How to rebuild life after DA - tips needed

[Londono]

After a ten year relationship, me and abusive ex are, thankfully, newly divorced but the post-separation abuse has continued and we are in the lengthy family court system about contact for the children.

Cafcass has been pretty useless so far. I have a therapist and see her weekly and without her I wouldn't have had the strength to leave, I have lovely friends but I feel so empty inside. And I am so listless at work which requires attention and a decent output. How do I compartmentalise this stuff so I can focus? Has anyone got any tips or wants to share how thy recovered?

Making my home safe - cameras etc
supportive gp who I saw weekly
counselling
my dog
grey rock ex and different phone for him
antidepressant
finding myself and doing what I wanted

recognising why I put up with abuse, I have wealthy narc abusers as parents constantly putting me down
evaluating friendship
comedy eg cabin pressure
audio story on Alexa at night gives me great sleep
gardening is one of the best therapies
not responding in the heat of the moment
he pisses me off and he never sees it - so rather then passing me off every day it’s once in a blue moon etc

I worked backwards: How would my life look, ideally? What would I be doing, in order to build respect in myself as a person? Where would I live? How would I use my time to my own benefit?

Then work out steps, and take little ones each day. That's what builds you back up. Not compartmentalising. Sometimes listlessness happens to people. Look at what you need, rather than putting you aside so that you can provide what work needs. Can you put work aside? Bit of time off? Holiday? Duvet days off sick where you just nurture yourself? Respect yourself. It's what will give you a happy life, protect you from any further ongoing abuse or mistreatment, and improve your performance in areas you want to succeed in.

The first thing you need to respect is that you feel crap right now. Compartmentalising feeling crap is what keeps us in abusive relationships.

I probably do need some time off work but I find that a very difficult thing to do, not because work won't be supportive but because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm not coping. I'm also worried that if I stop I won't get going again.

Can you talk through with your therapist what would be sensible about taking time off work? You could just take a small amount, eg have a couple of days off, soon- and make them about self care. Maybe one duvet day with films and another being more proactive, eg go swimming, get a haircut, sit in a cafe.

I do feel like I'm doing everything 'right' - I garden, see friends, I'm on anti-depressants but still I just feel empty inside and listless is the only way to describe the feeling I have.

OK, so there's your issue. You think there's a 'right'. You're trying to adhere to a set of rules. There aren't any. There is no judge and arbiter of whether you are doing things 'right' or not except your feelings. And your feelings are telling you that despite your sticking to 'the rules' and getting things 'right', this isn't in fact the right course of action.

You don't have to admit to yourself that you're 'not coping'. What you're actually doing is coping, and, like a responsible, capable person, you are looking for ways to make sure that you continue coping.

So, what would you need to do to make yourself feel better? Lie flat on your face in bed for a fortnight? Scream? Eat 3 tons of Minstrels? What do you need? Work out what it is. Work out how to get it, or as near as possible. Forget 'should'. That's the basis of self respect, and the basis of your recovery.

One thing, for example, might be if you want to feel less listless, change your anti depressants or dosage.

How to continue coping is a good way to look at it. I would like to sleep for a month and let someone else deal with everything that needs to be handled during that time, but of course that isn't how life works. I would also like to stop ruminating on what happened and why and when but that is also hard when there's family court going on.

I would like to sleep for a month and let someone else deal with everything that needs to be handled during that time

You're right, life doesn't work this way, and we don't live in an ideal world. But what can you do to get a bit closer to this? What jobs can you ask/pay someone else to do for you? How can you increase the time you get to rest? How can you make your rest more restful?

I would also like to stop ruminating on what happened and why and when but that is also hard when there's family court going on

Whether you ruminate or not isn't to do with what's going on. It's to do with whether you ruminate or not. Have a think about what distracts you. When were you last not carried away with ruminations? What were you doing? Can you do that more?

There are things you can change. Both your statements were 'I want this, but...' Try to change them to 'I want this, so...' and put intentions and possibilities in, rather than heading yourself off at the suggestion of a suggestion. You won't get life perfect, but you don't need to; you need it to feel like it's getting nearer to perfect than it is right now.

Can't believe Minstrels aren't on your 'immediate wants' list, but that's just me

All sound advice, thank you. I think the sugar addiction is something that needs to be dialled down actually so no Minstrels for me!