Separation - heartbroken

[lisalou1401]

My husband is leaving me - it's been brewing a while and things haven't been good. I just need some advice. Someone to talk to. I have great friends and great parents. But I feel sick. Like I'm drowning and nothing will be ok again. How can I feel ok when we've had 12 years and had a whole load of hopes and dreams. He is the love of my life and I know things aren't great but I don't know how I'm meant to go on.

My daughter is 6 and feel like I'm going to ruin her life. Please someone help me 😭💔

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Its going to hurt, you’re going through a grieving process but I promise, you will come out the other side.

You haven’t ruined anything x You need to take care of you now so you can be there for your daughter, eat little and often and rest when you can. We are all here to listen x

Thank you. I can't eat or sleep. I feel like I'm going to hurt forever x

You won’t, I promise you won’t, but you need to take it a minute at a time right not. It’s so raw, and the only thing that will help heal is time.

Do you have someone who can come and stay with you? What is your housing situation?x

Thanks. He's still there till we sit and discuss it all tonight. I have lots of support around me which I'm grateful for but nothing helps this punch to the stomach x

You feel right now like you are going to hurt forever. You won't. I promise you. It will be a long hard road but at some point the pain won't be there any more and you'll find joy and happiness in your life again.

I took a long time to get over a 5 year relationship which had been on and off and it was a nightmare.
The thing that helped me the most was printing out a three month calendar and sticking it on the fridge (in my case, I went no contact with him, no children involved, you can't do that obviously).
At 30, 60 and 90 days I marked on the calendar a treat I was going to reward myself with. So 30 days was clothes' shopping. 60 days was a trip to a thermal spa. 90 days was an excursion to somewhere I'd always wanted to go to but had never got round to visiting.

You could do something similar, in fact you could do it 15, 30, 45 days etc. and mark in something special you want to do with your daughter. If money is an issue which it is for so many of us now, think of things that you can do for free or cheaply. And plan them, look forward to them and do them. That at least gives you something really positive to look forward to. You can mark off the days on the calendar.

You won't ruin her life. You really won't.

Ok so now you need to get your game face on.

I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there is someone in the background, so you need to make sure you get everything you’re entitled to.

You need to get bank statements, is there a joint account? Transfer half into your account right away. He wants to leave? He has to move out. Don’t make it easy for him. Make a solicitor appointment, take control. You can crumble again after x

@katishot thanks. I'll need to think of something. We're meant to be going on holiday in November which I'll need to cancel.

@YoSofi thanks. He is going to move out he's said everything is mine. We have a joint account but there is no money just now anyway so nothing to fritter away for myself unfortunately. Trying to fill out forms now for benefits etc.

We're meant to be going on holiday in November which I'll need to cancel

Yeah, cancel that and see if you can get money back and then book something else for you and DD.

Good idea. Never thought about doing something else

He is going to move out he's said everything is mine

Just be careful about that. Don't trust him.
That's what he's saying right now.
You need to make sure you have a good solicitor and proper legal advice, no matter what he says.

Heartbreak is truly awful. I think it's safe to say most have been through it at some point in life and it really does feel like it will never go away, but it does. I honestly sympathise with you OP, please keep your support network close by.
Time is the best healer, and I know from experience how daunting it all seems when you are feeling the way you do, but you will come out the other side, and you will heal.
Give yourself permission to feel every emotion, it's all part of the grieving process.
It's a really horrible thing that you're going through and I am sending you lots of virtual love and support.
Ps, your lovely daughter will adapt and she will be just fine

Ps, I bet one day when you're well
past all of this, you'll think of him and get the ick!!

At the moment it will feel awful, its like grief and like the heartache will never end. I lost so much weight in a short time as I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. You will get over this, you will move on you will feel like yourself again, there is that light at the end of the tunnel even though it won't feel like it. Heartbreak is the worst but you are strong. Try to keep busy and not alone in your thoughts.

@Jamaisy82 @coldgin thanks. I can't imagine ever smiling again or being strong. He's everywhere I look and I just want him to hold me.

Really is the absolute worst feeling

Have you had an explanation as to why he is leaving? I know you said things have been tough for a while but it's often so much harder when you're just left in limbo and wondering why.
Has he been absolutely clear on his reasons for ending your marriage?

@coldgin I lost his trust last year over something and we've done therapy and tried to make it work. But it's been building the last couple weeks over one thing or another and he said it's just done. He knows that enough is enough. I didn't cheat on him but I was in contact with an ex altho all platonic. But I've tried so hard to make him realise I screwed up and the last year has only made me love him more cause I realise what I almost lost, well now I have lost him.

Hi, I'm in your position but 3 months down the line. Very up & down emotionally, and still disbelief that this is happening. Reading posts from other mumsnetters does give me hope that over time it gets easier although hard to believe right now. Take care & know you are not alone. Xx

I just want someone to take the pain away. I want my little family back together. 😞 wish time would be a lot faster

I feel exactly the same. Xx

I think he's probably using this platonic contact with an ex to put the blame on you for breaking up with you, so he doesn't feel bad/guilty. Truth is, it's probably not your fault. Almost certainly not your fault. I like that calendar idea from a previous poster.

And just to say, you are not going to 'ruin' your child's life. Ruining a child's life is through abuse, or neglect, or deliberately scuppering their chances of a good education (keeping them home as your emotional crutch, or selfishly persuading them not to go to university etc), or putting a new partner in the home who is abusive/an addict etc etc.

Separating from the father is not ruining her life at all.

@Wartywart thank you. I just know she's going to be absolutely heartbroken.

He could never get over it. He's always been very insecure and paranoid so to actually find that out just put the nail in the coffin. And I really tried x

Yes but why were you in contact with an ex? It cant have been platonic if he's leaving over this? It sounds like you've made a mistake and now want to backtrack unfortunately.