Accepting my DH for who he is

[Doubledenimrocks]

My DH is a thoroughly lovely and decent man. He is a hands on father to our children and is generally kind, loyal and loving. We have always been opposites in many ways. He is very laid back and I can be some what hyperactive. I know that I can be exhausting and that he sometimes finds my energy hard too. We have been together for 26 years and like all couples we go through phases. However, I think as I am starting with peri-menopause I find that I am losing my patience with him.

DH is not a dynamic person and as someone who is, I have always taken control and he has let me. I organise virtually everything in our lives. We are currently on holiday (one that I sourced and booked) and for once I'd like him to get up in the morning and take control of the day. Instead it is always left to me and if I don't do it then basic things don't get thought about. We are a family of 6 so we need to be quite organised when it comes to food/suncream etc as it is extortionate and stressful to not be.

Today I feel like screaming in frustration. DH is quite antisocial (we both are). He doesn't like dealing with people so if I ask him to go down to reception and book a taxi or go and go and ask for a table in a restaurant he will just sort of dither about. He will do it eventually but never quite just gets on with it and takes charge. We missed our transport for an excursion today but he sees no urgency in sorting out any alternative just gets annoyed with me for being stressy about it until ultimately I just sort it out myself.

I know this is part of him and I need to accept that he is not that person. I need to understand how I can change my thinking about it. I don't want to think negatively about him but his lack of capacity to "do" things is making me lose respect which is never a good thing.

Anyone else found themselves in this situation? How do I switch off that frustration?

Can you sit him down with a written list of all you do, and whatever he does do, to help him see the disparity. Then ask him which tasks he will take on( not try, but actually do) to make things more equal. I’m sure he will agree there needs to be a fair division.

Actually you do not have to accept this from him at all so why have you done so till now at least?. You've had to pick up any and all the slack and you do not get any form of support from him because he cannot be relied upon. You will not also be able to change your thinking about this and even if you could, why would you at all want to?.

What is HE doing to change things to make life somewhat easier for you as his wife?.

He may be antisocial also but that is no excuse either for his dithering or otherwise wanting you to do it instead. His behaviour here could be seen as some sort of passive aggressive "can't be asked to do it" attitude. Has he always been this way or has this behaviour worsened since children?.

Does he work outside the home?. How do you think he does there?. His actions and or lack of here show a lack of respect for you and his children. He has a bloody nerve to get annoyed with you as well when you get stressed from having to sort out the mess he has caused.

Ime lists are your friend here...
Dh is just about manageable if he has lists.
Without them he would no doubt be under our decking.

Thank you for your comments. He does bring a lot to our relationship, he is just not dynamic. In real life (not holiday) we do have lists and a shared calender. I went back to work 3 years ago after being a SAHM and he really had to step up and basically come up with a system to help him manage as I said I wouldn't put up with having 5 children not four. Things are not perfect but he is definitely better on a day to day basis and he does try.
I don't feel like it's fair to necessarily judge him by my standards. I am busy person, I like doing things and I find it hard to sit still. He is not like that. If I wasn't here he would cope perfectly well without me. Things might be more stressful for him and probably not as nice but he'd bumble along okay which is why I think it's probably as much a problem with me as it is with him. I'm just not as patient at the moment!

dont underestimate how much peri menopause and menopause completely mess up your brain, your perception of things your emotions everything. I was a fecking nightmare for 3 years. My husband understood this and also how hard I was trying not to be. but it was brutal, absolutely brutal. everyone talks about the hot flushes and they are not even 10% of it imo. first off, gen up on the subject yourself and then talk to him about it. it was the hardest thing I have had to negotiate in terms of emotions, feelings and strength of irrationality I have ever had to deal with.