I need a shake

[Bihan]

I was right to leave wasn't I? My husband paid the mortgage and gave me a couple of hundred pounds for the groceries but we never went on holiday. Our house was broken, kids didn't have furniture, I was under the impression I didn't have money for driving lessons or things such as dental care, toiletries, clothes etc. My feet have only just recovered after years of walking broken worn shoes. He said I never asked for money so wasn't aware I didn't have what I needed but I thought we didn't have any so didn't want to add pressure. He says he was only trying to improve our lives by investing and made a mistake and it wasn't like he had other women.

He spent thousands on shares and lost a lot. Credit card bills mounted as he said he used that to buy more shares to even out losses. All unknown to me until recently.

I could have used the available funds for extra curricular for my children. Especially one who is on the spectrum. I can't get over that. I could have given them holidays...I know this is a luxury for a lot but we had the money so it was our duty as parents to use that to give them nice experiences. I know other people have worse lives and many people are living in poverty but I still think it was our responsibility to do this since we could have.

Now he's in a flat by himself and isolated as doesn't have any friends and not close to family. He's financially stretched with maintaining us and himself.

I can now drive and have a little car. I also have a job and doing well but money is still stretched. I've managed to paint our house and get furniture for my children so life is a lot more ordered. However, with raising bills our quality of life will be impacted. Husband wants a second chance and has promised he will give half his income to my account every month. I know this will better my kids lives.

Since moving out he is more involved with the children and is always on hand if I need anything. The spilt has been amicable and we've worked well together to parent. He contributes fairly to their upkeep and still pays the mortgage. He earns a lot more than me as my career took a huge hit when I decided to be stay at home and I haven't yet closed the gap, although fully intend to in time.

Just something is stopping me allowing him back but there's this guilt I've made his life worse and poorer and my kids too.

Other things have happened during our marriage which I have buried...incidents where he has treated me badly when I most needed him or early on in the relationship - all of a sudden they are coming up and making me feel panicked and conflicted.

Would you forgive if your husband is looking to make amends and it would improve the quality of everyone's lives?

I don't know how to get over the resentment or the trauma. Whether it was partly down to me not demanding more.

It’s very easy for him to say this all now, he is feeling sorry for himself being alone in his flat and having come to the realisation he now has less than before, but the promises he is making now are not to be relied upon or trusted. Your hesitation is because you know this to be true, he can not have lived with you, claimed to love and care for you/his children and not have noticed the kids didn’t have furniture, or that they didn’t go to activities or that your shoes were practically falling off your feet! This is stuff a stranger on would notice, he can’t not have noticed, he did notice….he just didn’t care!! He didn’t care, because he thought what he was doing with money was important than looking after you and his children as he should!

He may well be sorry and regretful now but only because he is feeling soft for himself because his actions have led to him being where he is! He is NOT feeling sorry that your and your children went without basic items!

If you let him back home once he has gotten his feet back cozily under your table and is selfish arse in your warm bed he will just revert back to type and this time he will take advantage of the fact you are now working and earning for yourself and it will be you funding the shoes, clothes and whatever else while he squirrels his money away to wherever instead of equally supporting his family as he should.

With the rising cost of living he’s seen and in, and a way to sell you on the better off together than apart argument because financially on paper it makes sense. I understand why he’s managed to get you considering it, we are all worried about the increases in prices and what that will mean BUT listen to your gut, your gut is telling you NO and for very good reason. Leopards do not change their spots! Even sad sorry ones who says it will all be different next time…don’t fall for it.

Going back to him would be the worst thing you could ever do.

You will kick yourself if you go back to him.....I have seen this scenario many times with friends. You must keep going with your independent life....it will become hell very quickly again if you return.

Your DC already have more with just you than they ever did with him and you cannot risk him dragging you all back down to where you were before. Yes the picture he has painted seems tempting but it is only a painting, you have no guarantee the reality would look the same. Don't give him the chance to destroy what you've built for yourself and DC, the risk is too high and security and stability are 100 times more important for your DC than a more comfortable lifestyle. You're doing an amazing job on your own, you don't need him.

Thank you all!!

This is what I needed to hear from people who know no other facts than what was on the OP which is about the same information my family have and are of the opinion that I should give him another chance. My friends on the other hand are absolutely against it but they know more.

I have deliberately kept out the other stuff as I wanted opinions just based on the financial abuse and lying.

