Getting over husband leaving for ow

[Brokenbuttercup]

Hi all, I’ve been lurking on here a few months but first time posting.

Early 40’s, married for 12 years, together for 20, 1DS aged 6. STBXH left in February for a woman at work 15 years younger than him following a 2 year emotional affair. We had a pretty good marriage but he struggled with low self esteem and I now realise was completely emotionally unavailable and demonstrated a fair few controlling behaviours. He never really adjusted to parenthood and missed his carefree life before having our DS. He now appears to be recreating the life we had before, taking her to all the places we went to and generally living his best life but with her instead of me.

He has completely followed the script - she and I are just friends / i need to go “find myself” / it’s all your fault I’ve been miserable for years / blah blah blah. She moved in with him within 2 weeks 😶

I know I’m better off without him, he simply isn’t the person I thought he was. If he came crawling back I would happily tell him to go f**k himself. But I’m struggling regardless. I HATE that they get to swan off into the sunshine, feel zero remorse and take absolutely no accountability for destroying our family. I am spending an insane amount of time obsessing about them and imagining what they are doing. I life in desperate hope that they will split up as I just don’t know how to focus on my own recovery whilst they are still together.

I know counselling would help but I simply can’t afford it so I’m hoping the self help route might help. Can anyone suggest some books I can read? Or podcasts? I keep hearing “not just friends” but is this more aimed at trying to save a marriage? Any suggestions welcome please as I need to retain my sanity!

They might live happily ever after but, given she's significantly younger and he's got history as a cheat, it's unlikely.

Believe me karma has a funny way of working things out (I speak from experience).

The best thing you can do is live your best life, I appreciate that feels difficult right now but you will get there. Time will make things easier

Chump lady

So sorry you are going through this OP have a look at the link above it may help

When I was going through this last year I read Rosie Green’s ‘From Heartbreak to Happy’ and it really, really helped. Full of advice for all stages of this horrible journey you’ve been forced on to.

If it helps, one year on, I now feel complete indifference towards my ExDP and his OW. I used to be consumed with thoughts of them but now I honestly don’t care. My toddler DS and I are happy and content, and I feel relief he’s not in my life anymore. You will get there I promise 💐

I know it feels shit right now and I know he has behaved badly but it might help your recovery if you try to frame things differently. Either party in a marriage is entitled to end it if the marriage isn't working for them otherwise. Framing it as them "destroying your family" isn't helpful - if somebody leaves their spouse because they're unhappy (no OW/OM) we wouldn't use emotive language like that. It's shit that he started his new relationship before ending his relationship with you, but he was entitled to leave you if he was unhappy.

I also wouldn't agonise over him taking her to places he took you. He likes those places. It's no surprise he likes going to those places. It's not a personal slight towards your marriage.

They may or not split up. On MN everyone will tell you that it can't possibly last and he'll cheat on her soon. However some cheaters are serial cheats, and some people only cheat in some circumstances and not others. If you fixate on wanting them to split up then you will find it very hard if they do turn out to stay together long-term. The healthiest attitude to them is utter indifference.

Baggage Reclaim is a good resource, as is Chump Lady.

It's a novel, not a self help book, but Stevie Morgan's (aka Nicola Davies) Delphinium Blues has a protagonist going through similar feelings to you. It's out of print and has a terrible cover, but is readily available on Amazon 2nd hand and is a really, really well observed account.
Might make you feel less alone in your rage, anyway.

Sorry you're going through this. X

Here's the link www.wob.com/en-gb/books/nicola-davies/delphinium-blues/9780340718025#GOR006517172

I’m sorry you are struggling to hard to come to terms with your marriage ending and yes he should have ended it before he met someone else, not after, but often the reality is that’s a very hard thing to do.

it doesn’t matter if they stay together or he meets someone else.you need to accept he was not happy in the marriage and wished to end it. He had this right.

try to force yourself to stop the obsession with them, if your mind goes there force yourself to stop, and try to accept the marriage was over as he was not happy , it was never about her and it still isn’t. It wasn’t even about you. It was about him, and it still is.

I hope you went for 50 50 child care. Don’t let him opt out and revert to the single life, he’s a dad and should act as one. And you deserve the child free time too to concentrate on your own needs and wants.

The OP said he’d been carrying on his emotional affair for 2 years before he actually left! So he took his time about it and in the meantime
lied to his partner of 20years. I think this is awful behaviour and don’t think it’s as straightforward as “he had every right to leave his marriage” as PP have said.
lots of love to OP.

