved here relatively recently. I’m worried about going through that alone, I live by myself. Not had a medical abortion so not sure how painful it will potentially be.

A close relative has said I shouldn’t tell him as he’s ‘young and he might find it difficult, so it’s best he doesn’t know’. Which I kind of object to. But equally I understand it may be kinder to just get on with it myself.

Thank you in advance for any advice.

It is his child, too. If you look at it this way, I think he deserves to know.

I get that completely and if I didn’t tell him, it wouldn’t be out of any lack of respect for that. More so my dilemma is that if you have made the decision you are definitely having an abortion, I’m wondering if it’s kinder that the father doesn’t know.

I would tell him as you were friends for a while before anyway also I think it's too big a secret to keep and you could end up telling him down the line anyway .

If you tell him, he can react in one of three ways

• be supportive regardless of your decision


• demand you have an abortion, refuse to have any further contact etc


• try to persuade you to keep the child

How will you deal with options 2 or 3. What is the point in telling him if he does not then have any say. Can you trust him to be discrete?

@MintJulia i can trust him to be discreet.

the point of telling him would be so I don’t have to deal with it completely on my own. We’re close, it’s not like it was a ONS.

I know he would be supportive that’s not an issue.

You're friends, he will most likely be there for you and give you the support you need.

I've had a termination and I was very glad to have someone with me.

He's involved regardless. Not telling him doesn't seem right in this situation.

I don't see what good it does telling him. If you're having an abortion it's obviously your decision. Do you know him well enough to know his feelings other than he'll be supportive. Will it damage your friendship (if that matters) sometimes saying nothing is best.

I think tell him so he can support you but only once he knows you are not keeping it under any circumstance. If you are sure don't let him convince you otherwise as he still has the option to walk away. You wouldn't. I'm saying this only as you have no one close to support you

Well you certainly can't carry on the relationship (or whatever you call it) if you don't tell him

Then I think you have your answer 🙂

@BigFatLiar I would hope it wouldn’t damage our friendship. It’s not like it’s my fault so he wouldn’t have cause to be upset with me in any way.

If it did then he wouldn’t be who I thought he was!

@Pickles0190 OP not sure on what to do about telling him but I had a very early termination at 5.5 weeks and didn’t even need to finish the treatment (though that is unusual and it was done in hospital so not for your own assessment obviously! They told me it was done with one tablet). It literally was one sharp pain and that was it, just heavier than usual bleeding for a week afterwards that was pain free. I know others have different experiences and this was very early on but what I’m trying to say is the physical side shouldn’t be too bad and you can ask to be in hospital if you are scared and make a fuss..I was terrified so I did that and it was literally like nothing had really happened. That said, I was in emotional turmoil for around 6 months and it didn’t properly leave my mind for about a year to 18 months. It’s different for everyone of course but I didn’t expect to feel as low as I did, it was horrific. One thing I wish someone had said to me was you do move on… right now it’s as if it never happened and I rarely think of it. Though again, everyone’s mental experience will be different I’m sure. Xx

@CatheroneTate thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience. That’s reassuring to know. It would be very early so from that perspective that probably helps.
I can cope with the pain it’s that coupled with the emotional aspect, you don’t know how you feel until it happens.