How would you feel about this comment?

[Barryallen]

Hi,
I wanted to get your opinions on the following comment my ‘D’H made just now.
To put it in context, my DD is 17 and yesterday a friend of hers (turned 18 a month ago but the year above her in school) died in a daytime motorcycle accident. She is very upset and the whole community (we are not in the Uk so one main high school for the town) is extremely upset. We don’t personally know the friend or the family, but it’s been very upsetting none the less. I was telling my husband that a GoFundMe had been set up and had raised a large amount of money in a short time. He muttered something about ‘it was very sad’ and then I said that I was going to donate some money. Again- context- we are comfortable right now money wise although some expensive years coming up with kids going to Uni etc.
His response was to pull a face and say ‘remember we have to keep hold of our money’.
Honestly, I felt that comment was so selfish and heartless but I’m wondering if I’m projecting how I feel about him onto the conversation (it’s a bad marriage and I truly feel he has real narcissistic tendencies - think along the lines of he only does nice things when it benefits him or he can be ‘seen’ to be helping).
Thoughts?

I think its possible to feel sad and empathic about a situation without wanting to make a cash donation. People are reluctant to part with money for all sorts of reasons, but that doesn't in itself make them heartless. However, if you think your H is a heartless person anyway, I suppose its natural you are going to see it as another example of that.

To be perfectly honest I would have said the same as your DH. It doesn't sound like a harsh comment, it wasn't 'No way are we donating!' - he was reminding you of the need to be careful with money. You and your DH didn't know the person - of course that doesn't mean you won't feel sad about it - but perhaps it would be more appropriate to leave it to your daughter, who was the person's friend, to make her own donation if she wishes to, from her own money.

What is the money they're raising to be used for?

If you don't really know them he may be thinking that you'll need to keep saving for your daughters college.

No, I think it is a bit heartless.

This isn’t about yours or his feelings, but about your DD, and as you say she is very upset.

I think giving money is a lovely thing to do. My husband will happily spend hundreds on a boys piss up lunch and then moan about heating.

If he cares about his DD at all, then surely he wants to help?

He probably disagrees with the ethos of these gofundme things hence the face-pull and gentle caution. If he wanted to “be seen as being a good person” then he’d be jumping at the chance of donating a lavish amount of money and making sure plenty of folks knew about it.

To be honest, I’d also be cautious of donating to a fund for someone I didn’t know. I’d certainly be looking into what the money is being raised for.
I’d probably donate a small amount, along with a few words of condolence from you all though.

Thanks for the comments so far. I have been very emotional about it as he was part of my daughter’s extended friend group and close in age (she drives herself now so I’m always worried about other idiots on the road!).
The money collected is to help towards funeral expenses and time off of work for the parents (as I said before we don’t live in the UK anymore so there is much less ‘help’ and extreme costs for anything health-related because no NHS).
I wasn’t planning on donating much and yes, my daughter works so is donating money from herself. My thought is that if something happened to one of my family, I know the local community would probably help in the same way so I feel it’s right.
Plus he has an expensive hobby and doesn’t hesitate spending money on that…

Plus he has an expensive hobby and doesn’t hesitate spending money on that…

How do you organise your finances? Do you each have a roughly equivalent amount to spend on personal 'luxuries' of your choice? If so, then you can donate from your 'disposable' amount and it shouldn't be anything to do with him.

If not, then you need to think about setting that up, because regardless of this particular GoFundMe incident, it's not right if he lavishes money on a hobby and then questions your spending.

We don’t have anything like that set up. We do have joint accounts and I generally can spend without questions (however I don’t have any hobbies and am very low maintenance!)
Something for me to think about.

How much were you going to donate - you say you’re fine for money but have big stuff over the next few years

I was going to donate the equivalent to £40.
It’s approximate to how much it would cost for 4 of us to go out to eat at a local restaurant.

I don't think that's a sum that will grossly effect your future OP. x Especially as he probably spends more on his hobby stuff, over time.

If you think he's a narc, are you planning to leave at some point?

Hew a stingy, empathy lacking, cold hearted dick head.

Oh come on.

That is how I feel about the modern trend for these tasteless grabs for money the second someone dies. And the nauseating virtue signalling of those who believe anyone who doesn't donate the second they hear a sad story is evil.

Every second of every day there is some from of horrific tragedy, it would make you insane with grief and completely destitute if you actually attempted to make yourself feel better by throwing money at every one you heard of.

Missed a bit off the end there.

Agree with your DH. If you were close or actually even knew the bereaved family maybe that would be different.

@Guiltycat

I tend to agree.

There's a proliferation of GoFundMe fundraisers & so much pressure to contribute.

It's entirely different to directly supporting a family known to you or for a specific purpose. Fundraising for funeral costs isn't something I believe is generally appropriate.

Not taking away from the utter tragedy of this situation, and also recognising that donating €40 is a very reasonable thing to do

I think you are trying to find faults with him.

You can’t exactly begrudge him spending money on his hobby if you are free to do the same, but choose not to.

Hi OP,
So sad the loss of a young person :-( I agree that you can feel very sad and empathetic without donating cash. If you have Uni fees coming up and Husband is concerned with that, I can appreciate that. In some countries it can be absolutely debilitating in the expense dept, especially if you're in the US. If you're not in the UK, would you mind saying where you're living?

For £40 I would just donate it, £400 then it's a discussion point.

It doesn't make him heartless per se to no want donate, but it is only £40 and it will obviously help the family if everyone in the community gave a little.

Speaking as a person who gives generously to small local charities, I personally think the whole Go Fund Me culture is absolutely cringeworthy so I'm with your husband here.