My mum is dying and we don't speak

[PositiveMinds11]

I haven't spoke to my mum in about 2 years. I was previously depressed and hated my life. Since I gave up alcohol and turned my life around, I met a new partner and things are so amazing, we are due to marry next month. I feel so grateful for my my life now.

It all started when I decided to move house, an hour away from my mums area. She wasn't happy about it. She started trying to cause trouble for me , telling my ex partner( whom I share three children with) that my new partner wanted to beat him , (which is totally not true) .
Then when I actually moved, things got worse and she then was trying to turn my children against me, telling them, that I don't love them and only care about my new partner.
I had to cut her out my life because it got so toxic. My children do still visit her because their dad takes them there.
Now she has cancer and I don't know what to do. I sent her a text saying I know we don't get on, but I hope your feeling better soon ( something along those lines) , but I got no response. And she's now saying to my kids that , I'm not allowed to her funeral and her sisters will make sure of it.
I'm just wondering what the best course of action is because obviously, it's not nice when anyone dies, but she clearly doesn't want to make it right before she goes. Which makes me sad 😔

Being ever cynical here, but do you actually know for sure that she's terminally ill, as in, external proof, like she's actually in a hospice, or was it fed to you via a family member?

It's pretty common for manipulative people to exaggerate or even invent health conditions to draw someone back in to contact with them again.

So so hurtful. Your mum’s reaction could most likely be explained in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with you. I’m wondering whether you can try to concentrate on what you want to give to this situation/your mum (texts etc.) and try not to concentrate on what you get back incl. your mum’s behaviour. If you need to respond at all to the information coming back to you, eg via your kids, could you response be a calm ‘of course, it’s her choice’. Look after yourself.

I'm sorry about your Mum.

If she did die and you hadn't spoken/didn't go to the funeral how much would it impact you?

My father (well the whole family) fell out with his Mother, and as a consequence his 4 sisters. When their mother was dying nobody let me father know, and when there was a death announcement in the newspaper in the paper he was written out of it. For him the hurt was that his sisters made decisions about whether he and his mother could make some sort of peace before she died but fundamentally the fall out was too big for a reconciliation so he was ok with it.

If you've tried to make contact, and your mother hasn't responded I think you have made an initial step and its now up to her. If she continues to be toxic and steadfast in her approach there is little you can do but perhaps you might consider writing a letter so that you can say what you need to (or say goodbye) - whether she reads it or not is again her choice.

She does not want to put anything right and neither has the empathy or insight to do so. I was also thinking along the lines theoriginalclownfish has written about. How were you told about this?.

Why has your ex taken his children to see your mother at all?. He does not seem at all reliable a person (are he and your mother very similar to each other re how they behave?). If a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its actually the same deal for the kids too.

I just wanted to send you lots of hugs, OP.

Unfortunately, with some parents, whatever you do never seems to ‘ultimately‘work. I read that one of the hallmarks of such emotionally immature parents is that nothing is ever really “resolved”. That really struck a chord. They cannot have an adult conversation about what they have done in their relationship with you. They must blame, deny, distract, withdraw, misrepresent, attack, or smear. Sometimes several responses at once.

I think all we can do is try, and when that doesn’t work to let go in some way. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. There are no easy answers but it sounds like you dealt with, or are dealing with it, as best you can and isn’t that all we can hope or expect of ourselves in the circumstances .