Am I in the wrong for standing up against my Grandma?

[Akimiee]

Here’s some backstory before the big argument. I’m 19 years old and live my father who also lives with our Grandparents. I love my grandparents and moved in with them a couple years ago due an emotionally and financially unstable Mother due to things like alcoholism. Because of this I’ve always loved my Grandma as shes always taken the role of Mother in my life due to my real Mother’s absence. However, she’s extremely controlling.

Ever since I was young my Grandma has always been extremely critical and controlling of my life, she has always belittled me due to being a bit bigger than other girls despite me trying to always lose weight. Anyways, she absolutely hates it when I try to enjoy myself, such as having a boyfriend and spending time with him or going out with my friends who I haven’t seen in ages or even spending my money.

Recently this has gotten a lot worse after some medical events she’s gone through, such as an eye surgery and getting hearing aids. She’s always in a bad mood and constantly belittles my Grandpa and I. I constantly work to help my Grandparent’s and Dad with the bills and do a lot of the cooking and cleaning for the family due to her being unwell. Even so she acts as if everything I do is wrong and always gets mad at me. I even missed doing something for my one year anniversary with my partner because she always gets extremely upset when I see him.

I decided to stand up to her today after cooking dinner for my Dad who comes home, I left some dishes to clean after I ate which I have always done (my Dad and siblings barely ever clean up after themselves unlike Grandpa and I). However she started to yell at me whilst eating about three small things in the sink. I confronted her and reminded her nicely that I usually clean up after eating and told her it wasn’t appropriate to yell but rather she could of kindly reminded me. Instead she continued to get mad at me and yell. Whilst her being mad my birds started to scream as well which resulted in her threatening to kill my birds. This really set me off as we recently had one of our birds pass. I proceeded to tell her that her behaviour was hurtful and that she shouldn’t say things like that. I expressed how I was really upset with how she was treating me recently especially when I’m the only one who has been willing to step up and help her get well along with taking on household chores whilst also trying to help pay bills and reduced personal time like seeing friends and my partner for her. I do understand that things like that are normal when becoming an adult but I sacrifice majority of my time for her to make sure she and my family are all ok. The argument escalated really quickly and she basically kept telling me to shut up and ignored me as I cried and told her I understood she was going through a stressful time however it was tiring for me to handle her constant mean and critical attitude. She’s not like this with any of my other siblings and only gets mad at small things when it’s me.

I feel terrible for getting upset with her and I’m not sure if I should apologise. Was I in the wrong to go against her in that moment since the argument began over something silly like dishes? I’ve gone to counselling and briefly discussed how her treatment effects me 2 years ago and have tried being more calmer and expressive when I feel hurt, however I can’t help but feel that I might be the issue and I should of just kept my mouth shut since she’s going through such a difficult time. However I spoke to my 27 year old brother who told me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I should ignore her when she’s like this.

OP you're absolutely in the right by standing up to her! That's brilliant that you're starting to assert yourself, especially since it sounds like you're very involved in caring for your grandparents. It can be hard to break out of that.

She's scapegoating you - I would recommend having a look at the Stately Homes threads here on the relationships board, it's mostly people who have suffered similar, but from parents mostly. It's a common dynamic, that you absolutely do not have to put up with. My grandmother was similar, I stopped visiting her when she went into care, I don't regret it.

To be honest, if anybody threatened to kill one of my pets, I'd be telling them to go fuck themselves and making arrangements to move into a house share immediately. They can do all the housework and deal with the bills themselves for that.

Now you are an adult I think it is time to leave this stifling home life.

Its not you, its your grandmother. Your brother is right, you did not do any wrong here.

No need to apologise to her and you won't get any sort of apology from her either. Emotionally healthy people do not readily threaten to kill pets nor do they go on about your weight all the bloody time. She likely has some forms of untreated, and untreatable, personality disorders. Again not your fault.