I made a promise to one of my parents that I would not easily break the marriage as it took a lot for them to go against community norm and agree to us marrying since husband was from another culture. His parents too were also against the marriage because they didn't like my background being different so there was reason for me/us to keep trying to make this work. I feel I've done this as much as I can and there's nothing left. I gave myself permission to break my promise to my deceased parent after finding out we were about approx 60k in debt and after giving him a chance to make things better. The.decision to separate was taken slowly and over a 5 year period. During this time I learnt to drive and made steps to get back into my profession. None of the steps taken have been done in haste or in anger. My intention was to minimise disruption to my children and leave when I was independent enough to cope. But still, fucking still, I'm wondering if what im doing is best for my kids.

The very last thing he had on side was that he was a provider and by extension was looking after his kids well being as he could with his means but when it was apparent this was not the case, something broke in me. As a husband he was terrible but it's an even bigger moral duty to look after the well being of the children you create so, for me this was too big a failing.

So many momories keep resurfacing now as if the floodgates have opened. Mostly this was over a decade ago (reason not included in OP) but things I'm now remembering. Like encouraging me to sell my things so we can buy a car as kids were walking in snow and rain to get to places and fix the glazing but instead that money went missing. Thank God I refused to sell the jewellery from my deceased parent, that would have broken me even more. And so many traumatic incidents that I somehow minimised like throwing me out all the time when we had arguments pre kids, throwing me out when I was 8 months pregnant, going awol two weeks after my parent dying and trying to cope with a toddler, newborn and infected C-section in midst of raw grief. Feeling like I had the rug pulled under me when he told me over the phone he wouldn't return unless I agree to buy a house near where his parents are.and he's looking to rent. No prior discussion...just went to work and didn't come home that day.

How did I get over all that? The lying, constant constant lying. I can't even trust my own memories about our honeymoon any more bcos he threw me out the day after we returned due to one argument we had during the first week of the honeymoon. Did he then fake the rest of the time there and simply wait to return so he could punish me? The constant shame of having to return home and the begging him to allow me back in so I didn't have to return at my parents door. The emotional blackmail involved with that.

Part of me feels so guilty for putting my needs before everyone else and part of me wonders why I was so stupid to stay this long. Then I wonder again if, whether with more oversight over family finances and control, I could manage. Then it's down to question of trust...can I trust him? No. I know the answer but my mind is playing tricks and won't settle strongly. I definitely need a good shake.

He's said that there's something about me that makes him treat me this way. A comment he later retracted as said it was in anger but that's now stuck in my head.

I can see how I come across quite weak when people read this but this is more the reason I have felt too ashamed to share with family. This so not who I am...not outwardly. I'm extroverted, have many friends, confident and a natural problem solver so wtf happened?

Also the offer is there that we could be fwb if nothing else. I asked very politely what my part of the benefit would be and there wasn't an answer. Just a laugh and a comment that I must have needs too.

I just need to give myself a big fat push to get rid of the feeling of duty and sense of responsibility towards him. It's like having some crazy version of Stockholm syndrome. I rescued him once when he seemed so lonely with a few friends and lack of family relationship. Here we are, 20 years later and in the same place where he is lonely and isolated and I'm feeling the same way.

Also cost of living is a very real concern to me right now and has completely knocked my initial confidence that I can do this. I'm genuinely scared that everything will be lost.

I've taken over the bills and soon will be contributing towards the mortgage too. Really worried whether I can cope or whether actually my children will be much worse off now things will soon change again. I'm not eligible for any benefits from the looking at the online benefit calculators.

The way you have organised and planned your return to work in preparation for leaving him, you are clearly a very resourceful and intelligent woman and a dedicated parent.

He is none of those things and never will be. You would never be able to trust him to put family welfare above his own selfish wants.

These "investments" - did you see actual evidence of these? The progession sounds more like gambling addiction. Although I suppose stocks and shares is ultimately high stakes gambling, isn't it.

How could you ever trust him? He'll say anything but it doesn't mean once his feet were under the table he wouldn't start behaving badly again.

Better you manage alone than link your fates to a known liar, speculator (gambler really), who financially and emotionally abused you. Threw you out when you were pregnant?!

You can and are sailing your own ship now, don't let him back to ruin everything you've achieved without him.

Thank you. I have returned to work after over 10 years away and have made good progress so far. I love my work and enjoy working with my team. In about another year or 18months I would have closed the pay gap and financially, would be much better off. It's just seeing through the time until then. I don't think I've ever been so scared of my own capability. Leaving him initially was easier than this where we are now about to move forward to finalise the divorce and details involved.with the worry that bills are going to sky rocket.

