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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me :(

20 replies

Cookie1278 · 17/08/2022 16:26

So I’ll start off with some details. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, from 16 years old now 24. I have been with 2 guys (him being one) and he has had a lot of experience before me and has slept with quite a few people. When we first started speaking he messed me around and kissed other people although we weren’t official. I’ve always known I want to be with him forever but I’ve struggled knowing I’ve not experienced much in terms of being
single, although it wasn’t worth ending the relationship over. To be honest the last while I’ve felt to myself is this really what I want, do I want to be with him forever.

So my issue is I’ve just gone on my first ever girls holiday. I kissed someone. Twice. The same person. I don’t know what to do and I am seriously feeling so low and depressed about this. I have never ever even came close to cheating on my boyfriend before. I love him with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I fucked up and fucked up BADLY. I met this guy in a club and I was extremely drunk (not an excuse at all) and we kissed. Also add loads of flirting and whatever else. I had his number on my phone and the next day on my girls holiday we all got really drunk again and we asked him to meet us but I told him we are just friends and that cannot happen again. It did. What do I do? Do I tell my boyfriend I kissed someone and risk losing my 8 year relationship, house, dog, life?! Or do I just try and move on from this and make sure to NEVER do anything like that again. I’m giving up drinking alcohol to make sure I’m never in that position. Please help

OP posts:

Isittrueornot · 17/08/2022 16:29

Don’t take this the wrong way….but it was a kiss. I wouldn’t even be mentioning this and write it off a holiday mistake that won’t be happening again. No need to destroy and entire relationship over a kiss with a guy you will never lay eyes on again.

Don’t feel guilty either.

CambsAlways · 17/08/2022 16:33

You were on holiday it was a kiss. Forget it op

MarpleFan · 17/08/2022 16:35

I really wouldn't tell him. It was a one-off (I know it was twice but you know what I mean) and you feel dreadful and are making sure it never happens again. If you had slept with him I may be saying different, but over a couple of drunken kisses, I wouldn't say anything.

FromEden · 17/08/2022 16:35

You've been in this relationship since you were literally a kid. It's normal to want to be with other people. If I were you I wouldnt tell him but take some time out of the relationship to explore this. You are so young, if you really are meant to be with him 'forever', then you have the rest of your life for that. Better to get it out of your system now than when you're in your 30s with kids.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 17/08/2022 16:49

You have a couple of options

You tell him, the trust in the relationship is potentially gone. Depending on what sort of man he is he shrugs it off, or he throws it back in your face at every opportunity he gets.
You dont tell him and carry on with your life, possibly you'll start projecting everytime he goes out and you think hell do the same or the guilt eats away at you until you tell him many years in the future.
You decide that you want to go your separate ways, you get a bit more life experience then possibly get back together in the future, or not if you find someone better suited to you or he does the same.

You were very young when you got together, I know lots of people I went to school with who got married to their High School boyfriends. BUT there is a big difference between you at 16 and you at 24, you might feel like you want to be together forever because its habit and its what you are used to and change is scary or it might be genuine. How old was he when you got together? You mention he had a lot more experience, if he is the same age as you thats fine but if that experience is because he is much older than you I'd be wondering why he was interested in a school child.

At the minute you don't say you have children so you can leave the relationship relatively easily even if you decide to get back together in the future.

Sierra1961 · 17/08/2022 16:51

I wouldn’t even mention it, honestly. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and it’s not like you slept with the guy.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 16:55

Maybe you're not as happy in your relationship as you think you are.

Lifeworks2017 · 17/08/2022 21:33

I need some advice please! I've been in a relationship for two years. My partners children are 15,17 we live separately. He shares his children with his ex. Our relationship goes so badly wrong whenever I spend anytime with him and his kids. My ex changes his behaviour and becomes far less fun. His children are lifeless and we don't have any fun together. I can't see this changing, it's causing big problems but I can't tell him the real reason are his children. He is the best Dad and panders to them. Should I end the relationship as I can't see things improving? Anybody experienced this? Many thanks

Randomword6 · 17/08/2022 21:40

Hi I think this sounds a difficult issue, it might be better to post it as a thread.
His being less fun could be due to his parenting style, perhaps he is worried that being fun could break down his authority. Have you discussed this with him? Perhaps ask him how he and his ex wife address issues like alcohol or sexuality with his children (if at all).

Jamaisy82 · 17/08/2022 21:51

I understand you feel guilty but it meant nothing to you. You love your partner and you were drunk. I understand that its no excuse but don't beat yourself up over it. If you tell him it could ruin everything. Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy. Sometimes the truth just hurts, dont ruin a good thing over a mistake.

