My messed up life will mess up my child and I’m overwhelmed with guilt

[catalah]

Please don’t be too harsh I am so aware of my failings. all my life I went for emotionally unavailable men. I met plenty of good ones but wasn’t interested of course.

the latest I met, when I was 32 and panicking about age, was someone I did actually love. But I knew from day one that he was not fully available to me. He’d never had a relationship before and was never a partner, no team or future planning etc. I was very flippant with contraception as I wanted to settle down and he apparently felt the same… though deep down I knew it was risky as he was just so distant in general. The relationship broke down in pregnancy and he basically disappeared, never met dc and he’s over forty now and dc just turned one.

I know exactly where I went wrong. Because I did it my whole life. Except this time I involved a poor child in the mix. Whilst I never thought my ex would abandon a child, if I’m honest I knew he wouldn’t last as a partner, I just decided to hope desperately that he would. Totally deluding myself.

I feel like this is the worst thing ever to do to a child and I’ve even started going to church to pray (not religious!) and things to try and be ok with my recklessness. I’ve directly passed on my trauma to my child haven’t I. I hate myself so much.

I don't think church is going to fix your feelings of guilt - you need counselling.

You haven't messed up your child. You've ended up a single parent. There are loads of us everywhere and the vast majority of us are very good parents who give our children great lives. Not having a dad is better than having a rubbish unavailable dad. Work on yourself. Learn to love being single and be there for your child 100%. Be a close little family unit of 2. Love yourself and each other and you'll be fine.

The issue is that you beat yourself up. That's why you choose the relationships you do (because they match the way you treat yourself, so they feel familiar)

If you take all the self-beating out of your post, you've essentially got 'My child's father left, so now I'm a single parent.' Why add all the angst and the past failings and all the thousands of things you think are wrong with you, and have been wrong with you all your life.

Take out the drama. You are a single parent. Answer these questions: Can a single parent raise a happy, healthy child? If not, why not? If so, how? Then make changes to your life going forward, if necessary.

Your old relationship choices are completely irrelevant.

I'll be honest that it was a silly thing to get pregnant with someone you knew wasn't likely to stick around, but I don't believe you've ruined your child's life or even close to it. Yes, it may be more difficult in some ways but there are plenty of kids with single parents who are just fine.
Now you know this about yourself, try to make sure you don't make the same mistake again. Work out why you went for someone unavailable. Get on long-term contraception so that you can't be lax with it.
Remember you don't need to have a man, any man, at any cost. Try and weed out the good ones, which I know can be harder nowadays. There's no need to have a kid with each relationship, or move in together, or be overly serious until you know them properly.
Relationships don't need drama, they don't need to be fiery and excitement-filled, to be honest. Finding a best friend that you get on with and find attractive and who treats you well is plenty in my experience. That's not to say, settle down with someone boring, but just remember that fairytale romances with fireworks aren't overly realistic past the very first stages. Someone you can rely on is worth so much more.

Concentrate on your child and have fun dating if you want. It'll all be fine.

You don't need God, you need therapy.

Your child is one
They dont know anything else or adult concerns
Be present for them be confident
Get therapy
Make a nice life for your child
Get therapy
A church communitymight be useful only if is very welcoming to single parents and does not tell you you have sinned.

What's wrong with being a single parent? You don't need men for a happy life.

Take out the drama. You are a single parent. Answer these questions: Can a single parent raise a happy, healthy child? If not, why not? If so, how? Then make changes to your life going forward, if necessary.

I agree with this.
Is your 1-year-old happy and thriving? Yes - great! No need to think that won’t continue.

You don’t need a man to validate you and your child doesn’t need a father if you are a present, engaged, loving parent. They won’t miss what they haven’t had.

So concentrate on being a present, engaged, loving parent. Don’t concentrate any of your energy on dwelling on ‘mistakes’ or believing there’s anything wrong with you or your child.

Get some counselling to help you work through your feelings and be a wonderful mother to your child.

Just the fact that you question yourself is good. You may have made a mistake in terms of your partner but the important thing is that you do not think you have made a mistake about your child.
It will be harder for you but you can be an amazing family.
Do not worry

You have a child you wanted so you try to be the best parent you can and perhaps seek some help if your anxiety becomes overwhelming. If you are in the UK then c1 in 7 families are lone parent-led so your child won't be unusual. What will be in your control will be not to rush to introduce a new man to be a father substitute in the aspiration of trying to make things right and create the perfect family, nor to pander to your ex if he decides he wants immediate access then absents again when it gets difficult. That doesn't mean not to date a new man, just don't look for another avenue to feel guilty and make a choice that may make things worse.

Good luck.