Finding father impossible to deal with

[FrozenGhost]

Just that really. I live in the same city as my parents and see them once a fortnight but I'm finding my relationship with my dad impossible at the moment. Every thing I say, invites a put down or criticism from him.

I discuss something that happened at work - he immediately jumps in that I'm wrong and I'm stupid, before even hearing the story. (He doesn't work in my industry and knows nothing about it).

He is always saying that I'm so so lucky to have a husband. I mean, yes, it's nice to be in a good relationship. But I'm a mid 30s person with a house, job, standard appearance etc. Its really not that surprising I'm in a relationship, is it?

Of course my appearance comes in for criticism, I'm too fat. Now I'm not slim but my bmi is 25, that's within the healthy range and I'm happy with it.

I went to the gym with him a few weeks ago at his invitation, I went because I thought it might give us an experience together. I finish his work out, which wasn't hard at all for me because I'm half his age and I work out daily at a different gym, so I'm quite fit. He immediately says "wow look at you, you're exhausted, you're beat" in a nasty tone.

Other examples just from dinner last night. We were discussing a famous sports woman, I mentioned she has had six children since her sporting career ended. "Don't you have six children!" he sneers in a nasty tone. He critisized me for washing my hands enough at work (not true, and how would he know anyway). He tells me a holiday I'm planning is a ridiculous idea. Each of these examples seems small but it's literally every sentence I say!

I've brought it up to him and he says I'm imagining it and too sensitive. What can I do here?

Back away op. You are not obligated to be his verbal punch bag. Df or not.

You're not a little girl anymore, op. Tell him exactly how horrible he is and then stop allowing him into your life. He's a toxic arsehole and you don't need him or his bullshit in your life. He either treats you with respect or he doesn't get to be in your life.

I know, you are right. It's a bit stupid but there isn't really a come back to "you are imagining it" so I normally just shake my head and change the subject. But yes, you are right, I'll simply have to leave the next time he does it and every time there after.

God now I feel a bit stupid for making this thread! The answer is obvious. I suppose I was also looking for why. What's the point of someone acting that way?

Stop putting yourself in the position where you have to leave. Don't go to begin with. You are not responsible for managing is shit behaviour.

Yes, you are right. I suppose I mainly go to see my mum, but I could meet her elsewhere or talk to her on the phone.

You trying to answer "why" is only making excuses for his horrible behaviour.

It doesn't matter why. Any "diagnosis" still ends with the same result, and there is no excuse for abusing other people. All that matters is he is abusing you and making you feel awful.

I hope you are honest with your mother about the way he treats you, and why you will no longer spend time with him.

As others have said, back away from him. Why did he invite you to the gym to then berate you? That's just a bit messed up really.

Does your DM notice it?

True, it makes no difference. It is almost funny the way he can make any subject in to saying something rude to me (see above, a celebs life). Almost, but not quite.

My sister thinks I should just ignore it for the sake of my mum and not causing trouble. Easy for her to say though, as he only occasionally talks rudely to her and I always defend her. She doesn't defend me although I've asked her to do so. Our third sister is disabled so I guess making fun of her is a bit far even for him.

Exactly! That's why I went, because I thought he's realised he finds it difficult to sit down and chat, so he's thought of an activity we can do together.

Maybe he thought that was banter but on top of everything else, I didn't find it funny.

Mum doesn't notice or if she does she doesn't say anything. Occasionally she may say mildly "oh Dave* stop".

You’re not stupid at all. That’s exactly the effect this type of person has - they make you doubt yourself and eventually reality itself.

Take a massive step back. Don’t expect anything from him in terms of a reasonable father-daughter relationship. It’s a horrible wake up call when you realise how toxic they are.

I think your DM does notice more than you think but is used to keeping quiet. Does he put her down too?

No, he's very rarely if ever put her down that I have seen. Only a few times, in the normal disagreements you'd expect in a relationship I guess. They don't have an argumentative relationship at all.

People who neg other people like that are usually very insecure themselves;it sounds as though he has regrets about not doing x,y&z in his younger years and is jealous of you and the opportunities you have.

You need to limit your contact with him for the sake of your own mental health;why not arrange to meet your mum for coffee etc away from their home.

That's actually right, but I never really thought of it being related to to this. He does have regrets and thinks he's lived a bit of a boring life. Which he hasn't really, he's lived a completely normal life. He's had a career, travel, friends, etc.

And it's nothing to do with me if he perceived he missed out, he wasn't a young parent. Married and had children in his mid 30s.

He's ageing, he probably feels insecure because you're successful, happily married and may soon stop needing him to be a significant part of your life (if you haven't already). The male ego is delicate and relies on self perception as their child's hero (particularly daughters)He's trying to reassure himself about his status by putting you down

I don't need him now. I'd never ask him for help with anything. I have two dc but my parents don't babysit and I'd never ask (I'm fine with this). But my sister doesn't need him either and she isn't treated the same. It's like he has some respect for her and my mum, but he has absolutely none for me. Even though I am independent and live a good normal life, as worthy as anyone of respect.

My sister thinks he does it because he has a (possibly subconscious) hate for fat women. I've been chubby my whole life and she has been slim. There is definitely something to this.

I just think the whole thing is so sad. Because I assume he did love me when I was born. I've got a lovely photo of him carrying me in a carrier as baby, and he is carefully shading my face with a little umbrella. Did he guess that 35 years later he'd be yelling at an adult over them booking a holiday? Are we all destined to end up like this?