Controlling behaviour like your grandmother shows you is abusive behaviour and you are her scapegoat here for all her inherent ills. Its not your fault she is this way and you did not cause her to act that way either. Her own parents likely treated her abusively as a child and she in turn has decided to take out all the abuse and mistreatment at her onto you. Whatever, its still completely unacceptable a way to behave.

Where is your dad and or your grandad when she is shouting at you?. I would look into moving out asap. Walk away from this dysfunctional unit and reclaim your life.

This. You're young you need your own life

Is there any way you can move out OP? Find a flat share somewhere? I know she's your grandmother and she's probably done a lot for you, but you really don't deserve to be treated this way. The while situation sounds toxic. Do any of your family members stand up for you when she dishes out her abuse to you? I agree with the prevuous poster that if anyone threatened to kill my pet I'd unleash hell on them before cutting them out of my life.

Unfortunately this happened late tonight and my dad is a night shift worker and arrives at around 1-3am and my Grandpa on the other hand refused to get involved. My Grandma is definitely like this due to past trauma of demanding older siblings, whilst having no parents and living poorly in the Philippines. She’s usually a lovely lady who has taken care of me but becomes like this due to her restricting views and high perfectionism. I believe it has gotten a lot worse due to her inability to control what’s happening to her physically. I have been thinking about moving out eventually like my other siblings. Friends, siblings and partner have even offered me to stay with them for a bit to have a break but I feel terrible to leave my Grandpa with so much and not helping my Dad out who works constantly.

Unfortunately this happened late tonight and my dad is a night shift worker and arrives at around 1-3am and my Grandpa on the other hand refused to get involved. My Grandma is definitely like this due to past trauma of demanding older siblings, whilst having no parents and living poorly in the Philippines. She’s usually a lovely lady who has taken care of me but becomes like this due to her restricting views and high perfectionism. I believe it has gotten a lot worse due to her inability to control what’s happening to her physically. I have been thinking about moving out eventually like my other siblings. Friends, siblings and partner have even offered me to stay with them for a bit to have a break but I feel terrible to leave my Grandpa with so much and not helping my Dad out who works constantly.

Unfortunately this happened late tonight and my dad is a night shift worker and arrives at around 1-3am and my Grandpa on the other hand refused to get involved. My Grandma is definitely like this due to past trauma of demanding older siblings, whilst having no parents and living poorly in the Philippines. She’s usually a lovely lady who has taken care of me but becomes like this due to her restricting views and high perfectionism. I believe it has gotten a lot worse due to her inability to control what’s happening to her physically. I have been thinking about moving out eventually like my other siblings. Friends, siblings and partner have even offered me to stay with them for a bit to have a break but I feel terrible to leave my Grandpa with so much and not helping my Dad out who works constantly.

Unfortunately this happened late at night which is when my Dad works and my Grandpa refused to get involved. Her behaviour is most definitely from past trauma of demanding siblings, no parents and living poorly in the Philippines. I have been thinking about moving out soon when I’m more financially stable and friends, siblings and partner have even offered me to stay at theirs for a bit of a break. However, I feel terrible to leave all the baggage to my Grandpa who’s having it rough to. My grandma is usually very lovely however has become like this mostly due to her unable to accept she’s growing old and unable to control her medical complications (shes a perfectionist in life).

Sorry for all the same reply, unfortunately I was suffering from some technical issues ;;;

When my siblings are around they will stand up for me along with my Dad who understands the argument is going too far and I’m getting emotionally distressed. Unfortunately I don’t have the financial capacity get my own place and still love my family dearly but people have offered me to stay at theirs a bit for a break.

I definitely didnt’t take her comment well and even threatened to leave if she continued.

Thank you, I definitely was worried I did something wrong and with people telling me what I did was okay I feel a lot better. I’ll definitely look into your recommendation!

