Letting go of a friendship

[Cuckoooooo]

I keep running things through my mind for months now so I'm after some friendly advice from some wise people.

I've been close friends with a girl since I was 3, we grew up on the same street, went to school and college together, even worked together for a short time. For a long long time we were best friends but over recent years we've drifted apart.

So much has happened over the years, we've never fallen out but there's been lots of times when she has let me down or hurt me.

She has recently split up with her husband who she has been with for a very long time. I'm not going to get in to specifics to protect her identity. But let's just say that I really don't agree with how she is behaving or has behaved over the years.

It turns out that she's been unfaithful for most of their marriage, there's been multiple other men. I've found this out from a mutual friend.

But now everything makes sense, I feel used because when I look back I'm sure there's been times when she's used me as an excuse to go and see a guy.
I feel lied to because well I'm her best friend (or one of her best friends)and she was keeping this from me. She obviously kept it from me because she feared I'd tell her husband or she knew I'd disapprove.
I feel disappointed in her for breaking their beautiful family, there are children involved.

I've not told her that I know all this stuff because she'll work out where it's come from.

I know that what I've been told is true, I knew she'd often snog blokes on nights out but I didn't know if it ever went further, I didn't ever ask the question because I didn't want to know the answer.

Ultimately I feel like we're just two very different people with totally different morals. We're friends from childhood but if I met her now I would think she isn't my kind of person at all.
But I love her like a sister and can't imagine my life without her in it. I always used to turn to her for advice but how can I take advice from someone who has no morals? She only cares about herself. I just want my old friend back, not this fake version she's created.

I feel like our friendship is probably over because I've realised she's not the person I thought she was and she's not the kind of person I want to invest my time or energy in. But I feel so sad about letting go 🥹

Any advice on how to deal with this? Do I speak to her about what I know or just try and forget it and move on?

Ive had this
Just left it
Friendship was done

I've left toxic friendships before .

OP you can either slip away from the friendship if she doesn't add value to your life .

Reduce contact .

Address the parts of it where you have felt let down . She may or may not agree.

Or carry on as normal .

Hi op I reduced contact she the same. No big fallout. Just felt past few years chasing her. I do feel we outgrew the friendship.

It happens. I have a long time friend where it just stopped being the close friendship of previous years. We haven't fallen out, just don't talk but still exchange xmas cards.

Some people are destined to come in to your life to stay, others are not life.

You don't have to make a decision. Just see her if you feel like seeing her. If you keep not wanting to see her, it'll fizzle out.

The only reason it's bothering you is because you're stewing about it. Just resolve to do what you want.

If she's been doing this for years, doubt she's going to change because you don't approve of the way she lives her life. Like posters above, either end the friendship or take from the friendship as much as you feel like and leave the rest. People really do grow apart through the years.

But I love her like a sister and can't imagine my life without her in it

Does she often initiate contact, or do you lead the way?

Does she often initiate contact, or do you lead the way?

Both. I will usually check in on her and make general chit chat, but she'll often be in touch to arrange seeing me or invite me to things.

She does know that I'm not ok with her because she's asked to meet up a couple of times in recent weeks and I've ignored her messages. She stood me up the last time we arranged to meet up (this kind of thing is common), but it isn't just that that I'm annoyed about, that was just the straw that broke the camels back. But I don't want a fight with her, she's got enough sh*t going on without me adding to it. Plus it would never get me anywhere anyway, she's always in the right, she never accepts any fault for anything.

The friendship is pretty toxic, she's a narcissist and I don't use that word lightly, she actually is.
She can be the nicest, funniest, fun person and makes you feel like you're so lucky to have her as a friend, she loves you, you mean the world to her blah blah...but then treats everyone like dirt, uses people, let's people down, everything is always on her terms etc...but everyone forgives her because "well that's just what she's like".

I have gone through this and just had to walk away. It hurt but I got over it as I don’t need that sort of person in my life and neither do you.

Sounds right that you’re giving yourself time to process this. I’d find it difficult to trust this person or their friendship again. It seems odd just to start ignoring her, especially when you love her like a sister etc, and I wonder whether you could actually speak to her? - then again, you say the friendship is toxic so perhaps it does need phasing out.

It seems odd just to start ignoring her, especially when you love her like a sister etc, and I wonder whether you could actually speak to her?

I've ignored her because I don't know how to respond, I don't want her to think that everything is ok, I don't want to be fake, but I also don't want any conflict or to cause her any more upset with everything else she's going through. Regardless of whether her divorce is due to her behaviour or not, it's still an awful thing for anyone to go through. I wish I could be there for her but now that I know the truth how can I support her?

Just to add - I'm autistic so I find difficult conversations even more difficult and struggle to navigate through these situations. Hence why when things have got tricky it's easiest to just bury my head in the sand rather than just picking up the phone and dealing with it.

I think I'd just pull back. When she asks if you want to meet, up, 'I'm not free, sorry...' and don't get into any discussions.

It sounds like you’ve made a decision from the way you’ve presented this. Your values speak out and it’s admirable how you clearly care about your friends feelings so don’t want to hurt her, but that you can still identify that her actions are harmful and not something that aligns with your values. Narcissists never change (the problem lies with everyone else, right?) so gently step back to where you feel a comfortable line sits between you. I’m sorry for you losing your friend but it sounds like you’ve actually just become more aware of her true colours. She’s always been this way and you know she’s not going to change if she’s as narcissistic as you say.