Struggling with my mum

[Crystaly]

my mum is very unstable and unreliable. She’s a hypochondriac and her life revolves around her doctor appointments and A&E visits. So much so she’s been told by A&E that she is wasting their time.

she will call me up to announce her newest Illness in the hope for attention. Do I give her it or simply ignore. I’m struggling. She doesn’t work and is simply bored and lonely.

lastest news she calls me up to announce she’s moving house. Again. She only moved 3 months ago. Bought and sold. Thousands spent on lawyers redecorating. She’s going to run out of money as she as no income. Just the equity in her house. She constantly makes poor decisions.

how Should I react? Let her get on with it or try to talk her round?

What, if anything, do you know about her childhood because that often gives clues.

Is your dad still in your life, I ask only as he is not mentioned.

This is the disordered of thinking behaviour of someone who is not merely lonely and bored. You have to protect yourself here by no longer being her sounding off board because you are also struggling. What are your boundaries like here re your mother?. Consider these too.

My mum and dad are divorced. He was physically and mentally abusive to her. Her childhood whilst she never complains was difficult. Too many children in a very small home - no money. So not a positive experience I imagine.

growing up she almost encouraged sickness in me. Any time I was sick I got smothered in love and attention. Sadly I ended up with operations I didn’t need and things removed from my body due to her persistence. I would never ever admit this however or approach it. I believe she genuinely believes she was doing the right thing.

now I’m older, her obsession for illness is purely on herself. She has had many unnecessary operations. It seems unbelievable but if you push and push the doctors will prescribe/operate.

she regularly calls me with a new ailment. It is announced in a very meek way. I’ll be at work and she’ll call me and say “please don’t worry, I didn’t want to call but I felt I needed to - I’m in hospital with a suspected stroke.” I genuinely feel like she thinks I will drop everything and run to her bedside. But when I don’t she will simply return home and the suspected stroke will turn out not to be a stroke and no reason for her numb arm found. It’s always things which cannot always be proven. Who knows if she really had a numb arm. I can’t exactly accuse her of lying. I generally just don’t make too much of a big deal.

after her suspected stroke she said she was advised not to drive. I couldn’t help her out to the level she wanted. Driving her everywhere so she soon got over it and started driving herself places.

The house move has just tipped me over the edge. She announced she was moving away last year. 150 miles away. When it didn’t lead to me jumping to be by her side and convince her otherwise - she changed her mind and simply moved to a nearby town.

3 months later she calls me again - 5 times - so I assume something is wrong. 11pm at night as I’m getting ready to sleep. Hello, I don’t want to worry you but I wanted to tell you because it’s happening. I’m moving back to *insert nearby town she just moved from 3 months ago.

I felt like crying but I just said “ok good for you let me know how it goes”. She spoke on video call and didn’t open her eyes once. She looked completely out of it.

she doesn’t sleep either. No structure or routine. Doses on her couch on and off.

Thanks for replying. I need a sounding board as I go between feeling like an awful daughter who doesn’t care to being in despair at how unstable she is.

I would turn your phone off at night and or block her means of she being able to contact you.

Have you ever read about Munchausen by proxy?.

You cannot do anything about your mother's personality disorders and disordered way of thinking and reality. You've suffered abuse at her hands since childhood and you do not owe her anything, let alone a relationship here.

OP,
I'm sure you've heard the expression "you can chose your friends but you can't choose your family"?

That may well be true but what you can choose is not to engage with disordered individuals who are dragging you down.
Unless your mother is detained under the Deprivation of Liberty legislation, she's deemed to be competent to make her own decisions.
There may be experiences in her past that cause her to act like she does but they are not your problem.
You aren't her counsellor or psychologist.

Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to make your life a misery.

And, yes, I've been in a similar situation. The best day of my life was when I cut contact with a narcissistic, abusive mother.

The thing is I don’t think she is intentionally abusive. She can be the most loving caring mum and tried her best for me.

my dad on the other hand is 100% abusive, narcissistic and self centred.

it’s difficult cos if I were to cut any of them out it wouldn’t be my mum as she’s the least harmful.

I distance myself now and sometimes struggle to know if I’m being a terrible daughter for doing so.

my sister wants to call her doctor to advise of her irrational behaviour. She has been diagnosed with many conditions - mental and physical. But not sure if speaking to her doctor would help or if it’s even possible

You seem to view your parents in quite a black and white way. So whereas you say your Mum is loving and caring, whereas your Dad was abusive, you have also said that your Mum was obsessed with any illness you had and as a consequence you got operations you didn't need. That is pretty messed up OP. I don't think you need to cut your Mum out of your life, but I do think you need to understand very clearly that you are not responsible for her or how she feels. She does sound like she is on a destructive path and it seems like you can see this, so I think it's a good idea that you can state both to yourself and to her quite clearly what you are prepared to offer in terms of both practical and emotional support. Switch your phone off at night and be less available.

I love them both deeply. They are both kind but unless you have lived with a physically and mentally abusive father then it’s hard to describe. I am pretty black and white about them as my mum fled to a homeless unit with us and tried her best despite her mental Illness. My dad on the other hand didn’t. And although she encouraged sickness and felt in her element when she was caring for me when sick - I believe she genuinely felt like she was doing her best and caring for me. At the time I didn’t know any better

So yes she can both be selfish and troubled but kind and caring. It’s difficult to describe unfortunately

My DM is similar, OP. She fetishises all things medical and it's kind of her love language (or attention language might be more accurate).

I always described my DM as "a bit Munchausen by proxy", until someone on MN mentioned health anxiety by proxy, which fits my childhood situation so much better, because my DM wasn't exactly lying or pretending about the things she felt were wrong with me - I think she genuinely believed the things she was pushing doctors to investigate and was projecting her extreme anxiety onto me. Hers was rooted in her own upbringing, too.

She has lots of issues. I try to keep her at arm's length these days, and my life is consequently far less stressful.

Also, I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson very helpful in shedding some light on her behaviour and my reactions to it.

Before I read that, I think I was focussing too heavily on what caused her to be that way and whether it was a MH disorder or because of her childhood, etc. But that book was helpful as it cuts straight to the behaviour without too much focus on the root cause, which is super helpful for the children searching for answers and guidance on how to read and understand their parents' behaviour (and address their own guilt, etc).

Thanks I’ll check that book out!

I think your mother needs to see a psychiatrist...if she is not seeing one already.

Exactly this. It's a form of emotional abuse and manipulation, the poster would do well to distance herself from this toxic "mother" of hers. Some people don't deserve the gift of parenthood.