Partner who won't communicate reasonably

[Tiredandconfused123]

Although I am a mum, I am possibly too old to be on mumsnet being 67 (a very young at heart 67!) but hoping to get some insight from others into my situation.
I have been in a relationship for 10 years with a man who often acts in a ridiculously childish manner that, when he's being logical, knows is not acceptable. It generally happens when I disagree with him (often over a trivial point), and rather than discuss the issue, he reacts in this way. We have discussed this many a time and over the years a pattern has developed that he'll be happy, fun, attentive, and enthusiastic about our life together (we live separately) but then suddenly something would trigger a negative attitude and he goes into these rages or huffs, followed by walking out and going silent. It's always me who makes the first move to resolve things.
My partner comes from a very chaotic family background. His father was abusive towards his mother and I know his actions are learned behaviour. However, I struggle to understand how an intelligent man can continue to behave like this.
On this latest occasion, I have waited longer than normal to approach him to set things right again as I am tired of this childish behaviour. I have told him how upset, sad and disappointed I get when this happens and that his actions are verging on abuse. He apologises, yet I know it will happen again. He is a good, kind man otherwise but tends to often lack empathy.
At my age I am afraid of throwing away what have been 10 years of mostly fun and great life experiences with this man. I feel I should stick it out and wait for him to come round this time but a past relationships ended for me by dong this so I have to admit I am scared of being alone again, especially at my age. I really do care for him but I am tired of always being the mender of our relationship. He says he wants to die with me and we are partners for life. We are not young and agree we want to make the most of our life together, therefore I get so confused when this happens. Advice would be gratefully received.

It's unlikely he's going to change, this works for him. I'd say it is emotionally abusive.

Better alone than badly accompanied?

I'd certainly stop chasing him and try to disengage from the cycle. Let him come back on his own account.

Maybe it's worth dipping your toe in the dating scene next time he huffs off, see what's out there?

Would you consider seeking couples counselling together? I'd say you would be ideal candidates, as you're looking for help about a specific issue related to communication - child's play for a good counsellor!

You mentioned his abusive background. Assuming that's relevant.

What things is he getting worked up over?

Is this a case of hun being completely incoherent and can't take any disagreement, or is this a scenario where something is bothering him and he's frustrated?

It's sort of hard for me to judge with no examples. If they're simple trivial things, could you recall some to give perspective?

It sounds like you’ve been putting up with this shit for 10 years so why does it suddenly bother you op? You know what you signed up for and it hasn’t changed; isn’t going to change - the only person who can change your situation is you

I think as others have said - tell him this time is the last time and explain how it negatively affects you. If it happens again then don’t contact him. You need to break the cycle and if he won’t/can’t then it’s up to you to.

Youre not old - I’m 65 and do OLD. There’s plenty of really nice guys out there!

Unfortunately, he is not incentivised to change because every single time he does it, you let it go. And in my experience with men like this, every single time it happens, another small piece of you is chipped away as another topic of conversation or another activity or another opinion becomes one you have to hide because of the risk he'll blow up. Before you know it, your life has shrunk and you're a shell of your former self. It might already be happening and you just haven't realised.

So walk away. If you really can't do that, give him an ultimatum - that if this happens again you will walk away. But that only works if you mean it.

He knows you'll always 'chase' him as that's what you've always done. He's not going to change because he doesn't need to. You need to change the pattern; stop chasing him when he has a strop. Leave it until he contacts you. If he doesn't - well, that's how much he values the relationship. He no doubt would be in touch when it became clear you weren't following the usual pattern and that's when you need to make it clear that this behaviour stops NOW or you're out.

You deserve to be in a relationship with another adult who is capable of proper communication. He's effectively 'punishing' you for doing whatever it is he doesn't like, disagreeing with him or whatever. You're not a child, you're his equal and he'd needs to understand that this punishment no longer leads to him getting his own way and you toeing the line.

I agree with @Triffid1 , you need to set a boundary. It might not have to be as harsh as '1 more time and I'm leaving', but you might want to start asserting your needs more, by telling him that you can't continue indefinitely like this.

However, I struggle to understand how an intelligent man can continue to behave like this

You're equating emotions with intelligence. But we all know what it's like to see red, or to not be able to stop feeling sad/angry/upset, despite knowing there's no need to. Emotional regulation is often difficult for adult survivors of childhood abuse.

That's not to say that you should put up with it though. Your boundaries are yours, regardless of anybody else's history or behaviour. He needs to know he won't be able to stay with you if he keeps this up, and he needs to take responsibility for working out a way to stop it happening.

Thank you all so very much for your replies...I didn't expect such an amazing response and all with so much thought and consideration. Thank you! I want to reply individually but pushed for time at the moment.
You all have really confirmed my thoughts and instincts. It is good to know I haven't been wrong and, as I knew in my heart of hearts, this is abusive behaviour and I have been looking for excuses.
I always have a plan B in the back of my head, one being, as Category12 suggested, seeing who else is out there. I just takes such a long time though to form a relationship but, as RachelRasper suggested, 67 isn't that old!
I DO have to set boundaries (thank you Watchkeys and Triffid1)....I thought I had but if that doesn't work and if I suggest counselling (thank you ChloeKelly) and he's not interested, then I will be moving on once and for all.
You are right Shoxfordian, 10 years is a long time!
Joon..... I want an adult not a child, so thank you for that!
Oke.... there is a pattern to what makes him blast off. Usually when I challenge him on things that are to me obvious. In fact, things that REALLY are obvious which results in him changing directing and arguing about what I said rather than the subject. I know this is typical abusive behaviour. I'll have to get over trying to 'sort' him and hoping he'll see the way he behaves is ridiculous.
You have all helped me to see things much more clearly and I'm feeling much more empowered. Life is too short to put up with nonsense!
I will look at your suggestions and comments whenever I need a boost!

So glad to hear you're feeling more empowered now @Tiredandconfused123 . We've all been in that position of just needing to run something past someone else (or several someone elses) just to help us gain perspective. Whilst I hope he sees that his behavious is immature - these men often don't, sadly.

Good luck with moving forward!

Thank you!