I have seen some of his investments but they just don't add up to the 60k. He said he's lost the rest. The investments are in high risk oil shares mostly. It is gambling especially when it involves using credit card. I did say to him 5 years ago that he needs to stop as the family unit was now at risk. During lockdown I saw that he had taken payment holiday with mortgage for no good reason and used the funds to buy more shares. So it was at that point where it was directly involving the roof over my children heads, that I decided to take immediate action and asked him to move out temporarily to give me some time. I knew it would be permanent but didn't feel he'd move if I was honest about this.

To my mind he's put his ego before the welfare of our children. Their very basic quality of life was affected. Now my home is fit for my child who has allergies and would cough several hours into the night (laminate flooring installed, air purifier and blinds instead of carpet and curtains) and ordered and tidy so better for my autistic child can operate with less stress. I can pay for some extra curricular activities which improves the life of my autistic child as there's very few things she will take part in. I was able to fund private assessments which have fed into the EHCP process which we have been successful in getting. Life has improved on a lot of levels for them. They see their dad whenever they want and I make sure I make no disparaging comments about him. I think largely, they have not been negatively impacted by the split and ironically, spend more time with him then they've ever done before. I encourage bonding as much as possible and try and keep our marriage issues away from them as it's not their problem.

Most importantly, I am the captain of my ship. I feel panicky at the thought of letting go of that control to someone who I can't trust. Despite my family saying his wrongs can be forgiven and the problem can be managed. I see my friend is supporting her alcoholic husband get over his addiction so in theory, I should also be able to support mine to get over his gambling addiction before he gambles himself to ruin. Another thing which would impact my kids. My family think having him back would be a way to manage and control this so this doesn't happen. I don't think I can do this without creating a toxic environment, I'd want complete oversight and he would be resentful. I can see how that would then result in more lying on his part as he hides and ducks and dives and so the cycle will continue. There isn't an easy win here.

I used to read those easy read type books - you know the ones you take on holiday - where the middle aged woman was put upon and the husband treated her badly. I used to wonder what sort of woman would end up letting that happen to her. Turns out that it's actually quite easy to become a cliche if you're not careful.

One of the reasons I also split, if I'm honest with myself, is my own ego too. I couldn't forgive myself for leaving myself so vulnerable that, when I looked at what my options were 5 years ago, I discovered there wasn't any safety net. I found that I had completely left myself exposed. No job, no pension, can't drive, no knowledge of family finances, 3 kids one with additional needs and one with constant health problems. I just couldn't forgive myself that I'd allowed that to happen. So in order to forgive myself, I started to make small changes. So I could live with myself again.

I read a thread here recently and a poster said that when in an abusive marriage, it makes you change as a person. This really hit home. What I really want is to be back to who I was before he came into my life. Back when anything was possible and I didn't double think my abilities.

He sounds a bit on the spectrum himself. He won't change so I'd stick with plan A

Honestly OP the more you write the more sure I am that you need to press on without him. You might have challenges ahead (cost of living, mortgage etc) but you will be far more able to face and overcome them without the mental drain of having to micromanage and police him on top.

And that's before we even consider the emotional impact and damage to your self esteem being with someone you cannot trust and who has treated you so awfully in the past would cause, and the potential for him to destroy what you've built for yourself and DC since you've been separated.

Please don't do it to yourself, you can cope, with whatever life throws at you and he will only ever weigh you down.

Thank you all. It's like you all know him but of course you don't. So if strangers can make this assessment based on just what I'm putting here, which isn't even everything, then I feel a bit more reassured that having him back will cause damage.

Just as a side, he is the most nicest, calm and well spoken person outwardly and everyone thinks very highly of him. Despite what my family know he's done, they say they still feel bonded to him and, like me, feel really sorry for him. My mum found the split traumatic and still can't understand that I would choose to leave. Perhaps this is why I stayed so long and the line of what was acceptable was rubbed out over the years. I was taught to accept bad behaviour and the only reason to leave was if the husband went with another woman i.e. it's him who choses someone else instead of you. If he doesn't and only behaves wrongly, that's all things which can be managed on the down low. Only looking back I can see that social conditioning and cultural norms had a huge bearing on what I accepted over the years.

But even though I can't guarantee that I'll be able to cope if it all goes wrong, I've realised that I can't guarantee that I'll be able to cope in the marriage a second time either. So then now it would come down to my mental health. I'm going to stick to plan A as the steadiest plan so thank you for giving me a head wobble.

Just need to get rid of the guilt.