Called my aunt mother, but now regretting it!

[gingerbread188]

Quite a long story but I'll try condense it as much as I can. I'm a Male [21] and my father died when I was 4. My parents were separated before he died. I took my uncle - my father's brother, as a father figure and called him dad, since he was there for me since then. He is married to a woman since before I was born, and my mother and her didn't really get along. Uncle's wife was very unpleasant to my mother, but because I called my uncle dad, I started calling his wife mum out of respect. Not only that, but whenever I visited my uncle and saw his nuclear family with his wife, I felt quite left out and wanted to be part of it. My mother wasn't happy with me calling my aunt-in law mum, but she tolerated it.

When I started to grow older, she started to tell me reasons why she and my uncle's wife disliked each other (they are civil now though). Uncle's wife was very impolite to my mum in many ways and always used to make my uncle pick between her and his family. I knew about this but still called her mother, but then a while ago, my mother revealed that aunt-in-law had been instrumental in the split between my parents before my dad died. I was gutted and since then I've been re-evaluating calling her mum. Firstly because the more I grow older, the more I really value and love my mother and realise that you only have one mother. I also find it weird to call another woman mother who never really did much for me in life, secondly, she was partly responsible for the split between my parents, which could've meant I would've had siblings and my father possibly be alive (but who knows).

I've told my mother that I want to stop calling my aunt-in-law mother, and she's advising me to do what I wish but is happy that I've come to the realisation that it's weird. Even though aunt-in law was a right cow to my mother and me when I was younger, she really values me calling her mother (she has three kids btw), and it's something that I've done since I was 6/7. I don't want to hurt her feelings and keep calling my uncle dad and then her aunty. I feel like I'm going to be subjected to calling her mother forever even though I don't want to. But I'm very stuck. I've been finding alternative names for mother but can't find any. I've posted this here because its a mum forum and I feel like this would be understood better here.

Don't call her anything, just drop the Mum name.

Make the decision and call her what you want, you are way over egging it.

Sorry you lost your father so young.
My advice is to call your aunt by her first name.
It's what most people do in a step-parent situation and that's kind of what she is to you (as your uncle is a father figure and she's his wife).

Call her by her name? What a fuss.

You sound so confused. Please give yourself lots of kindness- you stated this as a 4 year old child when your whole world was shaken. It’s really understandable that you were looking for a safe family unit.

I think that now you are 21 it’s perfectly fine to say that as you have grown older you have decided to call your Aunt as
Aunt Name or even just her name.

Do you still want to call your uncle dad or would you be able to start calling him Uncle?

You sound like a lovely person, OP. It’s good that you care about your mother’s feelings, but don’t want to hurt your aunt’s either.

Can you switch to calling both your uncle and aunt by just their first names, now that you are an adult too? It’s very normal. Most of my sisters’ adult children stopped calling me aunty some time around your age.

Importantly, keep letting your real mother know how much you love her and appreciate all she has done for you.

If you wanted to use some form of "mother" for both, there are ways. Same-sex couples with children work it out with things like Mum and Mama (Mom, Mommy, Mam, Muv, Moth, or go international with Mutti, Mami, Maman, Mamusia, Mater, etc.) - you're probably a bit old to start with some of these, but you get the idea. Or go the route of the '80s sitcom My Two Dads, where Nicole addressed and referred to each dad as "Dad" and collectively as "(my) Dads", but used "Michael Dad" and "Joey Dad" when she needed to be specific.

It sounds though that you don't really want to call your aunt mother at all now that your feelings have changed and you have more information about your family history and relationships. In that case I'd just use the transition to adulthood to switch to using her first name - maybe do the same for your uncle if you're comfortable with that, if you think she'd notice being singled out and be hurt by it?

Don't call your uncle, dad and his wife, mum anymore. I agree it's werid, they are not your parents. Just call them by their names.

It sounds like you were very small and in a traumatic situation after your dad's death when you started calling your uncle 'dad'. It doesn't sound like your aunt was really a mother figure to you. You were a little child casting around for stability. Now you're an adult and want to reserve the parental title for your actual mum whom it sounds like you care about a lot. That is absolutely fine. Your aunt might value you calling her 'mum' but she has 3 kids of her own and will still be their mum so she isn't losing that. It's not really about her anyway although it's nice that you care about everyone's feelings. It's about you.

I'd just stop calling her 'mum' and him 'dad'. First names are fine so you don't have to say aunt and uncle. If they query it then just explain that you appreciate them being in your life but prefer just using those names for your real parents, including your late dad, now that you're an adult. They should understand and not make it about themselves.

Shame people aren't more truthful. I must admit to getting confused about your real mother's whereabouts.

My almost-grown kids, and my nieces and nephews, all just call me by my first name. No Mum or Aunty here any more.

You sound lovely OP, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m sorry about the loss of your Dad

I’d echo others who suggest you call your aunt, and maybe your uncle too, by their first name. Maybe say to them that now you’re an adult it seems more appropriate.

she was partly responsible for the split between my parents, which could've meant I would've had siblings and my father possibly be alive (but who knows).
What on earth does this mean? Extraordinary story.

Your aunt and uncle are dicks for letting you call her mum when they knew fine well you had a mother who was alive and well. It's quite shocking, really.

If you don't want to call her mum any more, just avoid calling her anything. Or start calling them both by their real names.