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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling Suffocated

8 replies

Humanoctopus101 · 17/08/2022 10:34

Been with hubby 7 years, married 5 but over recent few weeks I feel like he's suffocating me. He's all over me like a rash, constantly wanting my attention and sex, and saying he wants things to go back to the way they were when we first met, bare in mind have 3 kids, 1 from my previous and twins, we both work, I do the majority of housework and carting the kids around to their out of school activities.
He's always asking who's texting me when my phone goes off, I can't have a phone conversation without him chipping in and I very raely go out and do anything for myself. He's a home bird, never wants to go out, even just the 2 of us, doesn't have a friendship circle outside of work, and by his admission he's not willing to go out a find one (he's not originally from this area and doesn't speak to anyone from his own area anymore). It all came to a head the other week when he asked who a fella was, someone I worked with and all messages were work related, turns out he has been going through my phone, but not just on this one occasion, on a regular basis over the years. He even brought up something from over 6 years ago which he's never mentioned before from when I was away with work, predominantly male environment due to the nature and one of them wanted paracetamol, in hubbies eyes something untoward happened. He even opens my post, which I caught him doing last week and his response was he didn't know what it was, we have different first initials....
I no longer speak to anyone from my past, only people I've met since I've been with him because he didn't like them, and I've also found out he used to do this with exes, the topic of his exes ha always been off the table between us but he throws mine in my face (eldest's dad), and the one ended up cheating on him.
If we talk it always leads to arguements, I try and have my point he shuts me down, I can't get a word in edgeways and he uses my mental health cndition as leverage so I give up and end up agreeing or just shutting down, and he pushes his opinions on people in this way as well, he's very opinionated. He also tells me ot to discuss things with anyone because he doesn't want to look bad.
I feel like I've just verbally vomiting on this post, but I don't know whether I feel lost, annoyed or have no feeling at all on the matter. I want to stand up to him, have my say and for him to listen and put steps in place, but he rake's up my the past, whether he was in it or not (says he doesn't hold grudges) and he's very good at turning things around so they're not his fault. What do I do?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/08/2022 17:18

Bloody hell OP, he sounds insufferable.

Has his behaviour become overtly worse since you had children?

HyggeandTea · 17/08/2022 17:32

I lived through similar. He told me that he should have access to my phone, emails etc...not that he was ever going to look at them, but in case of an emergency?! If I changed passwords he would go nuts and sulk for days and say he was let down before and it was a matter of trust.
Any misdemeanor from my past was used against me, I had to say how awful my exes were constantly and reassure him all the time.
He wanted sex all the time, I really, really didn't and he said I was rejecting him.
It would all come to a head, I would eventually end up apologising (!) and compromising to 'make it work', he'd be fine for a bit (so I'd justify the relationship) and then it would start again.
I once posted on Mumsnet. He found it and was livid. He said if I discussed it with friends or family it would be very bad.
We divorced after 20 years and it was really traumatic. He made it very awful for everyone.
In hindsight, I wished I had spoken more to friends and family, stood up to him, laid boundaries and ignored his stupid games. Try and stay calm and focused. Avoid big discussions, choose your words and stick to them. Spend time away from him. Get outside. Don't become isolated. Think about how you would advise a friend or your child in the same situation. Consider women's aid. Good luck honey xx

Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 17:33

I feel like I've just verbally vomiting on this post

Because nothing you feel is being heard. So when you get a chance to talk, it all comes out in a big hurry.

he's very good at turning things around so they're not his fault

Stop looking at 'fault', and start thinking and talking about what you like and don't like. And set boundaries, indicating what you will do if they're crossed, i.e. 'I don't like it when you rake up my past, so when you do it in future, I'm going to leave the room.'

Then let him decide whether to cross your boundaries. If he still does, leave, or put up with it. Telling him he's hurting you should be enough for him to change his behaviour, but if he doesn't, that means he'd rather hurt you so that he can do what he wants, than make some changes because he wants you to be happy. That's a dead relationship.

Humanoctopus101 · 18/08/2022 11:35

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation yes, he has changed a lot since our children have come along, he doesn't feel he has though when I mention it.
He's obsessed with money as well, for the last god knows how long it's been about CMS for my eldest, yes we're owed money and quite a sizeable amount, but he feels anything we get back should all go to him and chews my ear off about it, but it's out of my hands and I'm bored of it

OP posts:
Speechdelaymamma · 18/08/2022 12:37

Oh, OP. It sounds like a really horrible position to be in. I do feel for you. Have you suggested couples therapy? I'm assuming he won't because he won't want to look bad or have an outsider within your marriage.

I don't think it's healthy for you to put up with much more. Would it be easy for you to leave? Can you tell him you're thinking of leaving to see if it'll make him start to consider his own behaviour and act accordingly?

In any case, from what you describe, you should not have to accept it. At first I thought, okay, needy husband not too bad. But as you continued it got worse and it's become incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive. Does any of this impact the kids at all?

Dery · 18/08/2022 12:49

Actually what he’s doing is psychological, emotional and, I suspect, sexual abuse. He has isolated you from everyone you knew before him. He spies on you. He controls your interactions with male colleagues by making out something untoward is going on. He doesn’t want to deal with the reality of being a parent but wants to go back to a time when he was the centre of your attention. He basically thinks you are a thing that belongs to him. This is criminal behaviour.

He know what he’s doing is wrong. That’s why he doesn’t want you telling people and doesn’t want to hear it himself.

God knows what his relationship model was but the one you have with him is terribly unhealthy.

If he won’t discuss it and change, then you may need to consider leaving. You don’t want your DCs to grow up thinking this is normal or healthy.

vaingina · 18/08/2022 13:51

One question really. Why are you still with him?

BadGranny · 18/08/2022 13:54

Two words: coercive control.

Get out while you still can.

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