Hang in there. I found lots of episodes of this podcast really helped me: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-divorce-club/id1507758896?i=1000472995156.

I’m sorry this has happened to you! Maybe get a punch bag and tape a picture of their faces to it…you can get fitter whilst finding an outlet for your anger.I’d probably find that sort of thing therapeutic!

It's worth seeing your GP.

Also, praying for your ex and OW helps (not that they deserve it, but it will help you emotionally.) God can help a lot and He's free.🤗I enjoy the videos of Vlad Savchuk, and he has a Deliverance Course on Vladschool. None of this is a substitute for therapy, but it can be powerful and doesn't cost anything. Plus a new hobby like this might distract you a little.

he was entitled to leave you if he was unhappy.

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo Hmm. Whatever your views on marriage, he shouldn'tve cheated on his wife.

i doubt they will live together forever happily. He's 15 years older than her and is controlling and has a low self-esteem.
What a catch. Hmm

I agree with the posters who say make sure he has your son every second weekend AT LEAST.

You may be still getting over this but before too long you will have a lot of places you want to go and things you want to do and you will need child free time too.

🌺

@PooHeads exactly this! It’s the sheer volume of lies he told and then the gaslighting to try and cover his tracks.

i suspected something was going on with her but he flat out denied it. Even swore on our son’s life. Made out I was irrational and paranoid.

He does have our son 50/50 and he is at least being a parent in that respect. does help that I get some time to myself and I’m trying to fill it with seeing friends/family it’s so hard. I just want to forget them both

It doesn’t help that he moved her in immediately. He lied about that too. So our poor DS not only had to deal with the upheaval of the loss of the family unit and living in 2 houses but essentially had to move in with a complete stranger. Entirely again my wishes but he did it anyway

Thanks everyone for suggestions, I will check them all out. Particularly like the idea of the punch bag! I do think I need to channel my anger somewhere more healthy

Chump lady’s ‘leave a cheater gain a life’, and ‘from abandonement to healing’ are great books.

You have EVERY right to your feelings right now. It would have been torture to live with a man having an emotional affair for two years and then left to raise your young son. I can only imagine the stress, anxiety and trauma you’ve experienced. It does take a long time to heal (2-5 years is well documented now), you’re barely starting on your journey.

I know it’s just words and you can’t feel this right now but his behaviours will follow him. He chose to deceive you for two years that takes a huge level of selfishness and entitlement. You are well rid!

Get a copy of the books recommended here and see if you can refer yourself for counselling. You can do this, and you will be ok with time. 💐

Against my wishes that should say!

When you imagine them together - imagine a few years down the road and her getting to the age of wanting kids, and him getting to deal with new borns and nappies. While you and your child will be having nice time somewhere on holidays.

Also - you have spent your 20s and 30s with this man. It’s a long time. I am sure you have changed and he isn’t the kind of partner you’d chose now. Hopefully as time goes on you can start dating and having fun as well. And meet someone new who will be a better partner to you.

I've been where you are after a similar amount of time together but with 3 young kids at the time. It gets easier but is very early days for you right now so understandable the feelings and thoughts you are having. Try to focus on you and your ds and try to put him and her from your mind. However rosy his life looks currently things aren't always as they seem. I can't say you'll ever get over the betrayal - I'm 5 years on and doubt I'll ever let anyone in completely ever again but I'm doing ok. Me and ex get on OK (I decided to be bigger person for sake of kids) and whilst he's still with ow he seems to be going through motions and seems miserable. I doubt it will be long before he's looking elsewhere if he isn't already. I've come to terms with fact that he just isn't the person I fell in love with which helps.

I don't agree with pp that he was entitled to leave the marriage so did - he was of course but should have done so before putting another relationship in place before doing so! You also had an entitlement to honesty, respect and loyalty none of which he afforded you in having an affair.

It's worth self-referring for counselling on the NHS. The waiting list is often long, but you may as well get on it. Where I am, they will tell you about other local services. I had to wait about four months, but got counselling through a not for profit and I paid the lowest fee, which was £16 per session at the time (3-4 years ago). I know that might still be too much, but do have a look around at what's available.

I found The Unexpected Joy Of Being Single by Catherine Grey really helpful. Did not get on with the writing style at first, but if you persevere then a lot of the content is good and there are lots of other resources listed at the back.

Exercise, a hobby... I did a night class in a craft fror one term and had to really concentrate on it. For two hours a week, I actually didn't think about my life imploding because I had to focus on the craft.