Hoarding.....

[StarbucksQueen]

My male widowed friend is hoarding. His wife died 6yrs ago. They were fortunate enough not to have any financial worries, and he lives in a relatively large house. His double garage has always been full, a lot of it from a hobby he enjoys, but also other 'just in case' stuff. These things are now creeping into the house. Not much of the stuff has any connection to his wife - it could be empty yoghurt pots, many years worth of a magazine he subscribes to, and clothes.. there are more clothes than I could mention, all new, never worn, packed in suitcases as the wardrobes are all full. He is still coming to terms with his loss, but found bereavement counselling unhelpful, and refuses to see the doctor. He has no family support, and the dog that he got 2yrs ago - after never owning a pet - has become his whole life. I want to help with the hoarding, he accepts there is a problem, but taking the step to do something about it is more difficult. Any advice would be really helpful.

I am in a slightly similar position with a family member.

I am sorry to say I don't have much advice but in my case this person's self-care is obviously suffering and they are showing signs of depression in addition to hoarding.

We are at a loss at to what to do. We booked in cleaners but they wouldn't let them in. So we have decided to break it down into small jobs / tasks to try and improve their state of mind in the hope that we might then be able to tackle the house once they are mentally in a better place?

It is so hard because it is ultimately their choice.

@NoPrivateSpy.. thank you - you're right, it is ultimately their choice. At the moment it's a bit like just keeping your head above water before sinking completely.
Luckily personal hygiene is good. We did clear out a cupboard at the weekend only to discover a complete Harrods dinner service in perfect condition that he'd forgotten he even had... I think room by room is the way to go, but gradually- don't think there is a quick fix...

Does anyone remember the 'eating the elephant in chunks' thread from some time ago? really well written and empathetic.

Here they are:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/housekeeping/3335997-Please-will-you-kindly-support-and-advise-me-as-I-try-to-help-a-friend-sort-out-his-home?page=1

www.mumsnet.com/talk/housekeeping/4308420-Please-will-you-kindly-support-and-advise-me-as-I-try-to-help-a-friend-sort-out-his-home-THREAD-2?page=1

Would urge you to educate yourself far more regarding hoarding.

What help realistically can you offer here?. Maintain your boundaries and set yourself limits. Your own mental health is important too. If he is not actually ready and willing to accept help there is not much you can personally do here.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/

Thank you so much for the links to the threads. I've read a couple of pages - some good advice, and reminders about how difficult this can be. I work part time, and can offer help and support - currently he does want to get on top of stuff, but wants to look at things individually rather than dumping things in large quantities... think it will be a marathon rather than a sprint :)

If he's suffering hoarding disorder, having a clear-out won't have a long-term effect. He'll need MH support.

@StarbucksQueen just watch any documentary on hoarding.
They all Want* *to look at everything individually, it's a way of slowing things down and controlling the process.
It will be a thankless task for you if you take it on.
Think very carefully.

A close relative is a hoarder. They gathered so much stuff that eventually they could not get into their bathroom, a problem they solved by joining a gym and using it to shower. Then the pandemic came and we (eventually) managed to clear a path to the bathroom with similar sentiments to those expressed by your friend. Guess what’s happened since the pandemic ended?

I was way out of my depth and had no idea of how deep rooted a psychological disorder it was. My counsellor friend always gets heartsink with hoarder clients because it’s so unlikely that anything he does will help.

don’t overcommit yourself OP

This. Even with years of therapy, the success rate is something like 10%.

If it is significant hoarding your local fire and rescue service will want to know. Commiting fire crews to hoarded properties is highly risky and if they know they are heading to a hoarded property it will help the crews to prepare, if hoarding is extreme it can change the structural integrity of parts of properties. They also may be offer support ensure there is adequate smoke detection etc. Hoarding is often a manifestation of a mental health condition or trauma response. It is important to manage everyone's expectations as it is rarely an easy or quick fix.

Invent a friend or relative who is looking for a large supply of yogurt pots, plastic trays etc. They run a charity allotment (or something else you can invent) and need lots of containers to grow seeds in.

If this person thinks that the items are going to a good home and will be re-used, they might be able to let go.

You can then bag a load up and take it away... never to be seen again.