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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to take it slow

44 replies

seadoo · 18/08/2022 07:08

I became friends with a man in April. About 6 weeks ago we started speaking everyday as an incident in our friendship group brought us closer. He has messaged me "Your welcome, your an attractive lady with an interesting personality, and I am really enjoying getting to know you at a slow pace. Although I think I would be too much for you 😆"

Now, he has told me all about his past which he has had lots of relationships he jumped into and some of the outcomes were horrific. He is clearly traumatised by it. Twice in person he has told me he does want to meet someone but has walls up. After his history it's understandable he is guarded. I do like this guy and completely agree for both of our benefits we should get to know each other slowly as many years ago I rushed into something which was not a good idea.

Is it best to move on as I don't want to be hanging around for someone who could be just passing the time with no real intention of having a relationship with myself of anyone? I don't want to be in the same position in another 6 weeks of still being friends and it's not going anywhere.

OP posts:
velvetpeach · 18/08/2022 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CheekyHobson · 18/08/2022 10:26

In my experience, the quiet, standoffish ones who have a poor-me story about how all their exes were crazy and/or abused them are covert abusers themselves and if you get involved with him in a few months or years you’ll be a brown woman who joins his list of “crazy, abusive” exes.

He has literally warned you off by telling you he’ll be too much for you. For god’s sake, take him seriously.

CheekyHobson · 18/08/2022 10:26

A broken woman

Thornethorn · 18/08/2022 10:30

How rude, velvetpeach. If the OP wanted her threads linked she could have done that herself or used the same username.

Haven't you got better things to do.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/08/2022 10:31

If a man warns you that a relationship with them would be problematic, believe it.
Red flags all over him!

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 10:41

DelphiniumBlue · 18/08/2022 10:31

If a man warns you that a relationship with them would be problematic, believe it.
Red flags all over him!

Yes
I nearly tried to be friends with someone who sounds like this guy

embarrassing but I was a bit desperate for friends at the time.

anyway, my feeling of unease was the one I followed and I'm sure it was the right thing

because he told me later he didn't believe men and women could be friends!

Animalism · 18/08/2022 11:07

Nah keep looking. It's the line about 'I'd be too much for you'. Making his excuses already for treating you poorly or messing you about. If you're happy being platonic friends then let him know that.

rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo · 18/08/2022 11:10

Life is much simpler when you know how simple men are when it comes to attraction.

It's so simple it hurts.

If they want to be in a relationship with you they leave zero ambiguity.

Zero.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 18/08/2022 11:15

DelphiniumBlue · 18/08/2022 10:31

If a man warns you that a relationship with them would be problematic, believe it.
Red flags all over him!

Agree. What is the one common denominator in all his abusive relationships? Him. He’s either subconsciously picking and staying women that abuse him because drama is his default setting, his familiarity zone. Or it’s DARVO and he’s the abuser. Either way, run.

Lobelia123 · 18/08/2022 11:16

This guy would send me hurtling for the nearest exit. He sounds like a real plonker - self absorbed and pretentious. I dont like that hes had so many dramatic, traumatic and erratic relationships - enyone can meet a nutter, but his past is littered with so many dramas and scenes, and he seems to be the innocent victim in every one....something is off there. I wouldnt waste my time. The last straw for me would be the fishing for interest....youre attractive...but could you handle me....taking it slow etc etc - it just sounds like bait and like he plays mind games. Lifes too short for this kind of meaningless crap.

Suzi888 · 18/08/2022 11:16

Seriously? Run for the hills. 'I'd be too much for you?' And most of his exes were abusive?? Right.

Nah.

^ everything here. He’s basically warning you he’s a nightmare.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/08/2022 11:32

Monday55 · 18/08/2022 07:52

He is letting you down gently.

He's the one with the issues, not the OP. He seems odd. I'd not get involved with him at all, just say hello if I happened to meet him on a night out.

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2022 12:22

Run! Run like the wind!

Of course it's possible he has an abusive ex
..but 2?! And why the fuck is he telling you all this when he hasn't so much as taken you out for dinner. He's setting you up to be 'domestic abuser number 3' for thr next womans sob story.

Google up 'vulnerable narcissist'.
Bet my ass he is one of them.

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 12:35

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2022 12:22

Run! Run like the wind!

Of course it's possible he has an abusive ex
..but 2?! And why the fuck is he telling you all this when he hasn't so much as taken you out for dinner. He's setting you up to be 'domestic abuser number 3' for thr next womans sob story.

Google up 'vulnerable narcissist'.
Bet my ass he is one of them.

Thanks, the link is interesting
it relates to someone I work with

interesting to see it mentions accountability - I don't think this guy I work has any sense of that, so maybe he's just a narcissist.

OP even if he likes you, sometimes it's a great idea not to go there!

SquirrelSoShiny · 18/08/2022 18:01

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2022 12:22

Run! Run like the wind!

Of course it's possible he has an abusive ex
..but 2?! And why the fuck is he telling you all this when he hasn't so much as taken you out for dinner. He's setting you up to be 'domestic abuser number 3' for thr next womans sob story.

Google up 'vulnerable narcissist'.
Bet my ass he is one of them.

It's funny isn't it? How once you see them they all use versions of the same playbook 🤦‍♀️🙄 I almost delight in spotting them in the wild now 😁

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 19:52

Is it part of the playbook to say weird shit like "you have a lovely energy"?

though to be fair a local lady said that to me in a group pub night and we are quite friendly now. I don't think she's a narc...

Pinkbonbon · 18/08/2022 19:59

Hmm...not necessarily..
unless its them thinking aloud to themselves and omitting the (Im going to suck you dry) part lol. Overcomplimenting can be part of love bombing though.

Defo watch out for that look...the one that just is so intense and holds your gaze though. We mistake it for them being entranced but actually it's more like they're a shark that's just seen dinner. A sorta...hyper focus.If you fancy them it can give you mad butterflies. But really, people probably shouldn't be looking at you like that on date one over some coffee lol.

Thelnebriati · 18/08/2022 20:11

🚩 ''All my exes were crazy''.
🚩''I would be too much for you'' is a hook, he's fishing for a woman who will try to prove his problems won't be too much for her to handle.
Is he demanding you make an effort now, so that later on sunk cost fallacy will keep you with him longer than you want?

EmmaH2022 · 18/08/2022 20:13

Pink oh my first real boyfriend did that - but we knew each other by sight from school. He wasn't the same year though.

those were happier, more innocent times!

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