Relationship breakdown

[Lifelessonssuck]

So I’m new to mums.net, as in posting a thread!
I guess I’m looking for someone out there that shares my situation to a degree. Im in a difficult place and I don’t want to talk to anyone I know right now.

I’ve been with my partner for 16 years, we have two children one 4 and the other 18m.

Our relationship has been deteriorating for some
time, my oh works hard and a lot of hours, I also work 3-4 days a week. He is a terrible communicator (always has been), we don’t really talk at all particularly about ‘feelings’, I don’t think his parents ever helped him to express how he felt as a child and therefore he just doesn’t as an adult and it shows in his parenting although he adores the girls and does try and he is affectionate.
Anger is an emotion he expresses, often.

He seems perpetually pissed off and I’m always feeling like I walk on eggshells.

I try my hardest to not pick up on his stress and let him deal with it but it ends up building up inside me and then I have these blow outs we argue! These arguments are never productive, he has an answer for everything and never ever takes any responsibility.

Im reaching the point where I feel like I cannot be in this relationship anymore, I have considered leaving him many many times but always stayed for the children, my parents separated when I was young so it’s the last thing I want for my kids but I am starting to realise that I cannot keep living with this man, it is draining the life from me.

We have plans for an extension on our house and my daughter starts school where we live in a couple of weeks….I just feel so trapped!!

You do not appear to be married to this man given that you've used other half and partner. It looks like you've all too readily handed over a lot of power and control to him and he knows that too.

Staying for the sake of the children here is a terrible idea here and a decision they will not ultimately thank you for making. Would you really be staying for their sake or more likely your own because its somehow "easier"?. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they already learning from you both here about relationships?. Would you want them as adults to be in such a relationship with an emotionally incontinent, angry and refuser of taking responsibility for their actions man; no you would not and its not good enough for you as their mother either. Do you also think they adore this man, no and you cannot say that for them. They will in time learn to fear him and otherwise tiptoe around him and his anger just like you do now. Living like this under the same roof is not tenable in the long run. He may also be affectionate towards them but may well give you no affection at all which will send them mixed messages.

BTW did you yourself grow up seeing similar behaviour from your own parents?.

Do not continue to raise your children within such a toxic, not just to say abusive, environment. If parents become adversarial towards each other in the process of separation it is that adversary that does damage, it's not the process of separation in itself.

Feel the fear re leaving and do it anyway. Stop kicking the can down the road; you're unhappy and your kids will pick up on this and perhaps worse still blame themselves for their parents unhappiness. Put the extension plans on permanent hold and start planning your exit from this relationship with due care and attention. Seek legal advice too. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Yes my mother was an emotional rollercoaster and I her support cushion, she subsequently ended up being in a secretively abusive relationship for nearly 13 years only finding the strength to leave him when I left home!!
I have had counselling which was a huge realisation that my partner was just an extension of my mother, that inability to be emotionally healthy and normal!
You're absolutely right about my children and I would be distraught if they ended up feeling like this. Im always convincing myself that the good times outweigh the bad. He himself went to counselling early this year on an ultimatum from me…..Needless to say he didn’t believe he needed it, didn’t talk about it and the councillor told him after about 4 sessions he didn’t need to see him anymore!
That left me feeling totally confused!
He just doesn’t believe that he has anger issues no matter what I do or say!
He is such a stressful person. I wish I’d listened to myself long ago and ended it.
I have looked at how I’d go about leaving before, we have a dead of trust with our house so we sell and we split the equity between us.