Telling male friend with feelings about new BF

[hugefanofcheese]

I have a lovely new boyfriend, really happy getting to know him and it's going well. All great.

In short, what would be the kindest way of letting a valued male friend who has developed quite strong feelings for you know that you have a new BF? We met OLD a few years ago but no romantic history apart from meeting that way. We never kissed/ held hands etc.

Maybe mention casually by text and see how he responds?

I don't want to back off from him completely but am not sure about how to maintain the friendship in an appropriate way knowing how he feels and with the fact that his visits to me usually involve a night on my sofa due to distance. In all.honesty, I'm not sure I have handled similar situations brilliantly in the past hence asking.

Mention it like you would to any other friend. His feelings are not your responsibility. I also don't understand why he's staying overnight at your house.

Text is a good idea as he can process away from you either that or changing status on fb or posting photos with new man. Hopefully he will get the message.

This is going to sound harsh, but you met a guy on OLD and became friends because you didn't have romantic interest but he did? And he comes over and stays on your sofa ?

I think the kindest thing would be to let him know about your new BF via text and then let him go as a friend (let it fizzle out). Whether conscious on your part or not, this friend won't get his own real relationship while he is having feelings for you and hoping your friendship progresses.

Is it possible that you have strung him along a bit while you were single? It's nice for your ego probably having someone who finds you attractive and is your friend. It's not really nice for him though is it? The fact you met on a dating site means he probably thinks he's in with a chance?

Pp says his feelings aren't your responsibility but I think you do have responsibility for your own behaviour and consider if there's any chance you have used him or given him mixed messages.

The fact you're worried about how he'll react days a lot. It's not a healthy friendship.

Feels like you want to have your cake and eat it - keep a man close who obviously wants more with you and have your lovely boyfriend. That'll be a difficult apple cart.

Prepare to lose any romantic partner unless you bit distance between this friend. The boundaries between you and him are all over the place.

He fancies you and sleeps round yours? This needs to be put on the back burner, if not squashed entirely. It's not a friendship if he wants to get with you, come on.

I'd be more worried about telling the new boyfriend about this friend!

Thanks everyone, I genuinely haven't been trying to string him along or keep him as a placeholder whilst I've been single. I totally understand why that might be the impression from this brief post but never my intention. I've been really clear with him that I see him as a friend, and am open to that but no more. Basically that it's been in his court whether to stay friends as I get it's not what he wants in full. We get on well as people and I didn't get the impression when we met that he was keen, more that we got on well so stayed in touch and this has developed for him.

The overnighters have been because I moved a few hours away. A bit far for a day trip for him. When I'm in his city (my old city), I've stayed elsewhere and just met him for a drink or lunch etc. He's always been on the sofa, no confusion there. I take the point about this maybe not being helpful for him but I've always been clear, as well as encouraging his dating. It's been his choice to remain friends accepting that I don't share his feelings.

I don't think these overnight trips will continue now I have a BF. That wouldn't feel appropriate.

It is blurred boundaries having a platonic friend stay overnight. Sorry op but you shouldn't have done that in the first place. Let this friendship go.

I don't see any issues with a platonic friend staying over night.

I do think it's hard to have a genuine friendship when one party wants more, and in these cases it's best to maintain a distance. (The one with feelings always says they're OK just being friends but it's just a way of hanging on and prevents them moving on/letting go.)

Presumably you message your friend so just drop the new boyfriend into conversation as you would anyone else. You can use that as an excuse to put more distance between you.

It’s not an appropriate friendship. He isnt your friend. He is waiting for a romantic / physical relationship. This isnt someone you should keep around. It isnt healthy.

Came here to say this.

Also I don’t know that I’d be thrilled if my new partner had a friend they’d met on OLD who had feelings for them, tbh.

You do actually need to back away from this friendship completely. It sounds like this man’s fallen in love with you, and no matter how ‘clear you’ve made your feelings’ he’s hanging round in the hopes that one day these feelings will be reciprocated. It’s one thing being friends but keeping him at arms length, just going out in groups/minimal contact etc. But having him over, going on what kind of sound like dates and then having him sleep over is beyond blurring the lines a bit. You must know a lines been crossed when you’re scared to tell a ‘friend’ about a new boyfriend because you know it will break his heart.

I think everyone is right. I wouldn't mind my BF having a platonic friend he happened to meet OLD, if they'd had stuff in common but no attraction, but if she was pining after him that wouldn't sit well with me. I suppose I saw this chap as a friend first who had happened to get stronger feelings (I assumed briefly as he is looking to meet someone actively) and knew it was all innocent from my side. I'll not fade him out, but let him know at least that I've met someone and there certainly won't be any more overnight stays or meetings with just us two.