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Relationships

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Original poster

Questioning commitment

21 replies

merrymarch · 17/08/2022 07:47

I've been in a long term relationship with a guy. We don't live together and have our own rented accommodation an hour's drive away from each other.

I've been struck down with covid for a week and a half. Really very ill. Completely floored me. On day 7 I asked him if he could come over to look after me after work (I needed sheets changing/food from the shop, etc). I physically wasn't up to doing these things. He refused saying he didn't want to catch covid as I was still testing positive at that time.

Whilst I can understand to some extent his reticence, I am also questioning his commitment. I felt completely abandoned and very much alone. Surely, after 5 years' relationship, you'd want to help/comfort your ill partner? We're obviously not married but 'in sickness and health' and all that...? I would have really appreciated a bit of tlc .. someone to run a bath, make a little food, a cup of tea. His reaction has made me question his commitment and care to me.

Was I expecting too much from a partner in these circumstances?

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/08/2022 07:50

No, I don't think you're expecting too much. If he was concerned about covid, then you have kept to separate rooms, windows open, etc. He could have just dropped shopping round (or one of you could have arranged for an online delivery).

whentheraincame · 17/08/2022 08:53

If you're questioning whether he's committed, he's not.

Men who are committed make it well known because otherwise they could lose you.

Kenny69 · 17/08/2022 08:56

I can see both sides really, yes it’s nice to feel like someone is there for you, but on the other hand I think it’s sensible of him not to enter the house while you are tested positive , as a PP said he could have dropped some shopping at the door at least

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2022 08:57

He's not committed to your long distance relationship. This is also how the next five years with him could pan out so I would consider whether this relationship is one you want to remain in.

Original poster

merrymarch · 17/08/2022 09:17

It wasn't even about dropping off food as I've not had much of an appetite. More of just being there in case I would have wanted something. He works from home majority of the time and could have done so here with no problem.

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 17/08/2022 09:20

He is not in it for the long haul

stnoa · 17/08/2022 10:15

I think it depends....the covid thing would only make sense to me if he's been extra careful and actively avoiding catching it in other places over the last 2 years

If that's the case and this is the only issue in isolation that's leading you to question the commitment I maybe wouldn't be too worried. However It sounds like a wider issue and this has just highlighted it.

Are you happy living an hour apart in rented accommodation after 5 years or would you like more

choolaboola · 17/08/2022 10:28

my gosh, if it was my husband, parents etc. I was prepared happily to catch the virus so we could be together and care for each other. Granted, I don't have a pre-existing condition though. That's what love is. I'm sorry OP, there's not much commitment there.

OldFan · 17/08/2022 10:39

I don't know, I can understand him not wanting to catch it as it's not the best thing for everyone in the country, we should all be still trying to avoid catching it (within reason) so we don't spread it.

But he could've called round and left you some food on the step, or just to say hi while staying outside.

Dirtylittleroses · 17/08/2022 10:41

I disagree with the responses, I’d not have come over to a sick Covid positive person and made them dinner and changed their sheets either, no matter how committed I was. I’m with him.

SushiSuave · 17/08/2022 10:53

I also don't think he was unreasonable to not want to come to your house when you're testing positive. Especially not just to "just be there in case" you need something. You feel unwell but you are also an adult and whilst contagious should just be getting on with it in my opinion. Not nice for you but also not his fault or responsibility. If you were a child then it would be a different matter.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 17/08/2022 11:01

Unless he is shielding because he has a serious health condition, then I think he should have helped you. Both wearing masks and with as little contact as possible. My husband (who does have health issues) did that for me. He did catch covid but got over it very quickly.
You must be desperate for clean sheets, especially in this sweaty weather. I hope you’re better soon. And I really would question this relationship.

Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 17/08/2022 11:07

No I don’t think he should come and stay with you to look after you. Surely no one wants to actually catch covid if they can avoid it. It could have knock on effect for his work or other people in his life eg children/parents.

I know on here everyone gives the impression they are carrying on as normal but I know a few people like op herself who have been very ill.

He could have dropped off some shopping for you or chatted on the doorstep if you were up to it.

DillonPanthersTexas · 17/08/2022 11:13

When I got Covid last year I felt like shit for a week and very energy minus/breathless for about six weeks afterwards, for a sizable minority it is not just 'catching a cold', it really reduced your quality of life. I would not wish that upon anyone. I am also self employed so lost a weeks pay before I dragged myself back to work (after testing negative) but still felt rubbish.

Personally, even if a friend offered to come round to help, I would appreciate the gesture but I would refuse as I would be terrified of passing the virus on. I had simple to cook food delivered and generally got on with it. Yes it is a bit shit how you feel but you come across as being very needy.

Coachwork · 17/08/2022 11:21

I wouldn't have come and risk catching it. I'd drop supplies off but committed or not is irrelevant if he was concerned about COVID. It would be different if you had a broken leg.

badgerstink · 17/08/2022 11:24

Are you without support from elsewhere? If you are housebound with no food etc then yes he should've come to help

If you were managing adequately with food in or delivery available then I don't think he needed to come over

Whilst company might be nice for you I understand his reticence

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 17/08/2022 11:45

Dirtylittleroses · 17/08/2022 10:41

I disagree with the responses, I’d not have come over to a sick Covid positive person and made them dinner and changed their sheets either, no matter how committed I was. I’m with him.

Me either. I loved my XP 100% but when he had covid I left him to it I’m afraid. Granted that was back when isolation was a lot longer and we weren’t so sure about the severity of it, but I honestly wouldn’t want someone risking catching ANY illness from me if it could be avoided. Surely this is one bonus of having separate homes?

My ex and I didn’t live together although we were together for 9 years. (I suppose the fact that we no longer are shows a lack of commitment but honestly the illness thing is a red herring.).

It’s how he acts the rest of the time that would be more important to me. Does he contact you and ask after you? Would he send you something in the post etc? I’d probably order something nice from Amazon - in fact I think I sent XP a box of sweets by post when he was ill as he kept saying he fancied chocolate and nobody would go to the shop for him (his teen DCs live with him). If he’s generally a good sort I wouldn’t take this one blip to heart. We’ve had the seriousness of covid drummed into us over the last few years and it’s hard to let that go for some people.

averythinline · 17/08/2022 12:03

I wouldn't be coming into a house where theres covid either...so I'm not sure thats the lack of commitment indicators...
Living separately after 5yrs together if you're not happy about that would be more of an indication to me ....but if you're happy with it not a bother...

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/08/2022 12:37

Some of these replies are rather disappointing.

I live alone. If I were really ill, I know I'd appreciate it if someone popped in to help out (from a safe distance if I were contagious) so I come at it from that perspective. I'd have to be very ill to ask or accept an offer of help. And I definitely would if I were asked because I know what it's like.

Joey69 · 17/08/2022 12:54

Coachwork · 17/08/2022 11:21

I wouldn't have come and risk catching it. I'd drop supplies off but committed or not is irrelevant if he was concerned about COVID. It would be different if you had a broken leg.

Yep this ^^, if you had Covid, I wouldn’t come round either, sorry, I’m with him.

katishot · 17/08/2022 13:40

Is this the only example of his lack of commitment?
I personally would not want to go into a house and stay with someone who had covid, even if they said they would open windows or whatever. Who's to say that he wouldn't catch it from you and end up really quite ill with it?

Perhaps he could have got shopping in for you, but was there not the option of getting it delivered or having someone who lives nearer buy it and drop it off at the door.
And sheets can be changed when you are feeling up to it...

But perhaps there is a backstory here and this is the last straw.

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