Father in law a grade a t***

[BlueMumma2018]

Does anyone else’s husband have a strained, yet close relationship with their father?

since we have been together I have gotten to know this man and know he is a complete narcissist. Him and my husband have had lots of arguments (usually where FIL is completely out of order) where I have become so invested in supporting my husband and getting so upset by it myself.

They always end up talking again and everything’s Rosie in the garden. My mother in law is always in the middle but usually sides with her husband. Our child is really close to them so it’s hard for me to get my head around the constant up and down of it all. It’s put a strain on our relationship in the past where I’m always counselling my husband about it etc. I don’t feel that cutting them out of our life is possible because it’s not MIL fault other than she sides with him. Our child would be devastated.

long and short of it is how do you deal with this type of dysfunctional family situation when it’s your in laws?

Yes to your question - my partner (not married but together for 13 years so for the sake of this thread I'll call his father FIL) is close to his narcissistic, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, brexit voting, utter cunt of a father...even though he agrees that he is all of the above.

Of course as a French/Australian, twice divorced Catholic woman his father thinks I'm the worst thing ever. I cope with having nothing to do with my inlaws, but that's easy for me as I'm 54, live 200 miles away from them and have no children with my partner (in fact at all) so there's no need for me to have any sort of relationship with them. A good one would be a bonus, but it's not happened, not likely to happen. I've come to terms with that now, I've been lucky enough not to see them for 8 years.

In your situation I would let your husband deal with his parents on his own. That would include him visiting on his own with your child. Obviously if your inlaws are abusive about you in front of your child I would be totally no contact with them.

@noirchatsdeux hi, yes my FIL is all of the above aswell. That’s amazing that you have been able to put this boundary in place. I feel like if it wasn’t for our child we would cut them out (mother in law adores child, not us). The whole thing is such a headache.
we stop speaking for a few months and then they worm back in with grandiose gestures and being sorry without saying it. Then, like yesterday, he blows up at my husband again over nothing and I’m like what the hell is this! As with a lot of narcs there is no way of talking things through as they are always right..

BlueMumma2018

I would urge you to keep your child also well away from your FIL and his enabler in the shape of his wife; these people are not emotionally safe enough to be at all around. People like your FIL cannot do relationships and always need a willing enabler to help them; this is his wife and she cannot be trusted nor relied upon either.

These people never ever apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your H may want to keep up a relationship with them both (and it is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist like his dad) but it does not follow that either you or your child have to do so. I would also not encourage him to take your child to them again because they are not emotionally safe enough. They will use their free time and money to try and win your DCs heart and mind and your child too is a ready made source of supply for someone like his grandad. Your child will not realise he/she is being manipulated here and he/she will be harmed in not too dissimilar ways as to how your now husband has been harmed.

If you are bad mouthed by them your H will likely sit there and say nothing to defend you; he has really been conditioned by his father in particular to believe the sky will fall in if he is upset or upsets them. Look at the harm they've done to your now H; this man is deep in a FOG state (fear, obligation and guilt) re them. He needs therapy like yesterday frankly, at the very least he needs to be reading "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown. You could read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. If these people cannot behave civilly or decently none of you should be seeing them.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend; I would be asking both of you this question. And I would think in both cases the answer would be no. Your job here, as is his, is to protect your child from such malign influences.

If your parents are nice, and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your resources on them going forward.

@AttilaTheMeerkat hi! Thanks for your generous reply.

your words have opened my eyes a bit. My MIL is wonderful with our child. She is attentive, involved and very loving. This has made the situation more complex as if it wasn’t for that it would be a different story. You have made a good point about the future though, I don’t want our child to be influenced or manipulated in any way by things that are said around there. They’re too young to understand right now.

coming from a single parent family I have found it hard to understand how this whole thing works as I have separate relationships with my parents. I get on ok with one part of the couple but despise the other. I’ve tried to be fair in keeping a relationship going with MIL but it’s true she is an enabler..