Original poster

Cookie1278 · 18/08/2022 08:50

Hi guys. Thank you all for your advice and comments, they have somewhat helped me. I’ve not slept properly since it happened as I just feel physically sick I’ve done this. I don’t think he would end things with me which is why I feel it might be best not to mention it as it will just cause him pain. I think I’m just going to go home and just be the best partner I can be and work on my relationship with him. I truly do love him with all my heart and I see myself with him forever. I think this was just a big mistake and it’s made me realise what I want in life. I feel like a terrible person and I hate myself for it but it’s completely deserved. I am just trying to tell myself I’m young and got attention from someone and made a huge mistake that I’ll never make again and learn from. Also I want to stop drinking and I won’t be going away on a girls holiday again.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 08:55

The fact you asked to meet again the second day is the concern for me.

If you didn't want to cheat on your partner you wouldn't have done.

I think you need to have a hard look at your relationship.

Lots of people are saying it was just a kiss but it wasn't. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

FinallyHere · 18/08/2022 09:20

work on my relationship with him

What is there to work on ?

For me, when I have found myself interested in other people, it's bed. Because there is something not right in the relationship.

A good relationship should be easy, enhance your life. If it doesn't in every level, there is absolutely no shaming in breaking up. Being on your own for a while is an extremely healthy thing to be. Knowing you don't have to depend on any one else.

Knowing that someone in your life is just because life is better with than without them.

I hope it all works out for you. I had relationships where I thought they were 'the one'. Turned out not to be the case.

Life is better for me when my DH is around. All the best to you, too.

Angelofthenortheast · 18/08/2022 12:43

I agree with some other pp's - consider having a break from your relationship. You may find you have a fear of the unknown/being single because you began your relationship so young.

GreenClock · 18/08/2022 12:52

It wasn’t a drunken kiss in isolation. You met him again. You gave him your telephone number.

You shouldn’t have to give up alcohol and holidays with friends. That is overkill. If your relationship is solid, you won’t stray. This applies whether you’re drunk in Benidorm or sober in Bradford.

I think you need to have a good honest think about all this and maybe talk it over candidly with your partner. You don’t want to be cheating (either of you) when you are 30 with a child.

PiecesofFive · 18/08/2022 12:55

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 08:55

The fact you asked to meet again the second day is the concern for me.

If you didn't want to cheat on your partner you wouldn't have done.

I think you need to have a hard look at your relationship.

Lots of people are saying it was just a kiss but it wasn't. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I do think sometimes with the inexperience of youth people can be jollied on by peer pressure, to do the exciting thing, the thing that causes a story to tell.

Women and men can be dreadful for this, pushing an otherwise strong boundaried person into letting their defenses down for the fun of the evening.

Op learn from this experience, don't be coerced by friends who do not have the same morals as you, it was only a kiss, put it behind you and be who you really are.

Someone with a strong moral compass, who wants to respect and love their partner and who expects the same in return.

SallyWD · 18/08/2022 13:11

Years ago before my DH and I were really serious I got wasted and snogged a bloke on the dance floor - for ages! I still feel awful about it now but I've never told him! To be honest my DH is fairly laid back. Of course he wouldn't like it but I don't think he'd go mad. I'm certain he wouldn't dump me. I think he'd forget about it pretty quickly... Anyway, I decided to just learn from the mistake. I know alcohol isn't an excuse but I would never have done that if I wasn't completely hammered. I barely remember it. Since then I've made sure I'm really careful to drink in moderation. I could never handle my drink so I never have more than 3 now. If I was you I'd just keep quiet and make sure it doesn't happen again.

JenGin · 18/08/2022 13:17

Considering you've been together for 8 years, that you have a house, a dog etc that sounds like a pretty serious relationship. I'm really quite surprised so many people are saying you shouldn't tell him. If my boyfriend of 8 years snogged a girl in a club I'd damn right expect to be told about it. It's cheating. "On holiday/different postcodes" defence is like something out of a teen movie. The right thing to do is to tell him, in my opinion.
I'd be devastated if my boyfriend kissed another girl, drunkenly or not, and if he kept it a secret for me it'd be a relationship ender without a doubt, if I ever found it.

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 13:19

I do think sometimes with the inexperience of youth people can be jollied on by peer pressure, to do the exciting thing, the thing that causes a story to tell.

If that's the case I'd be more inclined to encourage OP to be honest with her partner because if that's what her friends are like it's very likely that someone else will tell him if the OP doesn't

PiecesofFive · 18/08/2022 22:56

If that's the case I'd be more inclined to encourage OP to be honest
with her partner because if that's what her friends are like it's very
likely that someone else will tell him if the OP doesn't

I agree this could bite her on the bum in years to come.

And that rhymed 😅

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