I do have a bit of sympathy for your grandma, she's getting on a bit and her home isn't her own. She's got her son and his adult kids living with her. I'd find that wearing, despite how much I love my kids. Then on top of that she's been going through a period of ill health. Sounds like she's not coping with the arrange and it's time for you and your dad to move out.

As for the birds, my first instinct was like others, outrage at the threat to your pets. But then I remember you said she's just had hearing aids fitted. Screaming birds and hearing aids do not go together. I'm not surprised she's at breaking point on that.

Yes I definitely do feel the same, unfortunately my Grandma has always leaned on my Dad and Grandpa for financial support so for us to move out would create financial chaos and she would be unsupported. Grandma is fine with us living together and even tries to stop me from even moving out. We aren’t great financially rn and do what we can to support each other. She’s usually lovely and is definitely experiencing a lot of stress due to medical issues she cant control. However, she’s always been a bit harsh due to her general personality and upbringing and today I was a bit hurt even though I understand her stress. We do what we can to support her through this tough time. My birds arent also usually that loud but seemed pretty distressed from the yelling.

OP, you are not responsible for your grandparents. You may feel sorry for your grandpa, but he is an adult too. The person responsible for him is him. That's true for all of us once we are adults.

Somehow you have been conditioned to believe all these older adults are your responsbility, despite the fact that your grandma treats you like sh*t and your grandpa doesn't stand up for you.

If is lovely that you show compassion towards your grandmother for her hard life as a girl and her difficulties now. But none of that gives her the right to be nasty to you. I bet you won't be nasty to your own children and grandchildren because of the way your grandma treats you, or because you start to suffer physical problems when you are older, will you? Of course not. Therefore, your grandmother's difficulties are no excuse whatsoever.

Standing up for yourself and moving out seems the obvious way to start to reclaim your life (and your money!). It will quite probably lead to a lot of nastiness to begin with. But you don't have to listen. You really don't. Talk some more to your brother, it wounds like he has a sensible view on the situation.

sounds like, sorry, typo there!

I don't think you should apologise. I think your grandmother went too far and you were right to pull her up on it.

I realise that things are difficult for both you and your grandparents, but your grandmother's behaviour is quite abusive. She may have health issues, and that isn't easy, but it doesn't give her carte blanche to bully you and threaten your birds.

Keep your eyes open for a way out. Perhaps take your siblings up on their offers.

Akimiee

Re your comment:

"Unfortunately this happened late at night which is when my Dad works and my Grandpa refused to get involved".

Awful of your granddad to not defend you but am not totally surpirsed he did not. He did not want to be on the receiving end of her abuse.

"Her behaviour is most definitely from past trauma of demanding siblings, no parents and living poorly in the Philippines"

They are reasons yes, but they are no excuse or justification for what has happened to you. She is using you as her personal scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

" I have been thinking about moving out soon when I’m more financially stable and friends, siblings and partner have even offered me to stay at theirs for a bit of a break".

Take up their offer. Move out asap and stay away from them altogether once you're out. These people are adults and can make their own decisions. If they don't or cannot that is not on you.

"However, I feel terrible to leave all the baggage to my Grandpa who’s having it rough too".

Perhaps but not half as rough as you and your grandpa is a bystander to you being verbally abused by his wife. He does not get crap comments about his weight seemingly all the time nor has he been on the receiving end of her threat to kill your pet birds.

"My grandma is usually very lovely however has become like this mostly due to her unable to accept she’s growing old and unable to control her medical complications (shes a perfectionist in life)".

Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. There will be a next time and her age/ill health/perfectionist tendencies (itself a problem) are no excuses either. Its not your problem that she is unable to accept growing old and has nothing to do either with she being a perfectionist in life.

She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. Her advancing years are no excuse.

I wouldn't apologize, I don't think you did anything wrong. I am sorry that you are living in such difficult circumstances and I wish you that it will get better.

But realize that you can't change other people. And even if other people want to change, it is really hard to do it successfully. I think I would probably leave the room when the grandmother gets so loud and mean. You don't have to listen to that.